Thursday, December 30, 2010
11:25am
Tonight is Tori's birthday dinner. I got her some "pretty cool" stuff. 5 o clock somewhere shot glass. mini wine glass with t's on it. stationary. stamps. picture frame of us. and a "T" necklace from Tiffany's.
Tomorrow morning at 8:15 Anthony and his cousins will be picking Tori and me up for the parade. So nervous to meet his family!! Hope we're warm enough. 3 days till Hawaii! Just called to confirm everything. Nervous.
Tonight is Tori's birthday dinner. I got her some "pretty cool" stuff. 5 o clock somewhere shot glass. mini wine glass with t's on it. stationary. stamps. picture frame of us. and a "T" necklace from Tiffany's.
Tomorrow morning at 8:15 Anthony and his cousins will be picking Tori and me up for the parade. So nervous to meet his family!! Hope we're warm enough. 3 days till Hawaii! Just called to confirm everything. Nervous.
Friday, December 24, 2010
10:53pm
On Monday:
He read one of my emails to Hannah! I can't believe he would invade my privacy like that! And Hannah's!
I'm sort of over it now, but it took me a couple of days.
We took Hannah to the xmas lights last night with Tori, Ricky, Jack, Jaycob, and Anthony. It was fun. Hannah looked bored. Or tired. haha.
Anthony snuck his gift under the tree yesterday afternoon. It's a box the size of a small shoebox, and there is something glass wrapped in tissue paper sliding around. We all think it's an engraved wine glass. He's make a huge deal about not opening it till Christmas. So I guess I have to wait till I wake up. Don't know why I have to wait. And I don't like that he doesn't want to be here when I open it.
Hosted Xmas Eve tonight. Was stressful. Then I started eating some pie, choked, threw up everything in the garage trash can. Then I ran upstairs and threw up again. It was so scary. I couldn't breathe for a long time. I started to panic.
Missing my Big Papa. :(
On Monday:
He read one of my emails to Hannah! I can't believe he would invade my privacy like that! And Hannah's!
I'm sort of over it now, but it took me a couple of days.
We took Hannah to the xmas lights last night with Tori, Ricky, Jack, Jaycob, and Anthony. It was fun. Hannah looked bored. Or tired. haha.
Anthony snuck his gift under the tree yesterday afternoon. It's a box the size of a small shoebox, and there is something glass wrapped in tissue paper sliding around. We all think it's an engraved wine glass. He's make a huge deal about not opening it till Christmas. So I guess I have to wait till I wake up. Don't know why I have to wait. And I don't like that he doesn't want to be here when I open it.
Hosted Xmas Eve tonight. Was stressful. Then I started eating some pie, choked, threw up everything in the garage trash can. Then I ran upstairs and threw up again. It was so scary. I couldn't breathe for a long time. I started to panic.
Missing my Big Papa. :(
Monday, December 20, 2010
8:12pm
I really need to start writing in this more often. So much to write about.
Friday after a huge fight (because I started it...medicine) he basically said he loved me without actually saying it. He said he had a plan and stuff to say and blah blah blah... I don't see why guys make this such a big deal and why there has to be a perfect time to do it. I think when it's spur of the moment it means more. When it's planned it usually fails miserably.
Saturday was the first day of the Garey tournament. It was raining. We were all huddled under a bunch of EZups. Tied 2-2 and lost 4-0 or 4-1.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon/night with Anthony. We acted like little lovebirds and talked about the past year, when he first started liking me. Talked about being in class together. He noticed me from the beginning. I never knew he was there. Not really till this year.
I really need to start writing in this more often. So much to write about.
Friday after a huge fight (because I started it...medicine) he basically said he loved me without actually saying it. He said he had a plan and stuff to say and blah blah blah... I don't see why guys make this such a big deal and why there has to be a perfect time to do it. I think when it's spur of the moment it means more. When it's planned it usually fails miserably.
Saturday was the first day of the Garey tournament. It was raining. We were all huddled under a bunch of EZups. Tied 2-2 and lost 4-0 or 4-1.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon/night with Anthony. We acted like little lovebirds and talked about the past year, when he first started liking me. Talked about being in class together. He noticed me from the beginning. I never knew he was there. Not really till this year.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
9:07pm
Told Anthony I love him. Don't think I'll be hearing it back.. Shouldn't have even said anything. (Stupid Vicodin!)
Had my procedure this morning. Epidural. He took me. I completely panicked before. Cried. Then cried in recovery after with him next to me. The whole thing didn't hurt as bad as I thought, but I freaked out so much before that I made myself think it did. I only have God to thank for making it barely hurt. That was all Him. It was sore after.
Anthony and I saw xmas lights in Alta Loma yesterday. A lot of fun.
Told Anthony I love him. Don't think I'll be hearing it back.. Shouldn't have even said anything. (Stupid Vicodin!)
Had my procedure this morning. Epidural. He took me. I completely panicked before. Cried. Then cried in recovery after with him next to me. The whole thing didn't hurt as bad as I thought, but I freaked out so much before that I made myself think it did. I only have God to thank for making it barely hurt. That was all Him. It was sore after.
Anthony and I saw xmas lights in Alta Loma yesterday. A lot of fun.
Monday, December 13, 2010
8:51pm
Started xmas shopping today. Went to buy cards. Looking through the cards that just say "Grandma" and not "Grandma and Grandpa"... just makes me cry.
There's not a day that goes by that he isn't on my mind and I just stop and cry. I still can't believe it. And I don't want to have Christmas without him...
Started xmas shopping today. Went to buy cards. Looking through the cards that just say "Grandma" and not "Grandma and Grandpa"... just makes me cry.
There's not a day that goes by that he isn't on my mind and I just stop and cry. I still can't believe it. And I don't want to have Christmas without him...
Friday, December 10, 2010
9:05pm
Practically killed myself doing stuff around the house today. Put the garland around the door, redid the xmas lights that Anthony made ugly (hahaha), cleaned the entire downstairs, including cupboards and fridge, and backyard. In a lot of pain now. Having a procedure on Wednesday. Epidural. Freaking out.
Today is 2 months. Can't believe it.
Practically killed myself doing stuff around the house today. Put the garland around the door, redid the xmas lights that Anthony made ugly (hahaha), cleaned the entire downstairs, including cupboards and fridge, and backyard. In a lot of pain now. Having a procedure on Wednesday. Epidural. Freaking out.
Today is 2 months. Can't believe it.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
8:54pm
Going to Hawaii with Anthony January 3. That was a mess with the parents. I know we've only been together for 2 months, it does seem weird doing something like this this soon, but I really wanted to go and would've gone regardless if it was with him or a friend.
He got in an accident Friday when he was driving us back to my place. On the 210 right before the 605. Barely tapped the lady in front of us and I guess they're asking for a lot of money. I feel so bad.
Going to Hawaii with Anthony January 3. That was a mess with the parents. I know we've only been together for 2 months, it does seem weird doing something like this this soon, but I really wanted to go and would've gone regardless if it was with him or a friend.
He got in an accident Friday when he was driving us back to my place. On the 210 right before the 605. Barely tapped the lady in front of us and I guess they're asking for a lot of money. I feel so bad.
Monday, November 22, 2010
1:20pm
What an emotional weekend and day today. Writing out my testimony this weekend was extremely hard. Reliving those moments brought tears to eyes, only allowing Angie to see me that way. But when I talked in front of the girls I wouldn't allow myself to connect to my story and sound real. In church last night I broke down. And this morning I couldn't even get out of bed to go to school. Anthony got mad because I didn't text him to say I wasn't going. Then when I told him what was wrong he got mad because I won't talk to him about that side of me. I just don't want him or anyone to see me that way. It's depressing and embarrassing. I feel like I'm always so dramatic about it. I just can't do it.
Hannah is having emergency surgery on Wednesday.
What an emotional weekend and day today. Writing out my testimony this weekend was extremely hard. Reliving those moments brought tears to eyes, only allowing Angie to see me that way. But when I talked in front of the girls I wouldn't allow myself to connect to my story and sound real. In church last night I broke down. And this morning I couldn't even get out of bed to go to school. Anthony got mad because I didn't text him to say I wasn't going. Then when I told him what was wrong he got mad because I won't talk to him about that side of me. I just don't want him or anyone to see me that way. It's depressing and embarrassing. I feel like I'm always so dramatic about it. I just can't do it.
Hannah is having emergency surgery on Wednesday.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
10:30pm
We're chatting online and he asks me how I'm feeling. Like really how I'm feeling. First, I'm shocked that he actually wants to know. I say I'm fine, but he asks again. I actually got teary-eyed. He breaks me down, which I think can be good for me.
We're chatting online and he asks me how I'm feeling. Like really how I'm feeling. First, I'm shocked that he actually wants to know. I say I'm fine, but he asks again. I actually got teary-eyed. He breaks me down, which I think can be good for me.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
9:00am
So we went to the movies at AMC Santa Anita last night, and of course, on the way out I fell. Hard! On my right knee and twisted the heck outta my ankle. I definitely tore something. Anthony saw the whole thing and laughed, but then helped me up. Definitely my worst/most embarrassing fall. And I've fallen a lot.
Tonight we're going to the Galaxy game.
So we went to the movies at AMC Santa Anita last night, and of course, on the way out I fell. Hard! On my right knee and twisted the heck outta my ankle. I definitely tore something. Anthony saw the whole thing and laughed, but then helped me up. Definitely my worst/most embarrassing fall. And I've fallen a lot.
Tonight we're going to the Galaxy game.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
This is such a big month for me. I feel my life going places in a way I haven't been able to feel or see before. My writing class is taking off, and the more I write and the more feedback I get back encouraging me to dig deeper and really open up about the pain of what I have been through, I really see myself writing a book in the near future. Their comments have been so helpful and encouraging. I'm the baby of the class and they're all looking out for me.
In 2 weeks I will be giving my testimony at a girls retreat for Jo's church. It's short notice but I know I'm being called to do it.
In 2 weeks I will be giving my testimony at a girls retreat for Jo's church. It's short notice but I know I'm being called to do it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Feeling like the girl who cried wolf. Went and saw Femino today expecting to get some answers as to why I've been in so much pain. But of course, my xrays look great and there is nothing he can do for me. So next I see a spine specialist, Dec 3. So frustrated that no one can tell me what's wrong.
Went to the building next door and spent a few hours talking to Hannah. First time no one but her dad was there. We got to talk about things that we usually talk about online or through texting. I actually teared up today, but tried not to show it. So many memories were triggered. How she had to get out of bed.. she sounded just like me. The noises she made while her dad helped her out of bed. Complaining about her back sweating from laying in the same position. But we had some good laughs today too.
