Sunday, December 28, 2008
"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"
2009 is going to be a better year.
2009 is going to be a better year.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I just ran into Robin, JG, KG, and Tori at Target. It was so awkward.
She text me a few minutes ago saying, "It was good seeing you. I do miss you." She really confuses me. She deleted me from her facebook again just out of the blue when I haven't even talked to her in 2 months. I was doing fine. I was starting to move on, and then these little things happen. Just leave me alone.
She text me a few minutes ago saying, "It was good seeing you. I do miss you." She really confuses me. She deleted me from her facebook again just out of the blue when I haven't even talked to her in 2 months. I was doing fine. I was starting to move on, and then these little things happen. Just leave me alone.
Friday, December 18, 2008
Dr. Brackmann got the reports from my brain MRI and everything is stable. I broke down. That's how I'm supposed to feel. I'm supposed to want good news. Thank You Lord. I just pray that all the other scans are good and stable too.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I wish I had someone to cry with.
I just want someone to love me for who I am and not leave me when times get hard.
I just want someone to love me for who I am and not leave me when times get hard.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I'm really loving my sign language class. There are 2 more weeks left of my first semester and I wish it wasn't over. I went to a sign interpreting major orientation tonight. The more I take this class, the more I want to keep going.
Friday, November 14, 2008
God, why does this keep happening to me? Why me? Haven't I been through enough? I'm in over my head. I just want out. Get me out of this. I want to be happy. Why are things so complicated? I feel like I'm the worst person in the world.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Tori and I finally talked, but it was online. Things will never be the same. It's very sad. She is going to be moving to her dad's this summer. I don't know if she'll really like it though.
I also talked to Danika last week on her birthday. I gave her a shirt I bought in Puerto Rico and wrote her a note in a card. Something I must have said made her call me-- so maybe that's a good thing. She said we should hang out even if it isn't for her birthday, which made me really happy. But again, I don't know if that will really happen.
I saw Laney today and she started tearing up. My heart was racing. I miss her and that family so much it hurts.
I went to the Carrie Underwood concert last week. It was so good. I loved it. I even saw Chelsey from Days of Our Lives there. She walked right past me.
I also talked to Danika last week on her birthday. I gave her a shirt I bought in Puerto Rico and wrote her a note in a card. Something I must have said made her call me-- so maybe that's a good thing. She said we should hang out even if it isn't for her birthday, which made me really happy. But again, I don't know if that will really happen.
I saw Laney today and she started tearing up. My heart was racing. I miss her and that family so much it hurts.
I went to the Carrie Underwood concert last week. It was so good. I loved it. I even saw Chelsey from Days of Our Lives there. She walked right past me.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I have been living at my dad's for 3 weeks. So much has gone on in the past 2 months. Tori still isn't speaking with me. My mom and I haven't really been speaking.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I feel like I am having a bad dream that I just haven't woke up from. How can this really be happening to me?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Why don't You just kill me already?!?!?!!!!! You're doing everything else to me. Kill me! Make it painful!
Monday, September 8, 2008
I have never felt more overweight, disgusting, ugly, and unattractive in my in entire life.
I feel like I don't exist. Like I am slowly being forgotten.
I feel like I don't exist. Like I am slowly being forgotten.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Today has been very emotional for me. This morning I had to go to CHLA for my Zometa. I cried pretty much the whole time. I was almost wishing for bad news.
People always leave...
People always leave...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Lord-
I would go through chemo again, I would go through more surgeries, I would go through more setbacks if only to have my best friend back.
I would go through chemo again, I would go through more surgeries, I would go through more setbacks if only to have my best friend back.
Friday, August 8, 2008
8-8-08
I hate my f****** life!!!
I hate my f****** life!!!
Friday, August 1, 2008
And now we are off for surgery #9. I pray that it goes well and that it's a quick recovery.
I miss dani.
I miss dani.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We just had a pretty big earthquake. It was a 5.8. I'm home by myself with Shortie. I hope my dad is okay.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Last night I got super sick and I don't know why. I threw up so much and my stomach has still been upset all day today. I feel like I am on chemo all over again. This sucks! I just want a break every now and then. Today I have no voice. I haven't been able to sleep since my surgery. I'm exhausted! I'm so nervous for the next surgery now. I don't even want to have it!
Friday, July 18, 2008
5:35 am
I am about to leave to go have my palate surgery this morning. I pray that everything goes well.
I didn't even hear from Danika before the surgery...
