Saturday, December 14, 2013
4:40pm
I am my mother's daughter.
Why do we do things to other people that we can't stand having done to us? And how do we make it stop? This has constantly been on my mind this year. I hate it when people are mushy with me. I'm not a very affectionate person. I've never been that way. It wasn't until I started spending time at City of Hope with Hannah and Reggie that I could finally tell my friends I loved them without feeling weird. But certain things that people do with their emotions really weird me out. I can't stand getting hugs from my mom when she's being needy. And my gosh, if she tries to kiss me I run in the other direction. Even her telling me she loves me bothers me. She ALWAYS has something to say. It's always, "one more thing" or "this is the last thing I'm going to say" after she's already been annoying me for a long time. I just want to escape.
What the heck is the matter with me? I know she means well. She just wants to be assured of how people feel about her. I get it. I do that too. But it's the one thing I absolutely hate about myself. When I was in my last relationship, he hardly ever told me how he felt about me or how much he loved me. During the last six months he hardly ever even said "I love you" anymore. There's something inside of me that cares for people too damn much, and that is what I got from her. I care TOO MUCH. It gets me into situations where I always get hurt. And it gets her into situations with me where I always hurt her. It's a vicious circle.
I feel like we are supposed to care about people this much because that's what we are called to do. What I don't understand is why it hurts then. It's so different with family. No matter what happens they are always going to be there. With everybody else, there are no guarantees. I hate when people are mad at me. HATE it. It's so hard to just let them be mad. I want to fix it.
I don't know what to do anymore. You're always going to get mad. You're always going to pick fights. Dammit, none of that stuff is important. I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. The only thing I fight for is us...because nothing else matters anymore. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. You should know that by now.
I am my mother's daughter.
Why do we do things to other people that we can't stand having done to us? And how do we make it stop? This has constantly been on my mind this year. I hate it when people are mushy with me. I'm not a very affectionate person. I've never been that way. It wasn't until I started spending time at City of Hope with Hannah and Reggie that I could finally tell my friends I loved them without feeling weird. But certain things that people do with their emotions really weird me out. I can't stand getting hugs from my mom when she's being needy. And my gosh, if she tries to kiss me I run in the other direction. Even her telling me she loves me bothers me. She ALWAYS has something to say. It's always, "one more thing" or "this is the last thing I'm going to say" after she's already been annoying me for a long time. I just want to escape.
What the heck is the matter with me? I know she means well. She just wants to be assured of how people feel about her. I get it. I do that too. But it's the one thing I absolutely hate about myself. When I was in my last relationship, he hardly ever told me how he felt about me or how much he loved me. During the last six months he hardly ever even said "I love you" anymore. There's something inside of me that cares for people too damn much, and that is what I got from her. I care TOO MUCH. It gets me into situations where I always get hurt. And it gets her into situations with me where I always hurt her. It's a vicious circle.
I feel like we are supposed to care about people this much because that's what we are called to do. What I don't understand is why it hurts then. It's so different with family. No matter what happens they are always going to be there. With everybody else, there are no guarantees. I hate when people are mad at me. HATE it. It's so hard to just let them be mad. I want to fix it.
I don't know what to do anymore. You're always going to get mad. You're always going to pick fights. Dammit, none of that stuff is important. I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. The only thing I fight for is us...because nothing else matters anymore. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. You should know that by now.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
8:49am
I started working at Gap Kids/Baby Gap on Friday. Starting to get the hang of things. I'm pretty nervous for Black Friday though. It's going to be craaaaazy. Luckily I don't have to work Thanksgiving night anymore. Kinda sad I won't be in Norwalk this year.
I started working at Gap Kids/Baby Gap on Friday. Starting to get the hang of things. I'm pretty nervous for Black Friday though. It's going to be craaaaazy. Luckily I don't have to work Thanksgiving night anymore. Kinda sad I won't be in Norwalk this year.
Farewell to Hollywood
Hey everyone. While you have been keeping tabs on me over the last few years, I introduced you to an amazing young woman who was battling Osteosarcoma, Reggie Nicholson. I became extremely close to her over a years time before the cancer won and she was taken to Heaven in March 2012. During the last few years of her life she was collaborating with Henry Corra, an amazing filmmaker, on a documentary about her journey. The film is finally finished and will be premiering very soon. Please check out the trailer above, as well as the website and facebook page for tons of more details, and help spread the word. It's going to be an extraordinary film.
www.farewelltohollywood.com
https://www.facebook.com/FarewellToHollywood
https://www.facebook.com/CorraFilms
(if you're on facebook, please help support the film by liking these two pages)
Get to know Reggie by watching the short film she created a few years ago. The video is below:
www.farewelltohollywood.com
https://www.facebook.com/FarewellToHollywood
https://www.facebook.com/CorraFilms
(if you're on facebook, please help support the film by liking these two pages)
Get to know Reggie by watching the short film she created a few years ago. The video is below:
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
8:52pm
I had my post-op appointment today for my throat. I'm really not happy with my voice. After the first surgery it sounded amazing, but after this second one it sounds very scratchy, and pretty much how it was a couple of months ago. The doctor said that there is a chance for it to get better over the next couple months. I have a slight laryngitis thing going on in there that can't really be fixed. And like I knew from the beginning, these injections are only temporary. My doctor said that the vocal cord implant does not look good at all. I'm going to have to have it replaced in the near future, most likely early next year. This surgery would involve going back through my neck scar, and I'm awake on the table. I've had it done twice already. Once in 2006, and again in 2008. I see the surgeon in a few months, and then we'll see.