Went to the building next door and spent a few hours talking to Hannah. First time no one but her dad was there. We got to talk about things that we usually talk about online or through texting. I actually teared up today, but tried not to show it. So many memories were triggered. How she had to get out of bed.. she sounded just like me. The noises she made while her dad helped her out of bed. Complaining about her back sweating from laying in the same position. But we had some good laughs today too.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
4:57pm
I had stuff planned for Friday and an hour before he was supposed to meet me he just cancels out of the blue and doesn't even tell me why. Friday was a really bad day.
I had stuff planned for Friday and an hour before he was supposed to meet me he just cancels out of the blue and doesn't even tell me why. Friday was a really bad day.
Monday, October 25, 2010
1:38pm
Great talks with Angie on the way to and from Vegas. We talked the entire time, BOTH WAYS! Well, mostly I talked. I think I want to start up a cancer group. I'd have to lead it, but I think it would be great.
Tori and Angie ragged on Anthony most of the weekend. I seriously thought about dumping him when I got home, but we hung out last night and realized they were being dumb. He went with me to Pasadena to pick up stuff for the house/kitchen. It's crazy how comfortable I am with him. I love when we're kissing and something funny happens. We just start laughing. lol. Yesterday my dad called trying to set me up with someone. Lol. That's so sad. Anthony's like, "Uhh.. I think you need to start telling some people about us." haaha
Great talks with Angie on the way to and from Vegas. We talked the entire time, BOTH WAYS! Well, mostly I talked. I think I want to start up a cancer group. I'd have to lead it, but I think it would be great.
Tori and Angie ragged on Anthony most of the weekend. I seriously thought about dumping him when I got home, but we hung out last night and realized they were being dumb. He went with me to Pasadena to pick up stuff for the house/kitchen. It's crazy how comfortable I am with him. I love when we're kissing and something funny happens. We just start laughing. lol. Yesterday my dad called trying to set me up with someone. Lol. That's so sad. Anthony's like, "Uhh.. I think you need to start telling some people about us." haaha
Saturday, October 23, 2010
10:30-11:00ish
Last night was AMAZING! They surprised me by taking me to see Blue Man Group. We were in row B, and had to wear ponchos. It was so good. After we walked to Harrah's to have a drink at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill. Gail and Mike told me to get a Toad Suck Pond. It was actually pretty good. Tori got a margarita. Angie a beer. I finished my drink so fast. It was so funny. Then Angie was forcing her large beer onto Tori and me. So we drank that too. Very fun night. But during the day we walked a good portion of the strip. Probably around 5 miles all together. I was so dead and exhausted and in pain. I'm definitely feeling it now. Went to Hard Rock for lunch and the waiter embarrassed the heck outta me. I had to stand up and he yelled to the entire restaurant that I turned 21. Then everyone yelled "GO GET DRUNK!" My face was so red. It was funny though. Today I think we're going back to the strip again. I may never walk again after today. haha
I miss Anthony.
Last night was AMAZING! They surprised me by taking me to see Blue Man Group. We were in row B, and had to wear ponchos. It was so good. After we walked to Harrah's to have a drink at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill. Gail and Mike told me to get a Toad Suck Pond. It was actually pretty good. Tori got a margarita. Angie a beer. I finished my drink so fast. It was so funny. Then Angie was forcing her large beer onto Tori and me. So we drank that too. Very fun night. But during the day we walked a good portion of the strip. Probably around 5 miles all together. I was so dead and exhausted and in pain. I'm definitely feeling it now. Went to Hard Rock for lunch and the waiter embarrassed the heck outta me. I had to stand up and he yelled to the entire restaurant that I turned 21. Then everyone yelled "GO GET DRUNK!" My face was so red. It was funny though. Today I think we're going back to the strip again. I may never walk again after today. haha
I miss Anthony.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
6:10am
Going to Vegas with Angie today.
Going to Vegas with Angie today.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
3:17pm
Even when life is going well, I always have to find something that's wrong. Why can't I just let myself be happy? I never feel like I deserve to.
Even when life is going well, I always have to find something that's wrong. Why can't I just let myself be happy? I never feel like I deserve to.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
10-10-10
2:17am
Tonight Anthony took me to the beach. We walked for a little and then just sat down and talked. We didn't stay long because it was cold. When we got back to my house I asked him to come in. We watched The Hangover, a little of SNL, and a little of 500 Days of Summer. We finally kissed. But I had to do it.
At the beach he asked me why I chose him. I knew he was going to ask me something that like eventually. I don't know what it is. I never expected to feel this way for him. He cares for me in a way that I think nobody ever has. It's still early, but I know he likes me a lot. And the crazy thing is, I think I do too.
I forgot to mention that at my house I was lying on the couch with my head on his leg and I asked him the same question he asked me. He said back when the Deaf Expo was going on in Pomona (April) he heard I was going to be there and was so excited to see me, but then I showed up with Scott and he was really sad. And then as time went on he liked me more and more.
But that still didn't really answer the question. lol. I asked him why he never said anything before, and he said he's just slow, but that it all worked out in the end. ;)
2:17am
Tonight Anthony took me to the beach. We walked for a little and then just sat down and talked. We didn't stay long because it was cold. When we got back to my house I asked him to come in. We watched The Hangover, a little of SNL, and a little of 500 Days of Summer. We finally kissed. But I had to do it.
At the beach he asked me why I chose him. I knew he was going to ask me something that like eventually. I don't know what it is. I never expected to feel this way for him. He cares for me in a way that I think nobody ever has. It's still early, but I know he likes me a lot. And the crazy thing is, I think I do too.
I forgot to mention that at my house I was lying on the couch with my head on his leg and I asked him the same question he asked me. He said back when the Deaf Expo was going on in Pomona (April) he heard I was going to be there and was so excited to see me, but then I showed up with Scott and he was really sad. And then as time went on he liked me more and more.
But that still didn't really answer the question. lol. I asked him why he never said anything before, and he said he's just slow, but that it all worked out in the end. ;)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
8:42pm
Happy Birthday Big Papa. I miss you so much. I can't stand it.
Gramma had her surgery this morning. Knee replacement. WHen I walked in her eyes were wet. I just wanted to cry. As I was leaving she said, "Love you..." And when I got to the end of the curtain she said, "Punkin." I turned around and she was smiling. I love her!
In so much pain tonight! Yesterday during my workout with Chris I don't know if he was pushing me too hard or if my body was just saying no because my body just shut down. My disc was killing me. We had to end early. I was almost crying, but tried so hard not to have anyone see me that way.
Right before class tonight I fell down the last 3 stairs, landing on my tailbone. It hurts so bad right now. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. It hurts to cough. I'm dying right now! Ugh!!
Happy Birthday Big Papa. I miss you so much. I can't stand it.
Gramma had her surgery this morning. Knee replacement. WHen I walked in her eyes were wet. I just wanted to cry. As I was leaving she said, "Love you..." And when I got to the end of the curtain she said, "Punkin." I turned around and she was smiling. I love her!
In so much pain tonight! Yesterday during my workout with Chris I don't know if he was pushing me too hard or if my body was just saying no because my body just shut down. My disc was killing me. We had to end early. I was almost crying, but tried so hard not to have anyone see me that way.
Right before class tonight I fell down the last 3 stairs, landing on my tailbone. It hurts so bad right now. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. It hurts to cough. I'm dying right now! Ugh!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
2:23am
He told me he was crazy about me tonight.
I thought, I could end up loving him.
I'm in trouble....
He told me he was crazy about me tonight.
I thought, I could end up loving him.
I'm in trouble....
Saturday, September 25, 2010
1:46am
I started talking to Anthony around 5 or 6 and just got done. 8 Hours?! That's insane! We did the same thing Wednesday night. We talked till 3:30am. I don't know what is happening... I can't like him. He's so not my type. We both practically admitted that we liked each other tonight. Learned a lot about each other: past relationships, family, friends, what we like, don't like, favorite smell (that was my question. haha). He learned about my cancer. I trust him... I don't know why.
Wednesday I got all ready before class. Put on nice clothes. Make up. Was supposed to go to CA for the first night of college group. I got in the parking lot to learn that my gramma was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. My dad is in Shaver Lake. So I had to rush out there. I got there first. Connie found her on the bathroom floor all soiled. They think it was a reaction to her new medication she started on Tuesday. So I waited around till Velma and Irv got there. Then Wayne. She got to go home around 11. That's about the same time I got home. Then started talking to Anthony.
I'm gonna be exhausted tomorrow. I feel like it was worth it though...
I started talking to Anthony around 5 or 6 and just got done. 8 Hours?! That's insane! We did the same thing Wednesday night. We talked till 3:30am. I don't know what is happening... I can't like him. He's so not my type. We both practically admitted that we liked each other tonight. Learned a lot about each other: past relationships, family, friends, what we like, don't like, favorite smell (that was my question. haha). He learned about my cancer. I trust him... I don't know why.
Wednesday I got all ready before class. Put on nice clothes. Make up. Was supposed to go to CA for the first night of college group. I got in the parking lot to learn that my gramma was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. My dad is in Shaver Lake. So I had to rush out there. I got there first. Connie found her on the bathroom floor all soiled. They think it was a reaction to her new medication she started on Tuesday. So I waited around till Velma and Irv got there. Then Wayne. She got to go home around 11. That's about the same time I got home. Then started talking to Anthony.
I'm gonna be exhausted tomorrow. I feel like it was worth it though...
Monday, September 20, 2010
2:22pm
I just signed up for a nonfiction writing class online at UCLA. Starts October 27-December 1. I'm so excited! This is just beginning.
I just signed up for a nonfiction writing class online at UCLA. Starts October 27-December 1. I'm so excited! This is just beginning.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
11:27pm
This morning I saw Dr. Hatch. He gave me a steroid shot in the knee that isn't helping at all! I'm in so much pain right now and all I'm doing is sitting in bed. I can't do this anymore. I can't live with pain for the rest of my life. It hurts and it can't be fixed. I'm so frustrated. Frustrated by the constant pain, and frustrated that I'll never be normal again. I have no one to talk to. Nobody understands this torturous pain. I don't even know what to do anymore.
To Angie: 11:55pm
As I sit here crying perched up in my bed I find myself scrolling through the contacts on my phone wondering who it is that I'm supposed to turn to in times like these. Reading the Z's I'm discouraged that there is not one person that would understand, not even you. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the constant pain that has not stopped in 5 years. Sharp pain that exists in my knee, even as I just sit here with my legs stretched out on the bed. I see doctors and they tell me there is nothing they can do or that nothing is wrong. But I wouldn't be feeling this way if everything was right! I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. And I don't know how long I'm going to be able to tolerate all the aches and pains that are cemented into my body. It's exhausting and I just feel like I can't do it anymore...