I didn't even hear from Danika before the surgery...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I Love You Lord.
I miss Danika.
If I died would people actually care? Would people feel sorry then? Or would I just be forgotten right away?
I miss Danika.
If I died would people actually care? Would people feel sorry then? Or would I just be forgotten right away?
Friday, June 6, 2008
Why doesn't anyone love me?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Today it has been 2 years since I was diagnosed with bone cancer and had my first surgery (brain). It's been a weird day. Got home from the women's retreat and showered. Went to piano lessons. Then to the Sciarrotta's for Laney's birthday. It was so nice to hang out with the family again. I miss that so much. I love that family.
2 years. Last page.
Looking forward to a better year of good health and better choices.
2 years. Last page.
Looking forward to a better year of good health and better choices.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Well, I haven't slept in over 32 hours. My dad and I went and saw my grandpa last night. He was hallucinating really bad. It was so hard to watch. He kept wanting to up and leave. He talked all sorts of things: meat, quail, food... he kept yelling at my dad and calling him Wayne. It was really scary. At one point the nurse said he might have to be put in a straight jacket to keep him from hurting himself. I prayed so hard last night.
My dad and I stayed all night so my grandma could get some sleep. There was no way we were getting any sleep done last night. They ended up giving him a shot of this anti-psychotic medication which made him sleep for 3 hours, then he woke up and they gave him another shot. When he woke up this morning he started coming around again. He eventually noticed my dad and me, which made me smile big. Then he slept for another 3 1/2 hours till about 10. Then he was back to himself.
Praise God. Thank God.
I was so afraid that this was the end, and he wasn't going to come back to his regular self. Thank You Lord. Thank You. You do answer prayer.
My dad and I stayed all night so my grandma could get some sleep. There was no way we were getting any sleep done last night. They ended up giving him a shot of this anti-psychotic medication which made him sleep for 3 hours, then he woke up and they gave him another shot. When he woke up this morning he started coming around again. He eventually noticed my dad and me, which made me smile big. Then he slept for another 3 1/2 hours till about 10. Then he was back to himself.
Praise God. Thank God.
I was so afraid that this was the end, and he wasn't going to come back to his regular self. Thank You Lord. Thank You. You do answer prayer.
Tuesday, March 9, 2008
My Grandpa had a heart attack last night. We went and saw him in the hospital a little bit ago. He did not look good. He has this big tube up his nose going to his stomach and it had blood in it.
He can't die. I'm not ready to say goodbye. He still has so much to see me accomplish. He can't go. Don't take him yet!
please.
He can't die. I'm not ready to say goodbye. He still has so much to see me accomplish. He can't go. Don't take him yet!
please.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Dr. Jubran just call with my scan results and said that nothing is active! And that nothing showed up on my brain either! AHHHHH!
I LOVE YOU LORD!
Even when I don't deserve this. Oh you are so amazing!
"Since God is our Strong Provider, we can be assured that he is in control of every aspect of our lives. He will prepare the way before us. He will never leave us. And he will provide for our every need."
My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
I LOVE YOU LORD!
Even when I don't deserve this. Oh you are so amazing!
"Since God is our Strong Provider, we can be assured that he is in control of every aspect of our lives. He will prepare the way before us. He will never leave us. And he will provide for our every need."
My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
Monday, February 25, 2008
I'm about to leave for my 1st day of school.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I finally lifted my leg in P.T. on Friday!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
It's about 5:20pm their time. Got done with the treatment about 4:00. It was miserable. A lot of puking. A lot of blood. For a while there I just didn't think I could do it anymore. But amazingly I did.
I'm glad to go home tomorrow. I just hope we are able to get out of here.
I'm glad to go home tomorrow. I just hope we are able to get out of here.
Monday, January 7, 2008
It's about 10:00am Monday morning. Our first day at the hospital this trip. I'm in the middle of my GFR. We have about an hour more to kill. Yesterday didn't go so well. We didn't have a long layover in Denver, so no time for lunch. And then we couldn't land in Cedar Rapids because they had fog. So we landed in Des Moines. Then waited an hour for a bus to come and take us all to Cedar Rapids which was a 2 hour drive. And then from there we hopped on a shuttle back to our hotel where we could finally eat. Yumm... a cup of noodles.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Dear Michelle,
Why did you have to die? You used to be able to do anything. Now you can't do anything. You're hobbling around on one leg. You can't swim. You can't sing. You can't play. What happened to you? You're no fun anymore. You have no friends. You sit around all the time. You can't do anything.