I had a big housewarming party over the weekend that was a lot of fun. It was very stressful though. There is so much to do when getting the house ready for parties, but I love having people over. I got a lot of gifts and gift cards to add to the house. I'm excited to go out and get more things I need for the house. I love this place so much. It really has been such a blessing, and I have amazing roommates.
It's been a crazy month for me. This time of year leading into the holidays just feels a bit sad. I've really been on my own this year trying to figure things out and feel myself again, but it's been really hard. I spent too much energy trying to stick up for myself and prove that I'm a good and caring and supportive person. Everyone seems to see that in me except one person. I wasted too much time defending myself to someone who doesn't appreciate the fact that I would do absolutely anything for them. I feel quite pathetic after all the hard work and effort I put in to something that I can't fix on my own. I made myself look needy and weak, and allowed someone to use that against me over and over again. I am not perfect, but I am nowhere near the person I was a year ago. There's only so much a person can do for someone before they just have to let go and let them realize their mistakes on their own. I can't fix it anymore. It's draining the life out of me. I'm going to make a man very happy someday because of how much effort I put in to making sure the relationship continues to grow, and if he doesn't ever get that, well then I guess there's someone else. I have said countless times that I would never give up, but I don't know what else to do anymore. There was something so special and connected about the relationship I had. And I honestly never want to be with anybody else. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to even think about that. But it's really not up to me anymore. I have to stop chasing after somebody who continually chooses to run away. I did my best, and I cared A LOT. I'm not going to say I'm giving up, so I just have to say that I'm giving it up to God.
I have something sort of new I'm working on. I say "sort of" because I've been working on it for a while, but just recently decided to get serious about it. Trying to fit that in along with school and improving my interpreting is going to be rough, but I really want to do both. I believe I can do it.
I got to see my Godson last night before my best friend and her husband went back home to Alaska today. He is seriously my whole world. I just want to squeeze the heck out of him when I see him!! But I don't. Hahaha.. He's just that cute! After he went to sleep I got to chill on the couch with my best friend, Danielle, for about a half hour. We were both on our phones looking through pictures the whole time while talking, but it was still quality time. Lol. We tend to compliment and insult each other at the same time in the strangest ways. Like last night she was looking at a picture of one of her other friends and says to me, "You'd really like her. She's like us... She's bitchy and tells it like it is." Hahaha... I wish they didn't have to go home. I get to talk to her all the time, but being here on my own has been rough the last few months. All my other close friends are off doing their own things as well. I don't know if this is just how it has to be right now or what the lesson is here, but nevertheless it's been quite lonely not seeing them all the time.
October is just about over, and then there's 2 more months left this year. I have things to distract me, school, a new project, my dogs, and a couple of trips at the start of next year. I can do this. It's time to be the strong woman everyone thinks I am.
I had my post-op appointment today for my throat. I'm really not happy with my voice. After the first surgery it sounded amazing, but after this second one it sounds very scratchy, and pretty much how it was a couple of months ago. The doctor said that there is a chance for it to get better over the next couple months. I have a slight laryngitis thing going on in there that can't really be fixed. And like I knew from the beginning, these injections are only temporary. My doctor said that the vocal cord implant does not look good at all. I'm going to have to have it replaced in the near future, most likely early next year. This surgery would involve going back through my neck scar, and I'm awake on the table. I've had it done twice already. Once in 2006, and again in 2008. I see the surgeon in a few months, and then we'll see.
I had a big housewarming party over the weekend that was a lot of fun. It was very stressful though. There is so much to do when getting the house ready for parties, but I love having people over. I got a lot of gifts and gift cards to add to the house. I'm excited to go out and get more things I need for the house. I love this place so much. It really has been such a blessing, and I have amazing roommates.
It's been a crazy month for me. This time of year leading into the holidays just feels a bit sad. I've really been on my own this year trying to figure things out and feel myself again, but it's been really hard. I spent too much energy trying to stick up for myself and prove that I'm a good and caring and supportive person. Everyone seems to see that in me except one person. I wasted too much time defending myself to someone who doesn't appreciate the fact that I would do absolutely anything for them. I feel quite pathetic after all the hard work and effort I put in to something that I can't fix on my own. I made myself look needy and weak, and allowed someone to use that against me over and over again. I am not perfect, but I am nowhere near the person I was a year ago. There's only so much a person can do for someone before they just have to let go and let them realize their mistakes on their own. I can't fix it anymore. It's draining the life out of me. I'm going to make a man very happy someday because of how much effort I put in to making sure the relationship continues to grow, and if he doesn't ever get that, well then I guess there's someone else. I have said countless times that I would never give up, but I don't know what else to do anymore. There was something so special and connected about the relationship I had. And I honestly never want to be with anybody else. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to even think about that. But it's really not up to me anymore. I have to stop chasing after somebody who continually chooses to run away. I did my best, and I cared A LOT. I'm not going to say I'm giving up, so I just have to say that I'm giving it up to God.
I have something sort of new I'm working on. I say "sort of" because I've been working on it for a while, but just recently decided to get serious about it. Trying to fit that in along with school and improving my interpreting is going to be rough, but I really want to do both. I believe I can do it.