“When I read books now, the writer inside of me comes bursting out. While I am focused on the story, I start to notice all the tiny details; punctuation, similes, metaphors, foreshadowing, etc. Then I wonder if my book will ever sound as well as the ones I have read. Will it flow nicely? Will I be able to keep the reader’s attention? I have my doubts, and issues with self-confidence, but I guess we all do in some aspect of our lives. I am excited to tell my story, the full story, but… I fear the state of vulnerability that I will have to get in to really open up and be honest with everyone. I think I can do it though. And I know I have the support of my loved ones around me.” –Me (9/16/10)
This morning I saw Dr. Hatch. He gave me a steroid shot in the knee that isn't helping at all! I'm in so much pain right now and all I'm doing is sitting in bed. I can't do this anymore. I can't live with pain for the rest of my life. It hurts and it can't be fixed. I'm so frustrated. Frustrated by the constant pain, and frustrated that I'll never be normal again. I have no one to talk to. Nobody understands this torturous pain. I don't even know what to do anymore.
To Angie: 11:55pm
As I sit here crying perched up in my bed I find myself scrolling through the contacts on my phone wondering who it is that I'm supposed to turn to in times like these. Reading the Z's I'm discouraged that there is not one person that would understand, not even you. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the constant pain that has not stopped in 5 years. Sharp pain that exists in my knee, even as I just sit here with my legs stretched out on the bed. I see doctors and they tell me there is nothing they can do or that nothing is wrong. But I wouldn't be feeling this way if everything was right! I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. And I don't know how long I'm going to be able to tolerate all the aches and pains that are cemented into my body. It's exhausting and I just feel like I can't do it anymore...
“When I read books now, the writer inside of me comes bursting out. While I am focused on the story, I start to notice all the tiny details; punctuation, similes, metaphors, foreshadowing, etc. Then I wonder if my book will ever sound as well as the ones I have read. Will it flow nicely? Will I be able to keep the reader’s attention? I have my doubts, and issues with self-confidence, but I guess we all do in some aspect of our lives. I am excited to tell my story, the full story, but… I fear the state of vulnerability that I will have to get in to really open up and be honest with everyone. I think I can do it though. And I know I have the support of my loved ones around me.” –Me (9/16/10)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Why can't they see that I am just like everyone else? As people get to know me and learn more about my story, I can see intimidation set in. They say it's unfair what happened to me, but that I have handled the tragedies with grace and maturity. Then on cue, a wall appears, and most of the time I can read their expressions: They want what's best for me, but don't think that they are it. They feel I'm at a different level than them. They're afraid of the unknown future I face on a daily basis. Or they just flat out don’t want to deal with it.
Who will finally accept me for who I am and what I have gone through? And while I may not live up to your expectations, none of you have lived up to mine.
Gramma Evelyn died on Saturday. Having dinner with Lynne and my mom tonight.
Who will finally accept me for who I am and what I have gone through? And while I may not live up to your expectations, none of you have lived up to mine.
Gramma Evelyn died on Saturday. Having dinner with Lynne and my mom tonight.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
11:04pm
I'm 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great day in Temecula wine tasting. Took a limo out there. Went to 3 wineries. Had a picnic at the second one, Wilson Creek. I won $1604 at the Pechanga on a Wizard of Oz slot machine. So awesome! A crowd formed around me. People kept congratulating me as they walked by. Then the 3 workers came over with my winnings and counted it into my hand. :)
We went to dinner in Old Town Temecula, then back to the casino again. Then home.
Slept on Anthony's shoulder on the way home. Well, I wasn't really sleeping. And told him about the dream I had. No offense, but I'm totally out of his league. He's fun to tease and mess with, but I don't think anything more can happen.
Class with them at 8:00am tomorrow. Ugh.....
Finally 21... There was a time when I thought I'd never make it to this day.
I'm 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great day in Temecula wine tasting. Took a limo out there. Went to 3 wineries. Had a picnic at the second one, Wilson Creek. I won $1604 at the Pechanga on a Wizard of Oz slot machine. So awesome! A crowd formed around me. People kept congratulating me as they walked by. Then the 3 workers came over with my winnings and counted it into my hand. :)
We went to dinner in Old Town Temecula, then back to the casino again. Then home.
Slept on Anthony's shoulder on the way home. Well, I wasn't really sleeping. And told him about the dream I had. No offense, but I'm totally out of his league. He's fun to tease and mess with, but I don't think anything more can happen.
Class with them at 8:00am tomorrow. Ugh.....
Finally 21... There was a time when I thought I'd never make it to this day.
Friday, September 10, 2010
11:51pm
Such an exhausting day. This morning at 8:00 I had an MRI of my knee done. It only took 25 minutes. So not what I'm used to. After that I had PT. After that I went to the mall to find an outfit for Sunday. Didn't find one. Went tot he bank. Home for a little to relax. Grocery store to get stuff for Sunday and for dinner for tomorrow. Cooking for the family. 8 people!
Then--
I went over to Hannah's tonight to watch Stand Up To Cancer. Neil cooked dinner. So good. They got me a cake with my name on it. A card that they all wrote a sweet note in. And a bracelet from Tiffany's engraved with "Angel." I don't think I have ever been given something more precious. That she thinks of me that way is so touching. I felt like I was part of their family tonight, even with 3 of her friends there and Kayce's boyfriend. I haven't felt this way with someone else's family since the Sciarrotta's. Loved every minute I was over there.
Then came home and cleaned all downstairs... Exhausted! So much to do tomorrow.
Such an exhausting day. This morning at 8:00 I had an MRI of my knee done. It only took 25 minutes. So not what I'm used to. After that I had PT. After that I went to the mall to find an outfit for Sunday. Didn't find one. Went tot he bank. Home for a little to relax. Grocery store to get stuff for Sunday and for dinner for tomorrow. Cooking for the family. 8 people!
Then--
I went over to Hannah's tonight to watch Stand Up To Cancer. Neil cooked dinner. So good. They got me a cake with my name on it. A card that they all wrote a sweet note in. And a bracelet from Tiffany's engraved with "Angel." I don't think I have ever been given something more precious. That she thinks of me that way is so touching. I felt like I was part of their family tonight, even with 3 of her friends there and Kayce's boyfriend. I haven't felt this way with someone else's family since the Sciarrotta's. Loved every minute I was over there.
Then came home and cleaned all downstairs... Exhausted! So much to do tomorrow.
A note between a local pastor and myself: August 30, 2010
Thanks ---. I am doing much better now. It's been 4 1/2 years since I was diagnosed and I'll be turning 21 in just a couple of weeks. I was misdiagnosed back in 2005 and after finding out that I had a brain tumor I was sent into surgery in April 2006, my very first surgery, to remove a "benign" brain tumor behind my right ear. After doing a body scan when the surgery was finished they found over 30 other tumors throughout my body; spine, ribs, and femurs. I was immediately sent in to multiple surgeries and experimental treatments. I'm the only person in the world to have my cancer right now. There have only been 11 others to ever have it. I went from being an intelligent, sporty teenager to a human vegetable. Since my brain surgery, all together I have had 13 different surgeries/procedures. When you go through so much suffering and you have no idea what the next day is going to bring, no matter how much you try and fight it, depression takes over and wins. I used to be a very angry person during the first 1.5-2 years of my diagnosis. I remember telling my best friend one day while I was in the hospital that I wished they would stop trying to save me and let me die. I think I traumatized her after that, eventually losing her friendship because watching me go through so much made her question everything about her faith, among other reasons as well. I brought her to church when we were just kids, I helped her along the way to accept Christ into her heart, and then she had to watch me suffer and didn't quite understand how God could let something like this happen to somebody like me... I never knew how to respond to her when she would ask me that because even today I sometimes wonder the same thing.
I definitely am so much better than I was 4 years ago. My cancer is stable, I'm going to school, living on my own with roommates... But the pain of what I have gone through still lingers on. Some days it's so hard just to get out of bed. But I do it anyways... because I know that there is a purpose for everything that I have gone through. I know there are people out there waiting to hear my story. I know that God has something huge in store for my life; I can feel it every day. And although I am excited to see His actual plans for my life, it terrifies me as well. Will I be able to live up to what He has asked of me? I hope so...
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to just a tiny portion of my story. And it was so great to be able to hear your testimony last week. I am doing a lot better, thanks again for asking. I plan on writing a book in the next year about my life. It's something that has been on my heart for quite some time, but never really felt ready until recently. I feel like it's my chance to share my story with the world and hopefully help other teens and young adults going through cancer. I've been there; I know what it's like to go through surgeries, treatments, the unknown of tomorrow, and watching friends run for the hills leaving you all alone. And hopefully this will show them that in fact, they really aren't alone at all.
God Bless,
Michelle
I definitely am so much better than I was 4 years ago. My cancer is stable, I'm going to school, living on my own with roommates... But the pain of what I have gone through still lingers on. Some days it's so hard just to get out of bed. But I do it anyways... because I know that there is a purpose for everything that I have gone through. I know there are people out there waiting to hear my story. I know that God has something huge in store for my life; I can feel it every day. And although I am excited to see His actual plans for my life, it terrifies me as well. Will I be able to live up to what He has asked of me? I hope so...
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to just a tiny portion of my story. And it was so great to be able to hear your testimony last week. I am doing a lot better, thanks again for asking. I plan on writing a book in the next year about my life. It's something that has been on my heart for quite some time, but never really felt ready until recently. I feel like it's my chance to share my story with the world and hopefully help other teens and young adults going through cancer. I've been there; I know what it's like to go through surgeries, treatments, the unknown of tomorrow, and watching friends run for the hills leaving you all alone. And hopefully this will show them that in fact, they really aren't alone at all.
God Bless,
Michelle
Sunday, August, 29, 2010
Sometimes when I'm in my car parked in the garage I just sit there and cry. I don't mean just a few tears, but really cry. Huffing and puffing, can't breathe type of cry. Then when I finally get myself together, I wipe off my cheeks and go inside... I look back and see that those have been some of my biggest moments/hardest moments. Balling my eyes out in front of my dad's house, banging the wheel at the anger and sadness of not having Danika in my life. Listening to "I Would Die For That" on my ipod and crying out as I turned on the freeway from Myrtle in the rain. Screaming, yelling, shaking the wheel as I drove back from Northridge after getting the phone call that the shots weren't working. Driving down Sunflower and sitting in the garage listening to "Why" not understanding why my grampa and donna were taken away. Not understanding why I go through the things I do. (That one was today)
Wednesday, August, 25, 2010
Yesterday I worked out with Chris and we learned a little bit more about each other. 13 years ago he was hit by a car and lost all his mobility, reflexes, short term memory. He didn't know how to walk. Had to relearn how to eat. Was told that he wouldn't be the person he was before the accident, but five to 6 years later he regained EVERYTHING. He really has high hopes for me and really believes that I'll get everything back as well. Hopefully I'll be as strong as him one day.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
7:18pm
I'm feeling rather emotional tonight. We got back from Havasu around 2:45. I'm very sad to have left. And I really do think about just packing up and moving there. I miss it already.