Why does cancer happen? Why does it have to hurt so bad to get any better? I’m not going anywhere. I want to have fun! I want to go out! I want to hang out with people! I want to dance! I want to play! I want to laugh! I want to sleep!
p.s. you’re gonna make it.
Why did you have to die? You used to be able to do anything. Now you can't do anything. You're hobbling around on one leg. You can't swim. You can't sing. You can't play. What happened to you? You're no fun anymore. You have no friends. You sit around all the time. You can't do anything.
Why does cancer happen? Why does it have to hurt so bad to get any better? I’m not going anywhere. I want to have fun! I want to go out! I want to hang out with people! I want to dance! I want to play! I want to laugh! I want to sleep!
p.s. you’re gonna make it.
Monday, December 10, 2007
What a great day.
In physical therapy they set up this flyer thing where people are giving me donations for my medical bills. And then they have a Christmas tree where they have been putting little notes for me. Oh it was just so overwhelming. I am so thankful and oh so blessed. I just love every one of them in there.
I've had a smile from ear to ear all day.
We are going to see Ellen next week. It's so amazing.
In physical therapy they set up this flyer thing where people are giving me donations for my medical bills. And then they have a Christmas tree where they have been putting little notes for me. Oh it was just so overwhelming. I am so thankful and oh so blessed. I just love every one of them in there.
I've had a smile from ear to ear all day.
We are going to see Ellen next week. It's so amazing.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
We are in Iowa. Today was the first day at the hospital. They put a pic line in me, and it was one of the worst things that has happened. It feels like they went through a nerve. there is numbness and tingling down my arm. At one point there was a pop and the pain and numbness shot down my arm to my fingers. And there was so much pain. They went through these muscles and I can barely move my arm. I'm so overwhelmed by this. It was supposed to be this tiny thing and it blew up. I'm really frustrated.
November 7, 2007
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. Pslam 34:19
I Love My Brother.
I Love You Lord.
THANK You.
I Love My Brother.
I Love You Lord.
THANK You.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Yea, it's been a long time since I have written in here.
Well, right now there are fires all over southern California. They are really intense. My Aunt and the family have been evacuated from their home since yesterday morning.
I talked to Brianna yesterday and she finally went home to Glendora late last night/early this morning from San Marcos.
And then Melissa was on possible evacuation, but when I talked to her this morning she said they never had to leave.
Pondo might be up in flames. All of Running Springs is pretty much gone. It's even towards Thousand Pines now. It's so crazy. I can't believe this is all happening. Over 2,000 homes have been lost. 6 people have died so far. Over 500,000 people have been evacuated in San Diego. That's only San Diego. What is supposed to happen when the fires are over? Where are these people supposed to live? And work? And go to school? I just feel helpless and very fortunate at the same time.
I still haven't written about Iowa, but I don't think I'm going to do it tonight either.
Well, right now there are fires all over southern California. They are really intense. My Aunt and the family have been evacuated from their home since yesterday morning.
I talked to Brianna yesterday and she finally went home to Glendora late last night/early this morning from San Marcos.
And then Melissa was on possible evacuation, but when I talked to her this morning she said they never had to leave.
Pondo might be up in flames. All of Running Springs is pretty much gone. It's even towards Thousand Pines now. It's so crazy. I can't believe this is all happening. Over 2,000 homes have been lost. 6 people have died so far. Over 500,000 people have been evacuated in San Diego. That's only San Diego. What is supposed to happen when the fires are over? Where are these people supposed to live? And work? And go to school? I just feel helpless and very fortunate at the same time.
I still haven't written about Iowa, but I don't think I'm going to do it tonight either.
Monday, October 8, 2007
"If you believe, it can happen."
Those were the words of this 8-year-old girl we watched on Extreme Makeover:Home Edition last night. She has cancer. It was so hard to watch, but inspiring at the same time.
We leave for Iowa tomorrow morning. I did realize one thing last night. We need to find a cure. And if that means that I have to go to Iowa to find one, then that is what we are going to do.
Those were the words of this 8-year-old girl we watched on Extreme Makeover:Home Edition last night. She has cancer. It was so hard to watch, but inspiring at the same time.
We leave for Iowa tomorrow morning. I did realize one thing last night. We need to find a cure. And if that means that I have to go to Iowa to find one, then that is what we are going to do.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
So I should have written this in here right after it happened, but things got in the way. Mostly laziness.