I got to see my Godson last night before my best friend and her husband went back home to Alaska today. He is seriously my whole world. I just want to squeeze the heck out of him when I see him!! But I don't. Hahaha.. He's just that cute! After he went to sleep I got to chill on the couch with my best friend, Danielle, for about a half hour. We were both on our phones looking through pictures the whole time while talking, but it was still quality time. Lol. We tend to compliment and insult each other at the same time in the strangest ways. Like last night she was looking at a picture of one of her other friends and says to me, "You'd really like her. She's like us... She's bitchy and tells it like it is." Hahaha... I wish they didn't have to go home. I get to talk to her all the time, but being here on my own has been rough the last few months. All my other close friends are off doing their own things as well. I don't know if this is just how it has to be right now or what the lesson is here, but nevertheless it's been quite lonely not seeing them all the time.
October is just about over, and then there's 2 more months left this year. I have things to distract me, school, a new project, my dogs, and a couple of trips at the start of next year. I can do this. It's time to be the strong woman everyone thinks I am.
Wednesday, October 17, 2013
I had another surgery at the beginning of the month to help improve my voice. It's still a bit rough. I'm hoping it will continue to get stronger over time. Thanks for all the prayers.
Monday, July 8, 2013 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!)
Guinness Gravity Bar
12:38am
Greetings from Ireland! Wow, what a day it has been. I have been in the UK since July 1. I spent July 1-5 in London, and flew the Ireland on July 5. I come back home in a few days, on the 10th. :( I'll write more about my trip when I get home, but I just had to vent about my crazy day today.
I spent a couple of nights in Dublin just around the corner from where Hannah and CJ were staying. We all stayed in Temple Bar, which tends to be quite the hang out for people our age. It is very rowdy at night, and doesn't calm down till about 3:00 in the morning. I figured that out last night.
My first night in Temple Bar wasn't bad. I slept through the noise easily, but I hadn't had a nap that day, so I was pretty exhausted. On the 5th and 6th I did a Hop-on/Hop-off Bus Tour with Hannah and CJ throughout Dublin. I'll talk more about it later when I post all my pictures. Neither Hannah or I had been feeling good. When I got back to my hotel last yesterday evening, I knocked out and didn't wake up till around 10:30, I think. I could not go back to sleep after that. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the time difference over here. It's been a rough month. I was in Alaska a couple weeks ago for 5 days and the sun NEVER went down. Now I'm dealing with jetlag. I think I just might sleep for a whole week straight when I get home.
Anyways, I finally got some sleep around 4:00-4:30am only to make friends with my snooze button a few hours later. I had to get up and ready and out of my hotel by 9:00 to get over to the train station. This is how my day should have gone:
The train takes off at 10:00am, and arrives in Cork around 12:35pm. I take a taxi over to Cork airport to pick up the car I pre-booked. From the airport, I would check out Blarney, and then head down to Kinsale to look around and have a late lunch. And then from Kinsale I would make my way over to Dingle (a 2 1/2 hour drive), stopping along the McGillacuddy Reeks, and anywhere else I wanted to take pictures along the way. I would check in to my B&B around 5:00, maybe explore the town a little, and then go to bed at a decent hour.
I WISH!
Everything went okay until I got on the train. I sat down, and got situated, and then there was an announcement that there was going to be a short delay. That was about 30 minutes. We knew something was wrong when we didn't take off right away after one of the stops. We heard a few different things at first: there was a fire, a train accident, engine problems... The train was stopped at one of the stations for nearly TWO HOURS before we got any sort of answers. They knew what was wrong the whole time, but were keeping it from all the passengers. Foreigners are feisty creatures! When they want answers, they will find a way to get them! Apparently the signals were down for the line we were on. So the signals had to be operated manually. After that 2 hour stop, there were many more stops IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE periodically, and the speed of the train would vary. Most of the people on the train were trying to get over to see some match, which they all ended up missing. We didn't arrive in Cork until over 4 hours after it was originally supposed to be there. So there went Blarney and Kinsale....there's nothing I can do about it now. I'll just have to wait and see those places whenever I come back to Ireland. OH YEAH, the BO girl.. I sat next to two girls about my age from Germany. Dear Lord....I'm pretty sure they have deodorant there, right?! Every time she moved I got a wiff of it and wanted to puke. I don't know if any of you have seen Pride & Prejudice with Kiera Knightley, but all the sisters in that movie have this annoying giggle when they talked to each other, and that's exactly how these 2 girls sounded. I tried to sleep through most of it, but my sciatic nerve gets really irritated when I sit for that long. So toward the end it got kind of rough and uncomfortable.
My next adventure was off to the rental car place. I got to the airport and walked over to AVIS, and the lady already knew who I was. I handed over my credit card and license, and while she was processing the everything she noticed my age on my ID. Now, most places say you have to be over 25 to rent a car, and if you aren't, then they charge you an extra fee. I have done that before. It's kinda dumb, but whatever. Nbd. This place had a rule that you had to be eligible to have your license for 8 years, and actually obtain a license for 2 years. So then she asks, "You're 24, right?" And I just said yes because I'll be 24 in a couple months, and she obviously had my birth year right on the card in front of her. And then she asked, "You can have your license by 16 in the states, right?" And again, I said yes. Well, I guess since I was right on the border of being eligible, she had to call her manager to see if she could even rent me the car. BTW, I needed an automatic, which was hard to find last minute for a good price. She comes back from talking to her boss and notices that I'm only 23, so she has to go talk to him again, and when she comes back she tells me she can't rent me a car because I haven't been eligible to have a driver's license for 8 years. And I tried to tell her I've actually had my license since I was 15 1/2 before the law changed, and even if it was 16, that's only 2 months off from 8 years, and blah blah blah, she said NO. So then I'm like, shit, what am I supposed to do now....The only reason I took the train to Cork and not closer to Dingle was so I could see Blarney and Kinsale because today would've been my only day to do that. So I was out of a car, and stuck in a city with nothing to do, and a 2 1/2 hour drive away from my next stay. LUCKILY, praise the Lord, the rent-a-car place next door overheard and said he just happened to have one automatic available. It was waaayy more than what I was going to pay the other place and they had to hold a freakin liability deposit, but it was my only way of getting a car, so I bit the bullet, and took it.