All alone in the house tonight and loneliness is taking over. As I think about all the people that Hannah has supporting her and how I've been placed in her life to help her through it all, and that she has a supportive boyfriend standing by her side, I don't know why, but I feel sad. Sad about how little friends I have now. Friends that couldn't/can't handle all the things I've been through. It's hard that I don't have a big support group. I don't even have a small support group. And what makes me even sadder is that I haven't found a guy that will stand by me no matter what.
I'm feeling rather emotional tonight. We got back from Havasu around 2:45. I'm very sad to have left. And I really do think about just packing up and moving there. I miss it already.
All alone in the house tonight and loneliness is taking over. As I think about all the people that Hannah has supporting her and how I've been placed in her life to help her through it all, and that she has a supportive boyfriend standing by her side, I don't know why, but I feel sad. Sad about how little friends I have now. Friends that couldn't/can't handle all the things I've been through. It's hard that I don't have a big support group. I don't even have a small support group. And what makes me even sadder is that I haven't found a guy that will stand by me no matter what.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Havasu
10:15pm
I'm surrounded by the subject of babies everywhere I go. Disneyland on Wednesday was all baby talk since Angie's sister just had her baby. This weekend I've been around Amber's 9 mo. old since we're in Havasu and he's in love with me. Gosh, it's just so incredibly hard.
Lord, I don't know how You do it. You give me these comforting words to say to Hannah and I can't believe it's me that is saying them. You make me so happy. I'm so grateful. You're using me in ways I've only dreamed about. Hannah had a rough day yesterday. She sent me this text:
"I know you're on vacation and I'm not trying to ruin it, but today I had the moment when I looked in the mirror and had to really stare to realize it was me looking back at myself. It hurt so bad to see myself look so tired and weak. I can't get it out of my head."
Tonight we talked some more. Here's what she responded to my texts:
"It was definitely one of those moments where you were who I needed. Because everyone is telling me I'm beautiful and just because I look weak doesn't mean I am. But they don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and feel that way."
We talked back and forth for a little while and I can't believe the responses I was giving. They were Your words, Lord, not mine.
Last night Donna and I talked for 3 hours about everything I have been through. And I just feel all of this getting bigger and bigger. My future is all Yours, God, and I am ready for the ride.
We had a great time out on the boat today and the more I'm here the more I want to stay and live out here.
10:15pm
I'm surrounded by the subject of babies everywhere I go. Disneyland on Wednesday was all baby talk since Angie's sister just had her baby. This weekend I've been around Amber's 9 mo. old since we're in Havasu and he's in love with me. Gosh, it's just so incredibly hard.
Lord, I don't know how You do it. You give me these comforting words to say to Hannah and I can't believe it's me that is saying them. You make me so happy. I'm so grateful. You're using me in ways I've only dreamed about. Hannah had a rough day yesterday. She sent me this text:
"I know you're on vacation and I'm not trying to ruin it, but today I had the moment when I looked in the mirror and had to really stare to realize it was me looking back at myself. It hurt so bad to see myself look so tired and weak. I can't get it out of my head."
Tonight we talked some more. Here's what she responded to my texts:
"It was definitely one of those moments where you were who I needed. Because everyone is telling me I'm beautiful and just because I look weak doesn't mean I am. But they don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and feel that way."
We talked back and forth for a little while and I can't believe the responses I was giving. They were Your words, Lord, not mine.
Last night Donna and I talked for 3 hours about everything I have been through. And I just feel all of this getting bigger and bigger. My future is all Yours, God, and I am ready for the ride.
We had a great time out on the boat today and the more I'm here the more I want to stay and live out here.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
11:00pm
As I look back on my old journal entries, I am taken back to the moments when I wrote them. The emotion and rawness of those moments flood back into my mind and I begin to weep. It's a feeling of accomplishment--I can see how far I have come and it amazes me. But the pain and loss still lingers on.
When I talk to people who have heard my story they look at me in awe. 'Wow, I expected you to look awful after all the things you have been through, but you're a beautiful young woman.' Or, 'I cannot believe how strong you are. You're such an inspiration.' These are some of the words I hear often. And in those moments it is absolutely crazy to me that my story has reached so many people, people in different countries and on opposite sides of the world, but I go along with what they say to me. It's like a light switch gets turned on and the strength comes bursting out of me. If only they really knew...
If only they really knew how weak I really am sitting alone in my room with a pen in my hand and a book full of tears lying across my lap over the distorted scar that runs down my thigh reminding me that I'll never be normal again... Deep breath.
But I can't let them see this broken side of me...
So I smile and nod, 'Thank yous' pour out of my mouth in routine, for this happens every week. And as they walk away, little by little, I begin to see what they see.
But still--they have no idea. Not a clue. Nobody does. So I continue to write..
As I look back on my old journal entries, I am taken back to the moments when I wrote them. The emotion and rawness of those moments flood back into my mind and I begin to weep. It's a feeling of accomplishment--I can see how far I have come and it amazes me. But the pain and loss still lingers on.
When I talk to people who have heard my story they look at me in awe. 'Wow, I expected you to look awful after all the things you have been through, but you're a beautiful young woman.' Or, 'I cannot believe how strong you are. You're such an inspiration.' These are some of the words I hear often. And in those moments it is absolutely crazy to me that my story has reached so many people, people in different countries and on opposite sides of the world, but I go along with what they say to me. It's like a light switch gets turned on and the strength comes bursting out of me. If only they really knew...
If only they really knew how weak I really am sitting alone in my room with a pen in my hand and a book full of tears lying across my lap over the distorted scar that runs down my thigh reminding me that I'll never be normal again... Deep breath.
But I can't let them see this broken side of me...
So I smile and nod, 'Thank yous' pour out of my mouth in routine, for this happens every week. And as they walk away, little by little, I begin to see what they see.
But still--they have no idea. Not a clue. Nobody does. So I continue to write..
Monday, August 9, 2010
Hannah just text me that she's mad at me cuz I supposedly jinxed her. She just had her first barf. Haha. She made me laugh.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Tonight I went to my dad's bbq. People kept coming up to me that I had never met before and told me how good I looked and how my dad has been keeping them updated on my life from the beginning. And each of them all said, 'Your dad just loves to brag about you. He talks about you so much.' Gosh I love him so much.
After I went to a deaf social in Pasadena. Jamie saw my back tattoo and said, "This should be the title of your book." Sounds good to me. Haha..
Then Ricky and I had a super long talk about everything. I shared some things with him that I've never told anyone, and he did the same. He's the only one that will let me ramble and not say anything or get annoyed. He says I should be a motivational speaker. Ah!! There's just so many things I could see myself doing. And I want to go them all. What do You have planned for my life? My future? I just want to know already!
After I went to a deaf social in Pasadena. Jamie saw my back tattoo and said, "This should be the title of your book." Sounds good to me. Haha..
Then Ricky and I had a super long talk about everything. I shared some things with him that I've never told anyone, and he did the same. He's the only one that will let me ramble and not say anything or get annoyed. He says I should be a motivational speaker. Ah!! There's just so many things I could see myself doing. And I want to go them all. What do You have planned for my life? My future? I just want to know already!
Monday, August 2, 2010
I've been having a tough time lately... accepting the changes life has thrown at me. Although I am not on treatment anymore, I live with the aftermath of chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries every day. Pain and lasting side effects are with me always. My memory is terrible, migraines make it hard to function, it's hard to concentrate, and the pain from my knee to my hip never stops--even when I am sitting still. And as I look at all the changes and loss I have had to face, I don't think I'll ever understand why something so precious was just taken away from me once again. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore... Why, O God, why? Have I not endured enough suffering? Have I not shown you that no matter how I am tested I will not turn away from You? Therefore I do not understand why You have taken another treasure away from me. I have waited too long, and now it is too late. My time is over and I now have to rearrange my entire future. This is something no one should have to face at my age, but that has been my life for five years, hasn't it? And although the news leaves me in sadness and disbelief at this moment, I know there are even more struggles to come of this as I grow older and want to start a family of my own. It seems so far away, but I feel the pain now. They will not have my eyes and smile. They will not have my abilities and habits. But if there is one thing that I must be grateful for, is that I will not pass my cancer on to them. Without my genes, a healthy life will be ahead of them. So now I wait...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
Friday, July 30, 2010
F*** MY LIFE!!!
Worst day ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had to be at USC Fertility at 8. The doctor could only see one egg.
After than I had to drop off the commode to Hannah and canopy to my dad. Then I got my tattoo. Then I had to drive all the effing way to Northridge in major traffic to pick up my meds for the rest of the week. Then I finally get there and they take forever giving me my meds. Then on my way to my hair appointment Teri calls and said they have all talked it over and want me to stop the meds because it is not working. So I just paid a fortune for them. Now I have to drive all the effing way out there again and return them. Then I miss my hair appointment and all I want is to get to my bed, but traffic was bumper to bumper!! Was so ready to just drive off the side of the road and crash into a wall!!!!
Worst day ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had to be at USC Fertility at 8. The doctor could only see one egg.
After than I had to drop off the commode to Hannah and canopy to my dad. Then I got my tattoo. Then I had to drive all the effing way to Northridge in major traffic to pick up my meds for the rest of the week. Then I finally get there and they take forever giving me my meds. Then on my way to my hair appointment Teri calls and said they have all talked it over and want me to stop the meds because it is not working. So I just paid a fortune for them. Now I have to drive all the effing way out there again and return them. Then I miss my hair appointment and all I want is to get to my bed, but traffic was bumper to bumper!! Was so ready to just drive off the side of the road and crash into a wall!!!!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Today is day 4 of the treatments. I went in this morning for blood work and ultrasound and Dr Chung said that my FSH was way better than the last time we did this. It was a 7 today vs last time which was a 17. But when she did the ultrasound she was have a hard time finding the eggs--especially on the one side. When she measured the few she did find she said they were really small. Smaller than last time. And that there could be a chance that my body is too old and wont respond to the drugs, in which case they can't freeze anymore eggs. I'll get a call from the office with my lab results later today and I'll be back in tomorrow. Better news then, I hope. It looks like I might have waited too long...
In October she said I had 5 years left!!! Then I find out it's less than a year. Now this!
In October she said I had 5 years left!!! Then I find out it's less than a year. Now this!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Hannah text me last night to say that her hair is starting to fall out and that she was crying and that she was feeling exactly the way I said she would.