So last week I had my last test done for before we leave for Iowa. I had to get an echo and EKG done. Because I am 18 now, I get to go in the rooms by myself. So the nurse took me in this room and was just sort of asking me asking questions about everything. Partly to put in the computer and partly just cuz she was curious. She asked what I was getting this done for and I said for a study in Iowa. An experimental study they are doing and they think it will kill all the spots I have. And she was like, "Oh, you have cancer?" More of a statement than a question. I said, "Yeah, it's a really rare bone cancer that I'm the only one in the world who has it." And she just looked at me and said, "Oh... Oh I am so sorry." Then she came over and hugged me, and held me. Held on to me and said, "Jesus heal her."
That was the best thing that has ever happened to me through all of this. It was just what I needed.
So last week I had my last test done for before we leave for Iowa. I had to get an echo and EKG done. Because I am 18 now, I get to go in the rooms by myself. So the nurse took me in this room and was just sort of asking me asking questions about everything. Partly to put in the computer and partly just cuz she was curious. She asked what I was getting this done for and I said for a study in Iowa. An experimental study they are doing and they think it will kill all the spots I have. And she was like, "Oh, you have cancer?" More of a statement than a question. I said, "Yeah, it's a really rare bone cancer that I'm the only one in the world who has it." And she just looked at me and said, "Oh... Oh I am so sorry." Then she came over and hugged me, and held me. Held on to me and said, "Jesus heal her."
That was the best thing that has ever happened to me through all of this. It was just what I needed.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Everything is going to be okay.
"Those things we consider to be difficulties are often God's opportunities for our greater blessing. We must trust, believe, hope, and continue to walk the path He has laid before us."
"Those things we consider to be difficulties are often God's opportunities for our greater blessing. We must trust, believe, hope, and continue to walk the path He has laid before us."
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Today I had my bone marrow test and some really weird stuff happened. 1st though- we had to get there at 6am. Getting checked in took a very long time. But anyways, they put me to sleep with the gas mask thing this time, which I really didn't like and will never do again. But before as me and the anesthesiologist walked into the surgery room we were talking about Iowa. So she was asking me about it. And as she put the mask on me and explained that it was laughing gas some weird stuff happened.
It sent this annoying numbing tingling down my body. Starting upwards and then worked its way to my feet. And then I could tell I was falling asleep because my breathing got strong like I was sleeping already but could see and hear in the room but couldn't respond. And she asked me about how many days I was staying in Iowa and I could hear her, but couldn't say anything. And then as my eyes closed she was repeating my name like-Michelle? Michelle....? And then someone else said something and she did again. Then that tingling annoying feeling kept going on and this familiar thing that she said was totally what I had a dream about the night before.
It was like how they try to get the person's point of view in a movie. Like it's a far off sound. And I felt like I had died. Because, well, they were repeating my name and I wasn't sure why. I did not like this thing today.
It sent this annoying numbing tingling down my body. Starting upwards and then worked its way to my feet. And then I could tell I was falling asleep because my breathing got strong like I was sleeping already but could see and hear in the room but couldn't respond. And she asked me about how many days I was staying in Iowa and I could hear her, but couldn't say anything. And then as my eyes closed she was repeating my name like-Michelle? Michelle....? And then someone else said something and she did again. Then that tingling annoying feeling kept going on and this familiar thing that she said was totally what I had a dream about the night before.
It was like how they try to get the person's point of view in a movie. Like it's a far off sound. And I felt like I had died. Because, well, they were repeating my name and I wasn't sure why. I did not like this thing today.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Today was my 18th birthday. I didn't do anything all day till dinner time. My mom, brother, and I went to Northwoods, but I got to open my presents before we went. My mom got me this pretty diamond ring with my birthstone in the middle, and a disney picture frame. My brother got me this goofy card and a gift card to Sport Chalet. My dad got me some pretty earrings.
Then I had a fundraiser to go to at the park that Joe Donofio put on for me. It ended up not being that bad. The boy that did that other fundraiser for me was there. I saw all sorts of people tonight. Ms. Kim (my art teacher). Mrs. Darwin and Mrs. Miller (my kindergarten teachers). There were a lot of familiar faces there. And they raised a lot of money for me. Everyone who talk to me kept saying how beautiful I looked. That really made me feel good.
The guy in the band was talking to be at the end of the night and kept saying how he kept expecting Michelle Ford to be this sick girl in a wheelchair all keeled over, but that I was pretty. He was pretty funny.