Driving over here all by myself was soooooo insane at first. I was really freaking out. Excuse my language, but those FUCKING ROUND ABOUTS!!! OH MY GAWWDD!! I think I only got through ONE of those correctly out of like 7 or 8. The other times, well you can guess, I had to go around in another damn circle to finally figure out which direction to go. The Maps app on the iPhone sucks by the way! Google Maps was so much better, but there was no voice to tell me what to do. This is why you need a partner with you. Somebody has to be the navigator, oh, and take pictures while driving because there isn't any room on the roads to pull over and snap a couple pics before moving on. So the first 45 minutes to an hour sucked. I was afraid of the middle divider. Lol.. because we're used to having a passenger seat between us and the line to our right, so I kept leaving too much space, meaning I was weaving to the left. I felt like I was stuck on the other side of a mirror. My tongue was sticking out to the side in concentration like I was playing a driving video game with zero lives left. But once I hit the greenery, WOW!! Everything just stopped and slowly went away. I kept shouting in the car, WOW, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, OH MY GOD, etc., because these views were just breathtaking. When I could, I stopped along the road and took pictures. It was the perfect time of day for this drive to Dingle. I LOVE IT HERE!
I got to Castlewood House around 8:45pm, sun still shining. The owner came right out and knew who I was, grabbed my suitcase and helped me inside. First thing he did was ask me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't had any real food all day. So he got out a map of Dingle, a very small town, and marked it up with good places to eat and said I better walk down there before the places stop serving food around 9:15-9:30. It's about a 5-8 minute walk/stroll. With the restaurants, you have to call ahead, so I had to go to one of the many pubs along the street. I'm so happy with the one I picked. Paudie's Bar. The food was great, I had a couple beers, and there was excellent live music. I ended up staying until they finished, which was a little after 11:00, and then walked back to Castlewood. The streets are so quiet over here, and Dingle is right along the water. It's magical.
All those things today don't seem so bad now that I'm writing it all down. Well, I'm not going into great detail because I don't want to sound like a cranky complainer. But there's really no point in holding onto it. Tomorrow is another day. God really had my back with that rent-a-car business. I pray there are no delays on my way back to Dublin because everything has to work out just perfect in order for me to make my flight on time. So for everyone reading this fiasco, please pray for my journey home on Wednesday.
Tomorrow I am going horseback riding through Dingle! I'm super excited. It's going to be beautiful!! And I saw that there are pancakes on the menu for breakfast, which I'm pretty happy about. Hahaha... Anyways, here are a few pictures from Ireland. I will post more when I get home.
You can always follow me on Instagram (chelleford) to see pics I post, as well as Facebook.
Until next time...CHEERS.
Greetings from Ireland! Wow, what a day it has been. I have been in the UK since July 1. I spent July 1-5 in London, and flew the Ireland on July 5. I come back home in a few days, on the 10th. :( I'll write more about my trip when I get home, but I just had to vent about my crazy day today.
I spent a couple of nights in Dublin just around the corner from where Hannah and CJ were staying. We all stayed in Temple Bar, which tends to be quite the hang out for people our age. It is very rowdy at night, and doesn't calm down till about 3:00 in the morning. I figured that out last night.
My first night in Temple Bar wasn't bad. I slept through the noise easily, but I hadn't had a nap that day, so I was pretty exhausted. On the 5th and 6th I did a Hop-on/Hop-off Bus Tour with Hannah and CJ throughout Dublin. I'll talk more about it later when I post all my pictures. Neither Hannah or I had been feeling good. When I got back to my hotel last yesterday evening, I knocked out and didn't wake up till around 10:30, I think. I could not go back to sleep after that. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the time difference over here. It's been a rough month. I was in Alaska a couple weeks ago for 5 days and the sun NEVER went down. Now I'm dealing with jetlag. I think I just might sleep for a whole week straight when I get home.
Anyways, I finally got some sleep around 4:00-4:30am only to make friends with my snooze button a few hours later. I had to get up and ready and out of my hotel by 9:00 to get over to the train station. This is how my day should have gone:
The train takes off at 10:00am, and arrives in Cork around 12:35pm. I take a taxi over to Cork airport to pick up the car I pre-booked. From the airport, I would check out Blarney, and then head down to Kinsale to look around and have a late lunch. And then from Kinsale I would make my way over to Dingle (a 2 1/2 hour drive), stopping along the McGillacuddy Reeks, and anywhere else I wanted to take pictures along the way. I would check in to my B&B around 5:00, maybe explore the town a little, and then go to bed at a decent hour.
I WISH!