When I gave her the hats and scarves she said she was going to embrace her baldness and not worry about covering up. But when she text me last night she said she was trying them on and trying different ways to tie them. That makes me happy. I love that girl. She's been staying so positive and optimistic. Glad she feels like she can break down and be real with me.
I made a huge list of quotes, lyrics, and some of my meaningful journal entries and posted them on facebook for people to read. I posted some yesterday and way more today. Here are some responses.
Pattie Fee Komai You are a remarkable young woman, Michelle. I am so grateful to have met you. ♥♥♥July 25, 2010 at 9:21pm
Jamie Nix You have no idea how much I admire you!! You are a beautiful young woman inside and out, and such a courageous hero.July 26, 2010 at 12:26pm
Hannah Komai: I love this. It's amazing how I've only known my cancer for a short amount of time, yet I've felt so much of what you've said already. It's so hard for me to grasp that I'll never be the girl I used to be. I'll never be able to do some of the things I love the most. You're such an inspiration for me. I tell you that every day but I truly mean it.
Tommy LaRochelle: Such powerful quote-love them. Michelle you have been an inspiration to me for such a long time and a constant member of my prayers. Hannah- you have joined those prayers recently. I hope I see both of you soon. You guys have tackled this disease with such poise, maturity, strength--I am impressed and I know that everyone who knows you is amazed. Love you guys.
Amber-Marie Pomeroy I hope you do. It is a powerful message.July 26, 2010 at 8:17pm
Peggy Gerlach You should absolutely write a book, Michelle.July 26, 2010 at 8:59pm
Cindy Mitchell "one day" ?? Put a date on that goal and just do it ;) I'd buy it.July 26, 2010 at 10:22pm
Hannah Komai you're my angel. ♥July 26, 2010 at 10:57pm
Brittney Foutz inspiring. wow.July 27, 2010 at 10:35am
Cindy Mitchell ♥ Thank you for sharing your pain and loss with us Michelle. "I would die for that" is a beautiful and emotion filled video ♥ I know at times there just aren't answers for our questions--and it is difficult not knowing "WHY?!" Nevertheless, God is LOVE and understands our pain and our heart aches--I have always found comfort in the fact that he captures our tears. And, suffering isn't always a test... continue to lament... God is your comforter. You have experienced and endured more than your fair share for those your age--and you are an inspiration.August 2, 2010 at 1:11pm
Shannon Rhine ive read don pipers book 11 times, i love the book 90 mins in heaven :) its so inspiringAugust 12, 2010 at 10:00pm
Hollie Horton Sanders amazing and inspiring. Jer: 29:11August 25, 2010 at 8:10pm
Hannah Komai i'm happy to see the quote i shared with you yesterday. ♥September 17, 2010 at 8:58pm
When I gave her the hats and scarves she said she was going to embrace her baldness and not worry about covering up. But when she text me last night she said she was trying them on and trying different ways to tie them. That makes me happy. I love that girl. She's been staying so positive and optimistic. Glad she feels like she can break down and be real with me.
I made a huge list of quotes, lyrics, and some of my meaningful journal entries and posted them on facebook for people to read. I posted some yesterday and way more today. Here are some responses.
Pattie Fee Komai You are a remarkable young woman, Michelle. I am so grateful to have met you. ♥♥♥July 25, 2010 at 9:21pm
Jamie Nix You have no idea how much I admire you!! You are a beautiful young woman inside and out, and such a courageous hero.July 26, 2010 at 12:26pm
Hannah Komai: I love this. It's amazing how I've only known my cancer for a short amount of time, yet I've felt so much of what you've said already. It's so hard for me to grasp that I'll never be the girl I used to be. I'll never be able to do some of the things I love the most. You're such an inspiration for me. I tell you that every day but I truly mean it.
Tommy LaRochelle: Such powerful quote-love them. Michelle you have been an inspiration to me for such a long time and a constant member of my prayers. Hannah- you have joined those prayers recently. I hope I see both of you soon. You guys have tackled this disease with such poise, maturity, strength--I am impressed and I know that everyone who knows you is amazed. Love you guys.
Amber-Marie Pomeroy I hope you do. It is a powerful message.July 26, 2010 at 8:17pm
Peggy Gerlach You should absolutely write a book, Michelle.July 26, 2010 at 8:59pm
Cindy Mitchell "one day" ?? Put a date on that goal and just do it ;) I'd buy it.July 26, 2010 at 10:22pm
Hannah Komai you're my angel. ♥July 26, 2010 at 10:57pm
Brittney Foutz inspiring. wow.July 27, 2010 at 10:35am
Cindy Mitchell ♥ Thank you for sharing your pain and loss with us Michelle. "I would die for that" is a beautiful and emotion filled video ♥ I know at times there just aren't answers for our questions--and it is difficult not knowing "WHY?!" Nevertheless, God is LOVE and understands our pain and our heart aches--I have always found comfort in the fact that he captures our tears. And, suffering isn't always a test... continue to lament... God is your comforter. You have experienced and endured more than your fair share for those your age--and you are an inspiration.August 2, 2010 at 1:11pm
Shannon Rhine ive read don pipers book 11 times, i love the book 90 mins in heaven :) its so inspiringAugust 12, 2010 at 10:00pm
Hollie Horton Sanders amazing and inspiring. Jer: 29:11August 25, 2010 at 8:10pm
Hannah Komai i'm happy to see the quote i shared with you yesterday. ♥September 17, 2010 at 8:58pm
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Had another melt down today. I just don't think I can do the interpreting thing and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life. I need a sign from God. I've been praying like crazy. I think about Child Life a lot and wonder about that, but I don't know. I love sign language and don't want to just throw it away. I'm so lost and confused.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
1:23am
Oh You're definitely using me in Hannah's life. And You're using her in mine. Just had a good chat with her on facebook. She's scared. I'm glad I can be there for her. She said she's looking up to me. I know how bad I wanted someone in my life when I was just starting. Somehow You made me strong enough to do it alone... So that I can now be there for her. And maybe even Brielle one day.
I Love You Lord. <3
Oh You're definitely using me in Hannah's life. And You're using her in mine. Just had a good chat with her on facebook. She's scared. I'm glad I can be there for her. She said she's looking up to me. I know how bad I wanted someone in my life when I was just starting. Somehow You made me strong enough to do it alone... So that I can now be there for her. And maybe even Brielle one day.
I Love You Lord. <3
Friday, July 9, 2010
I got an email from Hannah a couple of days ago. She was just diagnosed with bone cancer. I thank You, Lord, that I can be there for her if she needs me. I longed for someone to talk to that understood what I was going through when I first started my treatments. I never had anyone who understood my anxieties, fears, aches, and pains. But that wasn’t the plan, was it? Maybe you made me strong enough to endure it on my own so that I could be that person for others. We’ll see… (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahkomai)
She wanted to have lunch yesterday to talk with someone who knew what she was going through. She canceled though after being too tired and overwhelmed. She starts chemo Tuesday.
Last night my dad and I went to Wood Ranch for his birthday and I saw Hannah's dad walk by. I text her and she said they were just there. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. I don't know what God has planned for this situation.
Brielle is finally doing a lot better. She got her bandages off and the last of her staples out. Nausea is going away and her pain level is getting less. PTL! She's supposed to rest this week.
She wanted to have lunch yesterday to talk with someone who knew what she was going through. She canceled though after being too tired and overwhelmed. She starts chemo Tuesday.
Last night my dad and I went to Wood Ranch for his birthday and I saw Hannah's dad walk by. I text her and she said they were just there. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. I don't know what God has planned for this situation.
Brielle is finally doing a lot better. She got her bandages off and the last of her staples out. Nausea is going away and her pain level is getting less. PTL! She's supposed to rest this week.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Crying hysterically, making the section of my head hurt where the surgery was done. Horrible pain. Trying to stop crying.
Reading "90 Minutes in Heaven." Well, I just started. Too hard to read. I miss my Papa so much!!!
Brielle is not doing so well. She broke out in a huge rash and had a ton of spinal fluid.
I Remember……
I remember how anxious I was the day of my first surgery. We waited around for what felt like forever in that hospital room, thinking it was the worst care we had ever received, up until then at least. I was starving because no one would let me eat. I was supposed to go into surgery that morning, but it slowly became noon and still no surgery. Finally somebody came to my room to take me down to the operating room. A man pushed me into the elevator on one of those hospital beds with wheels and bars on the side to keep you from falling out, my mom and dad standing beside me. Down the dark hallways of the bottom level of the hospital I noticed there were no windows. It was dark and I felt trapped. As we approached the large doors to the scrub room the man pushing me hit a button on the wall and they opened. In fear of what was next, a tear ran down my cheek. There was a large sink to my right where two male doctors in blue scrubs were scrubbing in. Dr. Brackmann came to my side and began talking me through everything as he tied his blue scrub hat around his head. I don’t recall anything he said. I remember being in the prep room as the anesthesiologist pushed the burning medicine through my IV. Lynne was to my left talking to me and holding my hand as the medicine kicked in and I slowly went to sleep…
I remember the body scan I went through after my surgery. It was a flat box thing like my octreotide scans that scanned my entire body. There was a TV on top that had tropical scenes and peaceful music playing. I threw up while on the table. I would later learn that scan would show 30 other tumors throughout my body.
I remember my grandparents, along with Connie and Ken, their best friends, praying over me as I lay in my hospital bed floating in and out of sleep. They had a tiny dark bottle with oil inside and they all took turns putting a drop on my forehead. As I think back on that now, what a holy moment that was…
I remember being in recovery all night after my back surgery and my dad telling me how good my voice sounded. I remember how mean and cranky the medicine was making me and I was snapping at everyone. I remember not getting much sleep that night as they had to switch my body positions every 20 minutes to each side. So much pain as they pushed me to each side, putting pillows underneath me to prop me up. The man in the bed next to me was deaf. He was making horrible noises all night long.
I remember a horrible MRI down on that bottom floor. I was horrified to go in there for hours with the pain I was in. And we had a huge hassle trying to get the suction machine working in there so I could stop spitting. My dad was with me trying to work something out with the tech.
I remember waking up in the ICU at USC Hospital. Clear walls with black trim surrounded me and I could see a nurse staring at the monitor on my left. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. The breathing tube was still in my throat. I started to panic trying to pull it out of my mouth as the nurse held down my arms and gave me more medicine. I felt extremely thirsty. I could hear the nurse talk to me and I wanted so badly to talk back. I started spelling words out on the palm of her hand with my index finger. She didn’t understand me. She gave me a dry erase board, but couldn’t read the scribbles that I tried to write. I felt like I was writing clearly, but I don’t even remember what I was trying to say.