Now I'm exhausted. So I'm going to sleep. I have another MRI tomorrow. I had one yesterday. Friday I have the kidney test and echogram test. Monday and Tuesday I have nuclear scans. And then Wednesday I have the bone marrow test. We leave for Iowa on the 9th. I'm really starting to look forward to it.
I Love God!!!
Good Night.
Then I had a fundraiser to go to at the park that Joe Donofio put on for me. It ended up not being that bad. The boy that did that other fundraiser for me was there. I saw all sorts of people tonight. Ms. Kim (my art teacher). Mrs. Darwin and Mrs. Miller (my kindergarten teachers). There were a lot of familiar faces there. And they raised a lot of money for me. Everyone who talk to me kept saying how beautiful I looked. That really made me feel good.
The guy in the band was talking to be at the end of the night and kept saying how he kept expecting Michelle Ford to be this sick girl in a wheelchair all keeled over, but that I was pretty. He was pretty funny.
Now I'm exhausted. So I'm going to sleep. I have another MRI tomorrow. I had one yesterday. Friday I have the kidney test and echogram test. Monday and Tuesday I have nuclear scans. And then Wednesday I have the bone marrow test. We leave for Iowa on the 9th. I'm really starting to look forward to it.
I Love God!!!
Good Night.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
So I hung out with Danika and Jamie on Thursday after I got my staples out. It was so fun just being in the presence of both of them. Jamie came over in the morning and brought cinnamon rolls and we caught up on the drama. Then I got my staples out and then they both came and picked me up. Danika dyed Jamie's hair brown. It turned out really cute, but then we had to go help her break the news to her mom. haha. It was a great night, all in all.
I need Your help to trust in You. I want to so bad, but it is just so hard to surrender everything and just trust that it is in Your hands.
This is my prayer.
I'm not going to school at all now. It's for the better because I really don't know what the next few months are going to look like. We're going to Iowa hopefully the first week in October. They haven't set a date yet, but we're really hoping they set it soon.
I need Your help to trust in You. I want to so bad, but it is just so hard to surrender everything and just trust that it is in Your hands.
This is my prayer.
I'm not going to school at all now. It's for the better because I really don't know what the next few months are going to look like. We're going to Iowa hopefully the first week in October. They haven't set a date yet, but we're really hoping they set it soon.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Okay, well... a little overwhelmed right now.
We went to Children's today for my monthly thing. But she told us about the Iowa thing. So she basically read all these papers to us about it. And then before I do it, I have all these tests I have to do. Like a bone marrow test (which is going to hurt, but I'll be asleep), and echogram test, and some other test. Also, I think she wants an MRI done. Then we would go to Iowa to get this injection thing and then go home after like 5 days. If this whole thing doesn't work then she is not going to give me anything. I'm just going to live life with all these tumors and she is just going to watch me. If it stays the same, she will keeping watching it. But if something changes and it gets worse, then I would have to go on hard-core chemo where I would lose my hair and be just like those kids I see when I go into children's. So this is basically it. It is all coming down to this. It is really hard to just trust God and to have faith that this is going to work in Iowa.
I also just decided that I won't be going to school. I'm not going to take sign language and English. I'm just going to take the college algebra online. And then deal with all this stuff coming up and just try to get my leg stronger and me stronger. Then hopefully things will be great by January and I'll start school then.
So right now, I just need to trust in God.
We went to Children's today for my monthly thing. But she told us about the Iowa thing. So she basically read all these papers to us about it. And then before I do it, I have all these tests I have to do. Like a bone marrow test (which is going to hurt, but I'll be asleep), and echogram test, and some other test. Also, I think she wants an MRI done. Then we would go to Iowa to get this injection thing and then go home after like 5 days. If this whole thing doesn't work then she is not going to give me anything. I'm just going to live life with all these tumors and she is just going to watch me. If it stays the same, she will keeping watching it. But if something changes and it gets worse, then I would have to go on hard-core chemo where I would lose my hair and be just like those kids I see when I go into children's. So this is basically it. It is all coming down to this. It is really hard to just trust God and to have faith that this is going to work in Iowa.
I also just decided that I won't be going to school. I'm not going to take sign language and English. I'm just going to take the college algebra online. And then deal with all this stuff coming up and just try to get my leg stronger and me stronger. Then hopefully things will be great by January and I'll start school then.
So right now, I just need to trust in God.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
First, Lynne called the next day to tell me she found her keys in a shoe in her closet.