Everything went okay until I got on the train. I sat down, and got situated, and then there was an announcement that there was going to be a short delay. That was about 30 minutes. We knew something was wrong when we didn't take off right away after one of the stops. We heard a few different things at first: there was a fire, a train accident, engine problems... The train was stopped at one of the stations for nearly TWO HOURS before we got any sort of answers. They knew what was wrong the whole time, but were keeping it from all the passengers. Foreigners are feisty creatures! When they want answers, they will find a way to get them! Apparently the signals were down for the line we were on. So the signals had to be operated manually. After that 2 hour stop, there were many more stops IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE periodically, and the speed of the train would vary. Most of the people on the train were trying to get over to see some match, which they all ended up missing. We didn't arrive in Cork until over 4 hours after it was originally supposed to be there. So there went Blarney and Kinsale....there's nothing I can do about it now. I'll just have to wait and see those places whenever I come back to Ireland. OH YEAH, the BO girl.. I sat next to two girls about my age from Germany. Dear Lord....I'm pretty sure they have deodorant there, right?! Every time she moved I got a wiff of it and wanted to puke. I don't know if any of you have seen Pride & Prejudice with Kiera Knightley, but all the sisters in that movie have this annoying giggle when they talked to each other, and that's exactly how these 2 girls sounded. I tried to sleep through most of it, but my sciatic nerve gets really irritated when I sit for that long. So toward the end it got kind of rough and uncomfortable.
My next adventure was off to the rental car place. I got to the airport and walked over to AVIS, and the lady already knew who I was. I handed over my credit card and license, and while she was processing the everything she noticed my age on my ID. Now, most places say you have to be over 25 to rent a car, and if you aren't, then they charge you an extra fee. I have done that before. It's kinda dumb, but whatever. Nbd. This place had a rule that you had to be eligible to have your license for 8 years, and actually obtain a license for 2 years. So then she asks, "You're 24, right?" And I just said yes because I'll be 24 in a couple months, and she obviously had my birth year right on the card in front of her. And then she asked, "You can have your license by 16 in the states, right?" And again, I said yes. Well, I guess since I was right on the border of being eligible, she had to call her manager to see if she could even rent me the car. BTW, I needed an automatic, which was hard to find last minute for a good price. She comes back from talking to her boss and notices that I'm only 23, so she has to go talk to him again, and when she comes back she tells me she can't rent me a car because I haven't been eligible to have a driver's license for 8 years. And I tried to tell her I've actually had my license since I was 15 1/2 before the law changed, and even if it was 16, that's only 2 months off from 8 years, and blah blah blah, she said NO. So then I'm like, shit, what am I supposed to do now....The only reason I took the train to Cork and not closer to Dingle was so I could see Blarney and Kinsale because today would've been my only day to do that. So I was out of a car, and stuck in a city with nothing to do, and a 2 1/2 hour drive away from my next stay. LUCKILY, praise the Lord, the rent-a-car place next door overheard and said he just happened to have one automatic available. It was waaayy more than what I was going to pay the other place and they had to hold a freakin liability deposit, but it was my only way of getting a car, so I bit the bullet, and took it.
Driving over here all by myself was soooooo insane at first. I was really freaking out. Excuse my language, but those FUCKING ROUND ABOUTS!!! OH MY GAWWDD!! I think I only got through ONE of those correctly out of like 7 or 8. The other times, well you can guess, I had to go around in another damn circle to finally figure out which direction to go. The Maps app on the iPhone sucks by the way! Google Maps was so much better, but there was no voice to tell me what to do. This is why you need a partner with you. Somebody has to be the navigator, oh, and take pictures while driving because there isn't any room on the roads to pull over and snap a couple pics before moving on. So the first 45 minutes to an hour sucked. I was afraid of the middle divider. Lol.. because we're used to having a passenger seat between us and the line to our right, so I kept leaving too much space, meaning I was weaving to the left. I felt like I was stuck on the other side of a mirror. My tongue was sticking out to the side in concentration like I was playing a driving video game with zero lives left. But once I hit the greenery, WOW!! Everything just stopped and slowly went away. I kept shouting in the car, WOW, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, OH MY GOD, etc., because these views were just breathtaking. When I could, I stopped along the road and took pictures. It was the perfect time of day for this drive to Dingle. I LOVE IT HERE!
I got to Castlewood House around 8:45pm, sun still shining. The owner came right out and knew who I was, grabbed my suitcase and helped me inside. First thing he did was ask me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't had any real food all day. So he got out a map of Dingle, a very small town, and marked it up with good places to eat and said I better walk down there before the places stop serving food around 9:15-9:30. It's about a 5-8 minute walk/stroll. With the restaurants, you have to call ahead, so I had to go to one of the many pubs along the street. I'm so happy with the one I picked. Paudie's Bar. The food was great, I had a couple beers, and there was excellent live music. I ended up staying until they finished, which was a little after 11:00, and then walked back to Castlewood. The streets are so quiet over here, and Dingle is right along the water. It's magical.
All those things today don't seem so bad now that I'm writing it all down. Well, I'm not going into great detail because I don't want to sound like a cranky complainer. But there's really no point in holding onto it. Tomorrow is another day. God really had my back with that rent-a-car business. I pray there are no delays on my way back to Dublin because everything has to work out just perfect in order for me to make my flight on time. So for everyone reading this fiasco, please pray for my journey home on Wednesday.
Tomorrow I am going horseback riding through Dingle! I'm super excited. It's going to be beautiful!! And I saw that there are pancakes on the menu for breakfast, which I'm pretty happy about. Hahaha... Anyways, here are a few pictures from Ireland. I will post more when I get home.