I remember one of my trips to Children’s LA for radiation where Gail came along with my mom and me. While we were sitting in the waiting room I sat in my wheelchair with my head over the chemo bin listening to my mom and Gail talk. I heard something about the Make-A-Wish Foundation which made me focus my attention on them. I heard them say that someone nominated me to get a wish. I turned to them and said, ‘Isn’t that for people with cancer?’ That's when it hit me. I didn’t understand. No one ever really sat me down and told me I had ‘cancer.’ Nobody used that word. Up until then I had probably heard every other word used for cancer, but had no idea that was what they were associated with. I was sixteen years old; I didn’t really know what cancer was. My mom and Gail’s faces dropped, and I started to cry. I looked around the room and on every wall there were thousands of tiny pictures of bald children of all ages and races. I cried even harder as I thought to myself that I would be joining them soon…
I remember the first time I was able to go up the stairs and be in my room for the first time again. It was so clean and fresh and felt amazing to be in there and off the floor downstairs.
Reading "90 Minutes in Heaven." Well, I just started. Too hard to read. I miss my Papa so much!!!
Brielle is not doing so well. She broke out in a huge rash and had a ton of spinal fluid.
I Remember……
I remember how anxious I was the day of my first surgery. We waited around for what felt like forever in that hospital room, thinking it was the worst care we had ever received, up until then at least. I was starving because no one would let me eat. I was supposed to go into surgery that morning, but it slowly became noon and still no surgery. Finally somebody came to my room to take me down to the operating room. A man pushed me into the elevator on one of those hospital beds with wheels and bars on the side to keep you from falling out, my mom and dad standing beside me. Down the dark hallways of the bottom level of the hospital I noticed there were no windows. It was dark and I felt trapped. As we approached the large doors to the scrub room the man pushing me hit a button on the wall and they opened. In fear of what was next, a tear ran down my cheek. There was a large sink to my right where two male doctors in blue scrubs were scrubbing in. Dr. Brackmann came to my side and began talking me through everything as he tied his blue scrub hat around his head. I don’t recall anything he said. I remember being in the prep room as the anesthesiologist pushed the burning medicine through my IV. Lynne was to my left talking to me and holding my hand as the medicine kicked in and I slowly went to sleep…
I remember the body scan I went through after my surgery. It was a flat box thing like my octreotide scans that scanned my entire body. There was a TV on top that had tropical scenes and peaceful music playing. I threw up while on the table. I would later learn that scan would show 30 other tumors throughout my body.
I remember my grandparents, along with Connie and Ken, their best friends, praying over me as I lay in my hospital bed floating in and out of sleep. They had a tiny dark bottle with oil inside and they all took turns putting a drop on my forehead. As I think back on that now, what a holy moment that was…
I remember being in recovery all night after my back surgery and my dad telling me how good my voice sounded. I remember how mean and cranky the medicine was making me and I was snapping at everyone. I remember not getting much sleep that night as they had to switch my body positions every 20 minutes to each side. So much pain as they pushed me to each side, putting pillows underneath me to prop me up. The man in the bed next to me was deaf. He was making horrible noises all night long.
I remember a horrible MRI down on that bottom floor. I was horrified to go in there for hours with the pain I was in. And we had a huge hassle trying to get the suction machine working in there so I could stop spitting. My dad was with me trying to work something out with the tech.
I remember waking up in the ICU at USC Hospital. Clear walls with black trim surrounded me and I could see a nurse staring at the monitor on my left. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. The breathing tube was still in my throat. I started to panic trying to pull it out of my mouth as the nurse held down my arms and gave me more medicine. I felt extremely thirsty. I could hear the nurse talk to me and I wanted so badly to talk back. I started spelling words out on the palm of her hand with my index finger. She didn’t understand me. She gave me a dry erase board, but couldn’t read the scribbles that I tried to write. I felt like I was writing clearly, but I don’t even remember what I was trying to say.
I remember one of my trips to Children’s LA for radiation where Gail came along with my mom and me. While we were sitting in the waiting room I sat in my wheelchair with my head over the chemo bin listening to my mom and Gail talk. I heard something about the Make-A-Wish Foundation which made me focus my attention on them. I heard them say that someone nominated me to get a wish. I turned to them and said, ‘Isn’t that for people with cancer?’ That's when it hit me. I didn’t understand. No one ever really sat me down and told me I had ‘cancer.’ Nobody used that word. Up until then I had probably heard every other word used for cancer, but had no idea that was what they were associated with. I was sixteen years old; I didn’t really know what cancer was. My mom and Gail’s faces dropped, and I started to cry. I looked around the room and on every wall there were thousands of tiny pictures of bald children of all ages and races. I cried even harder as I thought to myself that I would be joining them soon…
I remember the first time I was able to go up the stairs and be in my room for the first time again. It was so clean and fresh and felt amazing to be in there and off the floor downstairs.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
CA Picnic
One of the doctors my mom works with killed himself last night. Very sad. He was the one that would buy me shirts when he went on trips.
We went to the CA Picnic today. It was okay.
Ricky is moving in.
I start school tomorrow.
We went to the CA Picnic today. It was okay.
Ricky is moving in.
I start school tomorrow.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Brielle is finally home! :)
Just got a letter from Dr. Brackmann saying that the remaining tumor in my brain has shrunk significantly. Feeling very overwhelmed hearing that. Starting to see a life where I won’t have to deal with all of this anymore. But what then?
Been having hot flashes a lot lately. They're really pissing me off.
Just got a letter from Dr. Brackmann saying that the remaining tumor in my brain has shrunk significantly. Feeling very overwhelmed hearing that. Starting to see a life where I won’t have to deal with all of this anymore. But what then?
Been having hot flashes a lot lately. They're really pissing me off.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I've been reading updates on Brielle over the past 3 days. She had her surgery on Wednesday. I read what is happening and it's all too familiar. This girl is living my life, going through everything I went through. I emailed the family yesterday.
I printed out the updates from the past couple of days. I underlined everything that I remember feeling when that was me. It's scary how similar it all it. "She sleeps grasping the barf bowl and that some unimaginable way brings safety to her." "She tried to pull the tubes from her mouth, and became very afraid and confused." "The pain is unbearable no matter what they do every second she is awake and able to speak she is crying and constantly saying WHY!!! I shouldn't have done this!!"
This girl is changing my life… You’re going to make it. You’re going to reach the age of 20 and go to college and live a life as normal as possible. You are going to wake up one morning with issues that have nothing to do with cancer. Money problems, drama with boys, career choices… And this will make you feel normal, if only for that slight second. But that will be enough for you, to assure you that you are still pushing forward..
Constantly thinking and praying for you.
www.briellemurray.com
I printed out the updates from the past couple of days. I underlined everything that I remember feeling when that was me. It's scary how similar it all it. "She sleeps grasping the barf bowl and that some unimaginable way brings safety to her." "She tried to pull the tubes from her mouth, and became very afraid and confused." "The pain is unbearable no matter what they do every second she is awake and able to speak she is crying and constantly saying WHY!!! I shouldn't have done this!!"
This girl is changing my life… You’re going to make it. You’re going to reach the age of 20 and go to college and live a life as normal as possible. You are going to wake up one morning with issues that have nothing to do with cancer. Money problems, drama with boys, career choices… And this will make you feel normal, if only for that slight second. But that will be enough for you, to assure you that you are still pushing forward..
Constantly thinking and praying for you.
www.briellemurray.com
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Well, tonight has been interesting.
But first, I got my octreotide scans done Monday and Tuesday. Monday morning was hell. They couldn't get a vein. Took them 2 hours, 10 needles, and 5 people to get it. They went in all the worst spots: knuckles, wrist, thumb, feet, and they finally got it on the palm of my hand. I'm so bruised up. Last night at the Angels game I couldn't even clap my hands, it hurt. Because they spent 2 hours doing that the time for us to come back was pushed to 2pm. So we spent 7 hours out there. Tuesday I went in. Finished the scans pretty fast and then had to wait around 2.5 hours till my appt with Dr. Jubran at 1pm. Luckily Tina was there and said they weren't busy, so I got to hang out in one of the rooms and watch a movie. And of course, everything is still the same. I don't think anything is ever going to change. My cancer is not going to grow. I'm just going to be this lucky girl that had it caught, went through a ton of surgeries, and just have to live with that experience and move on... through the pain. I may need other operations down the line, but it won't be cancer. She does want me to go see Dr. Williams about the neck/back pain. So I'll do that next week probably.
As for tonight, I had a very interesting conversation with Ricky. Let some things out that I've been keeping inside me for the past 2 months. I feel like the past 2 months I've been trying to change myself to fit in with the world around me. Do things that everyone else around me does. Trying to convince myself that we live in a different time now and that we can't be expected to follow everything it says in the Bible. Trying to tell myself that that is right. This is all new to me. I've never really questioned this before. Never really had to deal with peer pressure before. He really had me questioning myself and my faith. And taking one step back and looking at that I feel disgusted because all I see is the devil. Using this situation to take away from the person I have become. Making me weak. Knowing how lonely I have been and using it on a guy that was just average and finally had someone giving me attention. I just know that I don't want to be so desperate to be with someone that I give up everything I believe in just to stay with them.
I do know what I'm looking for in a guy now, and hopefully God will put somebody good in my life. I feel like I'm always being tested. I'm ready to just have things settle down in my life and have a great summer.
But first, I got my octreotide scans done Monday and Tuesday. Monday morning was hell. They couldn't get a vein. Took them 2 hours, 10 needles, and 5 people to get it. They went in all the worst spots: knuckles, wrist, thumb, feet, and they finally got it on the palm of my hand. I'm so bruised up. Last night at the Angels game I couldn't even clap my hands, it hurt. Because they spent 2 hours doing that the time for us to come back was pushed to 2pm. So we spent 7 hours out there. Tuesday I went in. Finished the scans pretty fast and then had to wait around 2.5 hours till my appt with Dr. Jubran at 1pm. Luckily Tina was there and said they weren't busy, so I got to hang out in one of the rooms and watch a movie. And of course, everything is still the same. I don't think anything is ever going to change. My cancer is not going to grow. I'm just going to be this lucky girl that had it caught, went through a ton of surgeries, and just have to live with that experience and move on... through the pain. I may need other operations down the line, but it won't be cancer. She does want me to go see Dr. Williams about the neck/back pain. So I'll do that next week probably.
As for tonight, I had a very interesting conversation with Ricky. Let some things out that I've been keeping inside me for the past 2 months. I feel like the past 2 months I've been trying to change myself to fit in with the world around me. Do things that everyone else around me does. Trying to convince myself that we live in a different time now and that we can't be expected to follow everything it says in the Bible. Trying to tell myself that that is right. This is all new to me. I've never really questioned this before. Never really had to deal with peer pressure before. He really had me questioning myself and my faith. And taking one step back and looking at that I feel disgusted because all I see is the devil. Using this situation to take away from the person I have become. Making me weak. Knowing how lonely I have been and using it on a guy that was just average and finally had someone giving me attention. I just know that I don't want to be so desperate to be with someone that I give up everything I believe in just to stay with them.