Today I finally told Danika how I've been feeling. Although I don't really think it restored our relationship or fixed anything, it did explain a lot about why I haven't seen her at my house anymore.
Today I finally told Danika how I've been feeling. Although I don't really think it restored our relationship or fixed anything, it did explain a lot about why I haven't seen her at my house anymore.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Today we got back from the hospital. I just took my first shower in a week. I feel very good tonight. Since we got home I've been feeling a lot happier and awake. So it's good. So I'm thankful. And am in love with God.
Lynne came over and that was nice. I guess she lost her keys, so we prayed for them, and I know they will turn up.
good night.
Lynne came over and that was nice. I guess she lost her keys, so we prayed for them, and I know they will turn up.
good night.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007 11:29pm
My surgery is in the morning. We are supposed to be there at 5:30am.
I fell today. It was one of the scariest things that has happened to me. I was with Robin, KG, and Naomi in the movie theater. I fell flat, straight down on my crutches. Very embarrassing.
So the reason I did all that stuff before my first surgery wasn't because I was going to die, but because I was never going to be able to do them again.
I fell today. It was one of the scariest things that has happened to me. I was with Robin, KG, and Naomi in the movie theater. I fell flat, straight down on my crutches. Very embarrassing.
So the reason I did all that stuff before my first surgery wasn't because I was going to die, but because I was never going to be able to do them again.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
So we went to Dr. Menendez's office today. The bone is broken, the rod is cracked. He gave me two options. One, go in and replace the screw and the rod, but later on the same thing could happen again. They would put a wire around the break and cement it. Or two, take out the rod and screws and then cut out the broken bone and replace it with an artificial hip and femur. I would have a limp and would never be able to run or play soccer or any contact sports. I won't be able to wakeboard or anything like that. The surgery will be August 8.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Today I probably got the worst news I have gotten so far since learning about the cancer. We went and saw this hormone doctor to see why I haven't gotten my period in a long time and to see what med she could put me on to help. I'm like going through "pre-menopause." And then I asked if I would still be able to have kids someday and she was like, I don't know- your eggs are messed up and blah blah blah. I'm so depressed over everything!
Help me! Fix me!
Help me! Fix me!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I called both grandparents. Both grandpas had some really nice things to say. Big papa wants "The Wind Beneath My Wings" song played at his funeral. :( But that WONT be for a long time.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I have the shingles. It hurts so bad.
Friday, June 15, 2007
I graduate today. Shouldn't I be happier? It has been a crazy past couple of weeks. Donna died the following day. We went to her memorial on Saturday. I had dinner with my grandparents that night and had some interesting conversation with my grandpa.
We went to the beach yesterday. It was very fun, very relaxing. I'm really glad I went. It was stress free. A time to hang out before tonight. I have lots of stuff to do today so I gotta get going.
We went to the beach yesterday. It was very fun, very relaxing. I'm really glad I went. It was stress free. A time to hang out before tonight. I have lots of stuff to do today so I gotta get going.
June 3, 2007
Donna is dying. They gave her one day. This is BS! How do You just kill somebody as great as she? F***ing Cancer! I am so pissed off at You right now!! Where are You??????????????? She goes from being totally fine and cancer free one day to dying. Could that happen to me?
I couldn't even look at her. It was so freakin' depressing. It made me sick. I don't know how people manage to look at me everyday. I couldn't do it. I just hate everything right now. You better not let her die!
I couldn't even look at her. It was so freakin' depressing. It made me sick. I don't know how people manage to look at me everyday. I couldn't do it. I just hate everything right now. You better not let her die!
May 13, 2007
You know, there are lots of things that I don't remember, but for some reason I can picture almost everything from the day Michael died.
Driving down Huntington and pulling into the hospital parking lot with Sara as we ate our ice cream. My mom coming out to the car crying and taking Sara. Me asking questions about what was going on, but no one answering. Then, being in my old home with my gramma and then having my mom come home late that night. And then me asking what happened. Then my mom took me to my bedroom and sat with me on the bed and told me what happened...
Driving down Huntington and pulling into the hospital parking lot with Sara as we ate our ice cream. My mom coming out to the car crying and taking Sara. Me asking questions about what was going on, but no one answering. Then, being in my old home with my gramma and then having my mom come home late that night. And then me asking what happened. Then my mom took me to my bedroom and sat with me on the bed and told me what happened...