You can always follow me on Instagram (chelleford) to see pics I post, as well as Facebook.
Until next time...CHEERS.
CLOVER on my Guinness!! So cute!!
One of the many bachelorette groups I saw in Temple Bar.
CJ photobomber
Some creepy guys Hannah wanted to be like sitting next to us at Guinness.. haha
Inch Beach
Friday, March 1, 2013
I can't believe it's already been a year since you left us. I miss you everyday. You completely changed my life, and I thank God for blessing me with trials that led me to meeting you. You will never be forgotten. I love you, sister.
Monday, February 25, 2013
5:21pm
My dearest Reggie,
Today would've been your 20th birthday. All I can think about today is how selfish I was last year. I missed celebrating your final birthday on Earth because of a stupid fight I was having with Anthony. I missed out on a lot of things because of that reason. I lost sight of what was really important, and spent too much time focusing on things that shouldn't have been problems at all. I made it about myself when it should have been all about you. I'm sorry, friend. It's a little too late for my apology now, but I really am sorry (to you and Henry).
I'm so glad you are pain-free. I bet you are having a huge party right now. At least, I'd like to imagine you still get to celebrate birthdays in Heaven. We miss you terribly. I find myself stopping every now and then because I can feel your warmth or hear your voice. I still see you in my dreams and I finally thank God for the crazy detailed dreams I have. They used to be a curse, but now I get to have long conversations with you. To me, they are real. They're always about what is currently going on. As strange as that may sound to everyone else, I don't care because it's like you're still here with me.
I love you so much. Always will. Happy Birthday, Reggie.
We miss you.
My dearest Reggie,
Today would've been your 20th birthday. All I can think about today is how selfish I was last year. I missed celebrating your final birthday on Earth because of a stupid fight I was having with Anthony. I missed out on a lot of things because of that reason. I lost sight of what was really important, and spent too much time focusing on things that shouldn't have been problems at all. I made it about myself when it should have been all about you. I'm sorry, friend. It's a little too late for my apology now, but I really am sorry (to you and Henry).
I'm so glad you are pain-free. I bet you are having a huge party right now. At least, I'd like to imagine you still get to celebrate birthdays in Heaven. We miss you terribly. I find myself stopping every now and then because I can feel your warmth or hear your voice. I still see you in my dreams and I finally thank God for the crazy detailed dreams I have. They used to be a curse, but now I get to have long conversations with you. To me, they are real. They're always about what is currently going on. As strange as that may sound to everyone else, I don't care because it's like you're still here with me.
I love you so much. Always will. Happy Birthday, Reggie.
We miss you.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
9:23pm
To my sister...I'm sorry I screwed things up. I'd still be there for you if I didn't mess up so badly. I'm here from afar for now. I'm sorry. I miss you deeply.
To my sister...I'm sorry I screwed things up. I'd still be there for you if I didn't mess up so badly. I'm here from afar for now. I'm sorry. I miss you deeply.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
12:20pm
I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.
I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
8:51pm
We couldn't have picked a better day to go to the beach. I woke up thanking God for this day. I knew it was going to be a good one. I got to see my second family today. It's been a while... So blessed to have them in my life. I get choked up just thinking about them. Honestly. It means so much having their support.
Today was Skylee's first dog beach experience. I think she enjoyed it more than Roxi. Haha.. This was Roxi's second time. Hopefully one of these days I can trust them enough to let them off their leashes. Sky wanted to play with the other dogs so bad she almost dragged me along for the ride. Lol. Someone else's dog kept wandering over onto our things. It tried to steal the bones Sky and Rox were playing with, and then peed on Austi's blanket. That put a damper on the day (no pun intended). Besides that though, it was a great day. The dogs are passed out in their bed, snuggling together. They should sleep good tonight. Me too, once I get all this sand off of me.
Well that's all I have to update you on today. Sorry it's not really exciting. haha ;)
We couldn't have picked a better day to go to the beach. I woke up thanking God for this day. I knew it was going to be a good one. I got to see my second family today. It's been a while... So blessed to have them in my life. I get choked up just thinking about them. Honestly. It means so much having their support.
Today was Skylee's first dog beach experience. I think she enjoyed it more than Roxi. Haha.. This was Roxi's second time. Hopefully one of these days I can trust them enough to let them off their leashes. Sky wanted to play with the other dogs so bad she almost dragged me along for the ride. Lol. Someone else's dog kept wandering over onto our things. It tried to steal the bones Sky and Rox were playing with, and then peed on Austi's blanket. That put a damper on the day (no pun intended). Besides that though, it was a great day. The dogs are passed out in their bed, snuggling together. They should sleep good tonight. Me too, once I get all this sand off of me.
Well that's all I have to update you on today. Sorry it's not really exciting. haha ;)
Saturday, February 16, 2013
9:21am
When I went into surgery one way, and woke up from surgery with a whole different attitude, no one ever thought, "Hey, I think something is wrong?"
Doing some observations from my brain surgery (almost) 7 years ago. When I think about the girl I was even just the night before, I had a very good attitude about it all. I had a strong outlook on life. I was remaining positive. I wasn't pushing people away. I remember being very calm. Then surgery happened and I woke up a completely different person: angry, throwing tantrums, yelling at my family, yelling at my visitors, extremely negative, on edge, unfriendly, and ready to give up. I realize the circumstances alone could cause some of these things, but they stuck around longer than just a couple days. I'm starting to wonder......is this where it all began?