I do know what I'm looking for in a guy now, and hopefully God will put somebody good in my life. I feel like I'm always being tested. I'm ready to just have things settle down in my life and have a great summer.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Angels swept the Dodgers this weekend. I went to last night's game at Dodger's Stadium with Joy and her mom.
Tomorrow I go in for my octreotide scans. And then back on Tuesday for the 2nd half and then I'll see Rima after with the results of my MRI's, hopefully! I've been waiting for weeks now. Don't even know why I did them early when she isn't going to look at them. My neck is still killing me. I hope they can fix whatever is wrong.
Haven't hung out with friends in a while. Want a boyfriend. Want to be happy. Want to be thin. Want to make a difference. Want to stand out.
Tomorrow I go in for my octreotide scans. And then back on Tuesday for the 2nd half and then I'll see Rima after with the results of my MRI's, hopefully! I've been waiting for weeks now. Don't even know why I did them early when she isn't going to look at them. My neck is still killing me. I hope they can fix whatever is wrong.
Haven't hung out with friends in a while. Want a boyfriend. Want to be happy. Want to be thin. Want to make a difference. Want to stand out.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Been super depressed lately. Yesterday I had Jenn's housewarming, JG's 21st, and deaf starbucks. Today was Celebrate Hope at Paramount. Friday I got the worst sunburn ever. Still hurting... so bad.
I'm sick of being alone. I miss being loved. Knowing that person is going to be there no matter what, even if my life is crazy... I want to know when it's my turn to be happy...
I'm sick of being alone. I miss being loved. Knowing that person is going to be there no matter what, even if my life is crazy... I want to know when it's my turn to be happy...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I’ll never forget the day at St. Vincent’s Hospital when Danika sat at the end of my bed and I told her I wanted to die...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
On April 20, 2006 I died. That person is no longer here.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Had lunch with Deanne yesterday. I always seem to make sense of things when I talk to her.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wednesday night I ditched class and went to Adam and Scott's game with Melissa. Totally awkward.
I got to hang out with Lissa again last night. She came over to watch Flash Forward, Grey's, and Private Practice with me... And girl talk.
I got to hang out with Lissa again last night. She came over to watch Flash Forward, Grey's, and Private Practice with me... And girl talk.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sunday was Mother's Day. I crammed in as much family as I possibly could. The afternoon was with my mom, Brian, and Doherty grandparents in Brea having brunch. Then when we finished there, I went over to my dad's where the entire family was. Still so hard to be around all of those people and not have my papa there.
Last night I went to the Angels vs Rays game with Mike. And across the way out in center field was Joy, Angie, Tori, and Chris Watkins. They came over and sat with us towards the 7th inning. That was the first time I had seen Tori since my birthday. We have been emailing back and forth for about a week now. It was good to see her. Not totally awkward.
Last night I went to the Angels vs Rays game with Mike. And across the way out in center field was Joy, Angie, Tori, and Chris Watkins. They came over and sat with us towards the 7th inning. That was the first time I had seen Tori since my birthday. We have been emailing back and forth for about a week now. It was good to see her. Not totally awkward.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
This morning was the viewing of the casket for immediate family. Just staring at him, no breathing, no movement, I couldn't handle it! No heart beat! No "Hi Sweetheart!" I don't understand! How can he not be here anymore??!
Then we had the burial. Then the service at FBTC. My dad and Uncle Wayne got up together and spoke. Wayne went first--very good and planned out. He held it together. But my dad... Oh daddy... He had to grab Wayne's hand and hold it the whole time. I finally saw him as a little brother.
I got up and spoke, but it was really short and unplanned. But Papa already knows how I feel.
After the gathering at the church some of us went back to my dad's house for more time together. Sitting in the room with those family members and friends... I could feel someone missing from the group. My Big Papa wasn't there. I wasn't sitting next to him on the couch while everyone else was chatting in the kitchen. I wasn't hearing his laugh when my dad or Wayne would play a prank on him. I wasn't listening to his long prayer before we ate and fellowshipped together. Nothing. It felt so wrong. And I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it through the upcoming holidays.
My heart is hurting. I don't know what I'm going to do without him around...
Then we had the burial. Then the service at FBTC. My dad and Uncle Wayne got up together and spoke. Wayne went first--very good and planned out. He held it together. But my dad... Oh daddy... He had to grab Wayne's hand and hold it the whole time. I finally saw him as a little brother.
I got up and spoke, but it was really short and unplanned. But Papa already knows how I feel.
After the gathering at the church some of us went back to my dad's house for more time together. Sitting in the room with those family members and friends... I could feel someone missing from the group. My Big Papa wasn't there. I wasn't sitting next to him on the couch while everyone else was chatting in the kitchen. I wasn't hearing his laugh when my dad or Wayne would play a prank on him. I wasn't listening to his long prayer before we ate and fellowshipped together. Nothing. It felt so wrong. And I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it through the upcoming holidays.
My heart is hurting. I don't know what I'm going to do without him around...
Monday, May 3, 2010
1:33am
I actually hear God speaking to me.
"He's not the one. Move on. Do not let him make you feel like this is the wrong decision. You are a good person. You've been through things that he doesn't understand. You have a relationship with Me that he doesn't understand."
He will not belittle my faith. I'm happy I took a stand. This will make me stronger. Just something else to learn from...
I actually hear God speaking to me.
"He's not the one. Move on. Do not let him make you feel like this is the wrong decision. You are a good person. You've been through things that he doesn't understand. You have a relationship with Me that he doesn't understand."
He will not belittle my faith. I'm happy I took a stand. This will make me stronger. Just something else to learn from...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
My BBQ was last night. Had too much to drink trying to forget my horrible week. But it wore off by the time people were leaving. People that came: Me, Sara, Monica, Trisha, Ricky, Melissa, Adam, Scott, Rebecca, Matt, Michael, Justin, Lauren, Delaney, Meagan, and Richard. So good to catch up with everyone. Melissa and Monica were trying to embarrass me the whole time. They're funny.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
12:54pm
My Big Papa died this morning, peacefully in his sleep. I've been dreading this day for two years now. This morning my cousin Doug text me to say he was sorry my grandpa died, but I didn't know what he was talking about. Then during class my dad called and I called him back during my break and he told me. I fell to the floor in the hallway making a scene, crying hysterically, as Jamie came over to comfort me. I saw Bob and he was very nice and I went in to George's office and told him and he gave me a hug. Bob let me stay in his office till I got together. Then I came out to my grandma's house, where I am right now.
This morning I woke up with grampa on my mind, feeling completely guilty that I hadn't seen him or talked to him since Easter. I was planning on calling him today after my class. It's crazy when you get these feelings about this and then just like that he's gone. My dad was just telling me last week about how he was planning on what to do for my grampa coming. He wanted to go get a bunch of his slides developed into pictures. And he was going to call and see it the meat company he used to work at would give him a tour. Then from there take him to a Dodgers game.
We're getting arrangements together now for the service and grave site. The service will be at Temple City First Baptist. And when Uncle Wayne asked about what songs should be played, I knew I had to say the song I gave to grampa, "The Wind Beneath My Wings." He told me to have that played at his funeral.
Our last few visits were the best conversations we've ever had. I know I wrote about them in my journal after they happened. We talked for an hour and a half, just the two of us last month. And the last time I saw him at Easter, he was balling his eyes out and told my dad and me to never forget him. How could I ever forget him... We were years apart, but had an incredible bond and understanding of what we were both going through. There's no bond greater than two people who have suffered. And I feel like it's been my job to let him understand that the things he was going through were normal. That I understood and have been in his position. We complained to each other, listened to each other, laughed together, and loved each other so much. We would joke about who ate the slowest, who has had more surgeries, and who takes the most medicine. Just a fun competition between two patients. I love him so much. He is watching over me now, and that is a very comforting feeling.
My Big Papa died this morning, peacefully in his sleep. I've been dreading this day for two years now. This morning my cousin Doug text me to say he was sorry my grandpa died, but I didn't know what he was talking about. Then during class my dad called and I called him back during my break and he told me. I fell to the floor in the hallway making a scene, crying hysterically, as Jamie came over to comfort me. I saw Bob and he was very nice and I went in to George's office and told him and he gave me a hug. Bob let me stay in his office till I got together. Then I came out to my grandma's house, where I am right now.
This morning I woke up with grampa on my mind, feeling completely guilty that I hadn't seen him or talked to him since Easter. I was planning on calling him today after my class. It's crazy when you get these feelings about this and then just like that he's gone. My dad was just telling me last week about how he was planning on what to do for my grampa coming. He wanted to go get a bunch of his slides developed into pictures. And he was going to call and see it the meat company he used to work at would give him a tour. Then from there take him to a Dodgers game.
We're getting arrangements together now for the service and grave site. The service will be at Temple City First Baptist. And when Uncle Wayne asked about what songs should be played, I knew I had to say the song I gave to grampa, "The Wind Beneath My Wings." He told me to have that played at his funeral.
Our last few visits were the best conversations we've ever had. I know I wrote about them in my journal after they happened. We talked for an hour and a half, just the two of us last month. And the last time I saw him at Easter, he was balling his eyes out and told my dad and me to never forget him. How could I ever forget him... We were years apart, but had an incredible bond and understanding of what we were both going through. There's no bond greater than two people who have suffered. And I feel like it's been my job to let him understand that the things he was going through were normal. That I understood and have been in his position. We complained to each other, listened to each other, laughed together, and loved each other so much. We would joke about who ate the slowest, who has had more surgeries, and who takes the most medicine. Just a fun competition between two patients. I love him so much. He is watching over me now, and that is a very comforting feeling.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Lord, you have been so good to me. I’m so overwhelmed with happiness and thankfulness toward You. I haven’t been this happy in a long time.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Can’t believe I was going in to my very first surgery four years ago today. And it just happened to be brain surgery. It’s so crazy. It feels like just yesterday and forever ago at the same time.
April 19, 2010
I hate these damn surgeries! They stop me from doing everything!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Thursday night was the Taylor Swift concert. It was absolutely amazing. So much better than last time. Our seats were incredible. Katy Perry came out and sang "Hot and Cold" with her.
Tonight is date #2-ish with Scott. Going to dinner and maybe a movie. Still not sure how I feel about him.