May 9, 2007
Sometimes it is still hard to believe that I have cancer. I just don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to be able to do the things I once loved. So many things I took for granted before. Just to be able to sit with my legs crossed again or run around and play. And just to sit down on the floor and bend. I just want to do all that!
April 25, 2007
You know what, I was sick today, but today was a good day.
I got to finally see some of my scans. So now I sorta know where my tumors are.
So the last time they compared the scans they said the one next to my spine improved, the one on my femur is all gone, and the rest are stable.
It is just crazy that nothing has happened to me over the years. Like when I hurt my tailbone on the drill team. And all the times Dr. Mike popped my ribs back in place. And something so much worse could have happened to me when I headed the ball [at winter practice]. I think if I didn't do that then I wouldn't have collapsed one vertebrae. I could have been paralyzed.
It's so hard to believe it has been a year.
I got to finally see some of my scans. So now I sorta know where my tumors are.
So the last time they compared the scans they said the one next to my spine improved, the one on my femur is all gone, and the rest are stable.
It is just crazy that nothing has happened to me over the years. Like when I hurt my tailbone on the drill team. And all the times Dr. Mike popped my ribs back in place. And something so much worse could have happened to me when I headed the ball [at winter practice]. I think if I didn't do that then I wouldn't have collapsed one vertebrae. I could have been paralyzed.
It's so hard to believe it has been a year.
April 19, 2007
I don't know what to do. I am so down and depressed. All the joy has been sucked out of my life. I don't remember the last time I was really happy.
April 15, 2007
I got my dress yesterday. It's baby blue and white. I feel like Cinderella in it. :]
April 9, 2007
My face is super chubby. I'm so fat and depressed.
March 14, 2007
I got my feeding tube out today. Finally! And we went to Dr. Brackmann's office. It hurt so bad getting that tube out.
February 22, 2007
I just got a major kick in the butt tonight. (I see You!) I've stopped trying. I fought and I fought, and I let go. I gave up. I have so many thoughts, but don't know what to say. What would Danika have done if I died? She's my person. And my brother? And my mom? She would blame herself for not listening to me sooner. My dad? What would he do? I think he would surprise us all.
I'm worried about problems that don't even matter. Why don't I get it?
Today Tori text me and asked me what my favorite worship song was. I didn't ask why, but I said, "I Will Overcome." Then I said, "Overwhelmed." At church tonight I realized I forgot one very important song. The one I sang over and over again in my bed. The one I cried myself to sleep with many nights. How could I forget? And when I heard the words, "I cry out--" everything just came rushing back to me all at once and I broke down! What is happening? What is my purpose? I feel like You are trying to tell me something and I just don't get it! Speak louder! I don't know! I'm so lost and confused! Help me understand! Please!
I'm worried about problems that don't even matter. Why don't I get it?
Today Tori text me and asked me what my favorite worship song was. I didn't ask why, but I said, "I Will Overcome." Then I said, "Overwhelmed." At church tonight I realized I forgot one very important song. The one I sang over and over again in my bed. The one I cried myself to sleep with many nights. How could I forget? And when I heard the words, "I cry out--" everything just came rushing back to me all at once and I broke down! What is happening? What is my purpose? I feel like You are trying to tell me something and I just don't get it! Speak louder! I don't know! I'm so lost and confused! Help me understand! Please!
February 17, 2007
Sometimes I just get so sick of all of this. Just for a second I feel like a normal kid again, and then, BAM, I wake up and reality sets in.
February 6, 2007
I got home from water therapy and showered and shaved. Amazing, I know. haha
My grampa just called and he has basically given up and doesn't want to push himself and keeps making excuses. HEY, he sounds like me. :\ Well, we're obviously related. But I was trying to push him on the phone, and I was sounding really upbeat and he didn't even care how good I sounded or anything. He just wanted to go..
My grampa just called and he has basically given up and doesn't want to push himself and keeps making excuses. HEY, he sounds like me. :\ Well, we're obviously related. But I was trying to push him on the phone, and I was sounding really upbeat and he didn't even care how good I sounded or anything. He just wanted to go..
January 31, 2007
I just took some pills today! I have to start practicing so I can get this feeding tube out. I can't wait. I'm excited.
January 28, 2007
I hung with Dani and Laney last night. They are so funny. We played Scene It:Movie Addition.
I walked around the mall without my wheelchair. I am so proud of myself. I go back to school in the morning. I'm kind of scared.
p.s. I love Danika. She is so great.