When I went into surgery one way, and woke up from surgery with a whole different attitude, no one ever thought, "Hey, I think something is wrong?"
Doing some observations from my brain surgery (almost) 7 years ago. When I think about the girl I was even just the night before, I had a very good attitude about it all. I had a strong outlook on life. I was remaining positive. I wasn't pushing people away. I remember being very calm. Then surgery happened and I woke up a completely different person: angry, throwing tantrums, yelling at my family, yelling at my visitors, extremely negative, on edge, unfriendly, and ready to give up. I realize the circumstances alone could cause some of these things, but they stuck around longer than just a couple days. I'm starting to wonder......is this where it all began?
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.
Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
5:41pm
I just got off the phone with Grama. I wonder if the way I'm feeling right now is the same way people felt after talking to me when I was going through Chemo. She sounds just like me. Trying to sound like you're staying positive, but as soon as you are alone you go back to hating life. I've heard the line 3 times. "I'm ready to go." It's just as hard hearing that phrase all three times. I used to say it. I used to think it. I used to pray for it. I'm on the receiving end now, and I sincerely apologize to everyone who heard me say I was ready to give up. When you love someone so much, it breaks your heart to hear such things. How can they give up when you never once gave up on them?!
I went to a funeral on Friday for one of my oldest friend's dad. The family never got to say goodbye. Would it have made it any easier if he told everyone he was "ready to go"? No one would have wanted to hear that. Whether you have a warning or not, all death is heart-wrenching.
I've stepped up to the plate to be there for many people going through hard times over the years. It's not to make myself feel better or to get bonus points with God. It's because I found that I was so alone during the lowest points in my life. Of course I had God. He no longer walked beside me, but carried me with His bare hands. But having face to face support from people who love you is what I truly missed out on during the hardest bumps of my journey. Sometimes you just need a slap in the behind from someone yelling at you to keep going. It's not supposed to be easy. In fact, it's really really hard. Someone once told me that if your life is easy and you're feeling comfortable, it means you're bored. You're not progressing. You're at a stand still and God wants you to be constantly bettering yourself to be more like Him. I try to keep that in mind when my life feels intolerable. I'm just on the road to becoming a better and stronger person.
She wants to give up. Do I let her? Do I just sit back and watch another loved one die? My body is exhausted from feeling all the pain. No more death, please! And yet....late at night when I can't take much more that life is throwing at me, I contemplate death myself! What a hypocrite! What a coward! How would I make the ones that love me and put so much fight into my life feel if I just gave up and left them with one more death to deal with?! It must be frustrating as hell to watch someone with their whole life ahead of them....quit...................... It won't always be this way. Tomorrow is another day. Why are we so full of grudges, anger, stubbornness, loathing...? Why? Would we rather spend our days being angry at everyone and everything? It seems that way, doesn't it? It doesn't make you feel any better. It doesn't make those around you feel great either. I'm watching people around me drop like flies and all I can say is, I'm sorry. I wish life was easier sometimes. I wish we could all hold onto what means most and let go of what's not important. Life doesn't have to be short. Life is what we make it out to be. Anything is possible.
I just got off the phone with Grama. I wonder if the way I'm feeling right now is the same way people felt after talking to me when I was going through Chemo. She sounds just like me. Trying to sound like you're staying positive, but as soon as you are alone you go back to hating life. I've heard the line 3 times. "I'm ready to go." It's just as hard hearing that phrase all three times. I used to say it. I used to think it. I used to pray for it. I'm on the receiving end now, and I sincerely apologize to everyone who heard me say I was ready to give up. When you love someone so much, it breaks your heart to hear such things. How can they give up when you never once gave up on them?!
I went to a funeral on Friday for one of my oldest friend's dad. The family never got to say goodbye. Would it have made it any easier if he told everyone he was "ready to go"? No one would have wanted to hear that. Whether you have a warning or not, all death is heart-wrenching.
I've stepped up to the plate to be there for many people going through hard times over the years. It's not to make myself feel better or to get bonus points with God. It's because I found that I was so alone during the lowest points in my life. Of course I had God. He no longer walked beside me, but carried me with His bare hands. But having face to face support from people who love you is what I truly missed out on during the hardest bumps of my journey. Sometimes you just need a slap in the behind from someone yelling at you to keep going. It's not supposed to be easy. In fact, it's really really hard. Someone once told me that if your life is easy and you're feeling comfortable, it means you're bored. You're not progressing. You're at a stand still and God wants you to be constantly bettering yourself to be more like Him. I try to keep that in mind when my life feels intolerable. I'm just on the road to becoming a better and stronger person.
She wants to give up. Do I let her? Do I just sit back and watch another loved one die? My body is exhausted from feeling all the pain. No more death, please! And yet....late at night when I can't take much more that life is throwing at me, I contemplate death myself! What a hypocrite! What a coward! How would I make the ones that love me and put so much fight into my life feel if I just gave up and left them with one more death to deal with?! It must be frustrating as hell to watch someone with their whole life ahead of them....quit...................... It won't always be this way. Tomorrow is another day. Why are we so full of grudges, anger, stubbornness, loathing...? Why? Would we rather spend our days being angry at everyone and everything? It seems that way, doesn't it? It doesn't make you feel any better. It doesn't make those around you feel great either. I'm watching people around me drop like flies and all I can say is, I'm sorry. I wish life was easier sometimes. I wish we could all hold onto what means most and let go of what's not important. Life doesn't have to be short. Life is what we make it out to be. Anything is possible.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
2:57pm
When the two people who love you most in the world are getting pissed off at you in the exact same way because of your attitude, then maybe part of the problem is you, not them. Just a thought...
When the two people who love you most in the world are getting pissed off at you in the exact same way because of your attitude, then maybe part of the problem is you, not them. Just a thought...
Saturday, February 2, 2013
1:26pm
Well hello everyone. It's been a very long time since I updated my website. Last time I was on here we just finished my Gamma Knife radiation treatment for the growth of my brain tumor. I can now tell you that it has been 5 months later and the results are in. The tumor is shrinking. The remainder of this year is going to be full of change for Miss Michelle Ford. I recently sold my house, and am on to find the next place to start over which what I think will be the best days of my life. Getting there won't easy. The next MRI will be in September; exactly one year post-op radiation. And if all goes as I hope it will, by the end of this year I think it will be time to get my book out there.
Along with the news of my shrinking tumor, I found out some other scary, yet satisfying news. During the last 5 months my personality and behavior has changed quite a bit. No one knows that more than, I can say this now, my ex-boyfriend, Anthony. I became very aggressive. My choices were impulsive and I acted out in ways I am most ashamed of. To me, I felt like I had lost control. Nothing made sense. I knew I wasn't myself, but I just thought because of the circumstances I was just acting out in anger like anybody would.
I've learned about these cases before. I've seen them on the news, and tv shows like Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I am dealing with personality and behavioral changes due to the location of my brain tumor. It's dramatically gotten worse over the last 5 months because of the brain trauma and swelling from radiation. Things are finally starting to make sense to me: why I've been so angry, snapping at people, having outbursts, and acting out before thinking. Although these things have been going on for years, they had started to get worse when the tumor began growing into a new part of the brain, and obviously after radiation.
With that said and done, I have a lot coming up. Maybe I'll just be one of those before and after cases you see on TV all the time. Who knows...
As for everyone else, I have gotten mixed reviews from the ones I gave the news to already. Most of them agree that I haven't been myself lately and that a lot of this makes sense to them. But of course, so much damage has already been done. Now, if this happened to someone I didn't really know who had an outburst toward me, then I would completely understand. But if this was something that had been going on for a very long time and someone was making me feel like shit most days, then it would be a lot harder to forgive even though this is beyond their control. And that is where I am at with the man I love more than anything in the world. Because although I love him more than words can say, this crazy behavior was taken out on him. I'd be in the moment, trying to get out of it, but it was beyond my control. And now I've lost the man that I was one hundred percent sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with all because I was "blessed with a burden". (Thank you, Freedom Writers) So now I am back to where I was two years ago, but unlike last time, I know what to do. I have my resources and doctors and we're going to fix this once and for all.
Well hello everyone. It's been a very long time since I updated my website. Last time I was on here we just finished my Gamma Knife radiation treatment for the growth of my brain tumor. I can now tell you that it has been 5 months later and the results are in. The tumor is shrinking. The remainder of this year is going to be full of change for Miss Michelle Ford. I recently sold my house, and am on to find the next place to start over which what I think will be the best days of my life. Getting there won't easy. The next MRI will be in September; exactly one year post-op radiation. And if all goes as I hope it will, by the end of this year I think it will be time to get my book out there.
Along with the news of my shrinking tumor, I found out some other scary, yet satisfying news. During the last 5 months my personality and behavior has changed quite a bit. No one knows that more than, I can say this now, my ex-boyfriend, Anthony. I became very aggressive. My choices were impulsive and I acted out in ways I am most ashamed of. To me, I felt like I had lost control. Nothing made sense. I knew I wasn't myself, but I just thought because of the circumstances I was just acting out in anger like anybody would.
I've learned about these cases before. I've seen them on the news, and tv shows like Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I am dealing with personality and behavioral changes due to the location of my brain tumor. It's dramatically gotten worse over the last 5 months because of the brain trauma and swelling from radiation. Things are finally starting to make sense to me: why I've been so angry, snapping at people, having outbursts, and acting out before thinking. Although these things have been going on for years, they had started to get worse when the tumor began growing into a new part of the brain, and obviously after radiation.
With that said and done, I have a lot coming up. Maybe I'll just be one of those before and after cases you see on TV all the time. Who knows...
As for everyone else, I have gotten mixed reviews from the ones I gave the news to already. Most of them agree that I haven't been myself lately and that a lot of this makes sense to them. But of course, so much damage has already been done. Now, if this happened to someone I didn't really know who had an outburst toward me, then I would completely understand. But if this was something that had been going on for a very long time and someone was making me feel like shit most days, then it would be a lot harder to forgive even though this is beyond their control. And that is where I am at with the man I love more than anything in the world. Because although I love him more than words can say, this crazy behavior was taken out on him. I'd be in the moment, trying to get out of it, but it was beyond my control. And now I've lost the man that I was one hundred percent sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with all because I was "blessed with a burden". (Thank you, Freedom Writers) So now I am back to where I was two years ago, but unlike last time, I know what to do. I have my resources and doctors and we're going to fix this once and for all.
“When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. You must expect setbacks and regressions. Don't say to yourself "All is lost. I have to start all over again." This is not true. What you have gained you have gained....When you return to the the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love