I walked around the mall without my wheelchair. I am so proud of myself. I go back to school in the morning. I'm kind of scared.
p.s. I love Danika. She is so great.
January 24, 2007
I just walked up the stairs and I totally feel my left leg getting stronger. I love You, Lord! Thank You.
January 17, 2007
I'm going to be the Grand Marshal for the Camellia Festival. Totally excited about that. :) Jr. High church tomorrow. Oh, and my dad is going to finalize the video of me in the hospital. Not so sure if I am ready to see it.
January 14, 2007
Danika had a little procedure on her arm Friday night. I just went and saw her. She is totally out of it. She is on vicodin. It was pretty funny. I had a really good conversation with Deanne. She always knows what to say to make me feel better.
January 9, 2007
I just took my chemo, so I will probably fall asleep very soon. It is going to be a crazy week. First off, a teacher at school, Ms. Reynolds, was murdered last week so there is a lot going on there. And the dance concert is supposed to be this Friday. And then Jason and Christine are getting married Saturday. And I have all this physical therapy on top of that. Thursday I am going to head over to the Civic and watch them rehearse.
January 5, 2007
I start my new water therapy in a couple hours. I'm pretty nervous and don't really want to do it. After my dad is going to take me to see my grampa. Then me and Danika are probably going to hang out tonight.
(Later)
Therapy was okay. I thought the guy would have gotten in the water with me, but he didn't. And then I went in the whirl pool with a bunch of naked women. It was pretty sick.
I just got back from Danika's house. It was a really fun kickback night. I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time. I just took my chemo so I'm gonna call Jon and go to sleep. Nails tomorrow.
(Later)
Therapy was okay. I thought the guy would have gotten in the water with me, but he didn't. And then I went in the whirl pool with a bunch of naked women. It was pretty sick.
I just got back from Danika's house. It was a really fun kickback night. I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time. I just took my chemo so I'm gonna call Jon and go to sleep. Nails tomorrow.
January 4, 2007
It has been about 8 1/2 months since my first surgery. I don't know why it took me this long to finally write it out. I think I have really just been waiting for someone to talk to, but honesty, there really isn't anyone to talk to. It's not that I am growing away from God, I know He is here and I still believe in Him, I just don't have that much faith anymore. I am not as on fire as I used to be. I think that should be understood though. I'm mad and confused and stressed and I really don't know what to do. It is very depressing not being able to do the things I once loved doing. I would love to be able to dance again and be flexible and perform. There is no greater feeling than being on stage and performing in front of tons of people. I would love to be able to play soccer again. I would give so much just to be walking normal again and able to stand up longer than a half hour. I just want to hop in the car and go. There are so many things to worry about right now. And the pain is torture. I have pain 24/7. That is not normal. I want to get up and run down the stairs. I want to work out. But I can't even do that till my legs work again. I don't even know if they ever will. I keep having dreams at night that I can walk again. I'll be in my dream and I'll wake up and slowly start walking and sometimes running. But then I wake up to real life and I can't do that! It is so upsetting. There is a part of me that wants to go out and do so many things, but then there is also a part of me that just wants to sit around and do absolutely nothing. And now I am gaining weight and looking disgusting. I can't even work out because of my back and everything else. Everything just sucks. Right now I have one friend. What happens when she goes off the college? I will have no one. She has been the greatest friend there is through all of this and I really haven't told her that. I keep meaning to write her a letter, but I never do.
We found out last week that the tumors shrunk some. Not much, but it is really nice to know there could be an end to all this. Hopefully I will read this one day when it's all over and be very grateful.
Ricky just got married last week. And we got to see Gary, which was awesome. Christmas was pretty good. I got lots of stuff. The Voyager class got me a laptop. Got lots of clothes, CD's, DVD's, games, cards. I got a new cell phone. My other just broke. And now I am just babbling. Hopefully I will keep this journal going.
My Grampa keeps going back to the hospital and keeps getting worse. I want him to get better so bad!
We found out last week that the tumors shrunk some. Not much, but it is really nice to know there could be an end to all this. Hopefully I will read this one day when it's all over and be very grateful.
Ricky just got married last week. And we got to see Gary, which was awesome. Christmas was pretty good. I got lots of stuff. The Voyager class got me a laptop. Got lots of clothes, CD's, DVD's, games, cards. I got a new cell phone. My other just broke. And now I am just babbling. Hopefully I will keep this journal going.
My Grampa keeps going back to the hospital and keeps getting worse. I want him to get better so bad!