Tonight is date #2-ish with Scott. Going to dinner and maybe a movie. Still not sure how I feel about him.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I just got back from dinner with Jamie at Casa in TC. It was actually a really nice visit. I must've sounded really mature and collected, cuz at the end while I was talking she looked down, dazed, and then said, "I'm really jealous of you right now." She said I knew exactly what I wanted to do and that I've grown so much over the past 4 years. Honestly, that was amazing to hear. One of the best compliments I've ever been given. But I definitely don't feel the same way I sound. I did feel myself sounding that way though. Kind of surprised myself. It's crazy how far I've come in 4 years.
Had that "date" with Scott yesterday. It was definitely awkward. He's just a little strange.
Had that "date" with Scott yesterday. It was definitely awkward. He's just a little strange.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Today is Easter. I went to CA with my dad and met my mom there this morning. My mom got me all sorts of gifts. I want to be grateful, but I just can't. I keep telling her not to buy my stuff for my house and then she does it anyway.
My dad and I visited my grampa today. They moved him over to a convalescent home while he heals. When we walked in the room he started crying hysterically. Made me start to tear up, but I tried to hide it and be strong for him. He really misses everyone and is sick of being away from home. He kept telling us not to forget him. Never to forget him.
Of course I wont forget him. It's so hard watching him get older. I love him so much.
We went over to Aunt Velma's after the visit. We had a huge earthquake. It was in Baja. 7.2. It was so long. lasted about 1-2 minutes. It was a roller. This is scary how frequent they're coming now. No more please!
My dad and I visited my grampa today. They moved him over to a convalescent home while he heals. When we walked in the room he started crying hysterically. Made me start to tear up, but I tried to hide it and be strong for him. He really misses everyone and is sick of being away from home. He kept telling us not to forget him. Never to forget him.
Of course I wont forget him. It's so hard watching him get older. I love him so much.
We went over to Aunt Velma's after the visit. We had a huge earthquake. It was in Baja. 7.2. It was so long. lasted about 1-2 minutes. It was a roller. This is scary how frequent they're coming now. No more please!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I hardly feel You near me. I don’t understand what You’re doing with my life. I’m unsure of everything. I’m not sure what having cancer is supposed to mean for my life. I’m not sure why I have to deal with the side effects from chemotherapy. I feel left out. Left out on life. Left out on activities. Left out from friends. And left out from Your plans. I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know which way to go. I’m trying to trust Your unknown plans.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I'm running out of time...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I went to visit my grampa in the hospital tonight. He talks a lot when he's on pain medicine.
We talked for over an hour, nonstop. He did a lot of the talking in the beginning and it was tiring him out, so I did a lot of the talking after to keep him company. We talked about hospitals, pain, why things happen to us. Even through our age difference, we have so much in common: in and out of hospitals, our faith, and the way we look out for each other. I love him so much. He told me how he remembered when me and my dad stayed with him overnight in the hospital when he was hallucinating. Tomorrow he has to have his big toe cut off. Hopefully that's all. I'm going to trying and see him again this week. He should be in there all week.
We talked for over an hour, nonstop. He did a lot of the talking in the beginning and it was tiring him out, so I did a lot of the talking after to keep him company. We talked about hospitals, pain, why things happen to us. Even through our age difference, we have so much in common: in and out of hospitals, our faith, and the way we look out for each other. I love him so much. He told me how he remembered when me and my dad stayed with him overnight in the hospital when he was hallucinating. Tomorrow he has to have his big toe cut off. Hopefully that's all. I'm going to trying and see him again this week. He should be in there all week.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Grampa Ford is back in the hospital. He has an infection in his foot. I talked to my gramma during my break at school. He's getting antibiotics. Then I just found out that he's contagious and in isolation. It's more serious than I thought. And now I'm freaking out and worried.
Sara's gramma died from an infection in her feet last year.
Please Lord don't let it be his time to go!!
Sara's gramma died from an infection in her feet last year.
Please Lord don't let it be his time to go!!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The little girl that I have been hearing about from Angie, Brielle is her name, I just got the latest email forwarded to me. She just had her scans done since her big experimental treatment and they are clear! There is no cancer to be seen. Tears are pouring down my face in joy for this young girl and her family.
Praise the Lord! She is healed!
(Later)
Last night I had a dream that I had a son. He was maybe 2 or 3 years old and I watched him die. And I was over his grave on my hands and knees and water was pouring out of my eyes. I was hysterical in a way I've never been in real life. The dream was so real. I woke up in the middle of me crying.
Praise the Lord! She is healed!
(Later)
Last night I had a dream that I had a son. He was maybe 2 or 3 years old and I watched him die. And I was over his grave on my hands and knees and water was pouring out of my eyes. I was hysterical in a way I've never been in real life. The dream was so real. I woke up in the middle of me crying.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
1:00am
Went to Disneyland earlier with Sara, Melissa, Adam, and his friend Scott. I tried to be happy, but I just wasn't having it.
I just got Janet Smith's 4th cancer update a few minutes ago. She sounds so strong every time. She keeps saying, "I feel great." That's amazing. I don't know how she feels great when I felt like crap. Praying that she stays feeling great and has a full recovery.
Went to Disneyland earlier with Sara, Melissa, Adam, and his friend Scott. I tried to be happy, but I just wasn't having it.
I just got Janet Smith's 4th cancer update a few minutes ago. She sounds so strong every time. She keeps saying, "I feel great." That's amazing. I don't know how she feels great when I felt like crap. Praying that she stays feeling great and has a full recovery.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Lord, please let me find a nice guy this year. Someone that will be good to me. Will fight for me. Someone that will be sensitive to the fact that I have cancer. Needs to be a Christian. Funny. And somewhat good-looking.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Things that I think will make me happier:
1. Lose 30 lbs.
2. friends
3. Boyfriend
4. Staying off Facebook for a while
5. Sleep
1. Lose 30 lbs.
2. friends
3. Boyfriend
4. Staying off Facebook for a while
5. Sleep
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Something Rob Bell said tonight was, ‘A few years ago I couldn’t imagine something like this ever happening to me. A few years later I can’t imagine if this never happened to me.’ Exactly! That’s it. I don’t know who I’d be today had I not been diagnosed with cancer. This is me. This is who I am now. Take it or leave it. I can’t change who this has made me. I can’t try to pretend like this never happened. Because it did happen to me, and it’s a part of my life every day. Tonight was the wake-up call I needed. I’ve seen how much I have grown over these four years and I can’t see my life being any different. I’m growing into a person that I think can change people’s lives. That’s who I want to be. That’s who I will be.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Such a bad day today. After class my group got together to practice going over our speech, and it's like I'm the only one taking this seriously. I hate group work. I'm always the one who has to do most of the work.
Then we went a little long and I had to get to my mom's work to trade cars so I could pick up balloons and flowers for the senior game. Did I mention that it was pouring rain? So I'm running late because of traffic. I finally get to the flower shop and it really starts raining hard. And I see that I have more balloons than I thought. I get to the high school and it's just down-pouring and windy and I'm holding all these balloons and flowers and I have to walk all the way over to the classroom where we were all meeting. And I'm just getting soaked. Then it starts hailing on me and the wind is pulling the balloons behind me and I finally get to the class and everyone starts laughing at me and all I wanted to do was cry.
Then we went a little long and I had to get to my mom's work to trade cars so I could pick up balloons and flowers for the senior game. Did I mention that it was pouring rain? So I'm running late because of traffic. I finally get to the flower shop and it really starts raining hard. And I see that I have more balloons than I thought. I get to the high school and it's just down-pouring and windy and I'm holding all these balloons and flowers and I have to walk all the way over to the classroom where we were all meeting. And I'm just getting soaked. Then it starts hailing on me and the wind is pulling the balloons behind me and I finally get to the class and everyone starts laughing at me and all I wanted to do was cry.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
So a few days ago I went to post something on Justin's picture on his facebook and under the comments I could see one of Tori's posts. I was like, why can I see this when she blocked me? So I clicked on her name and I see that she has now unblocked me. I think I just might've been more pissed about that than her blocking me in the first place. Who does that? Who goes out of their way, when nothing has happened, and does that? I knew there was something going on, and I had a feeling that I would be getting either a friend request or email, and I was right. This morning I woke up with this email. ---->
"Hi Mich.
I don't know if you want to hear from me, but I hope you do. I had planned on sending you a letter I'd written trying to explain my behavior and the way I felt on your birthday weekend. But in the end it just felt like excuses and while, there are reason for the things I do, I don't have any excuse for playing with your emotions. The bottom line is I miss you and love you. There are a couple things that I do want to explain, but not in the first contact.
You might think it's not fair for me to decide when I will or won't be a part of your life, I would think the same thing. I'm not trying to do that. It just takes me time to let go of things, if I let go at all.. And sometimes it takes longer than it should. I just wanted to say sorry and I don't like having this negative air between us.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I listened to Glee Cast radio on Pandora last weekend at camp and they played 'Take Me or Leave Me' from Rent, instant thoughts of you. I see your mom at dinner sometimes, think of you. I see my Angels hat, you. I love you and I was stupid. I'm sorry. I love you."
I don't even know what to think or what to do. When she unblocked me, the first thing I said to Sara was, "Who does she think she is? Why does she get to decide when she wants to be in my life or not? She thinks she has control over this relationship." And what do you know, she says that in her email. One thing is for sure, I don't want to sit down and talk with her about this and be bashed into the ground about how I need to change. I've already been trying to change. And I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when I'm around a "friend." I don't know if I could go through this again. God, I really need Your guidance on this one. I'm too much of a forgiving person and giving people 200 changes to prove me wrong. I know I should forgive her and well, forgive myself (on many things) but don't know if it would be right to let her back into my life. I'm not sure how healthy that would be.
I think I'm going to wait a little bit before writing. Not to leave her hanging, but just to process things and think about what I want to say. I'm always better when I don't act upon the situation right away.
"Hi Mich.
I don't know if you want to hear from me, but I hope you do. I had planned on sending you a letter I'd written trying to explain my behavior and the way I felt on your birthday weekend. But in the end it just felt like excuses and while, there are reason for the things I do, I don't have any excuse for playing with your emotions. The bottom line is I miss you and love you. There are a couple things that I do want to explain, but not in the first contact.
You might think it's not fair for me to decide when I will or won't be a part of your life, I would think the same thing. I'm not trying to do that. It just takes me time to let go of things, if I let go at all.. And sometimes it takes longer than it should. I just wanted to say sorry and I don't like having this negative air between us.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I listened to Glee Cast radio on Pandora last weekend at camp and they played 'Take Me or Leave Me' from Rent, instant thoughts of you. I see your mom at dinner sometimes, think of you. I see my Angels hat, you. I love you and I was stupid. I'm sorry. I love you."
I don't even know what to think or what to do. When she unblocked me, the first thing I said to Sara was, "Who does she think she is? Why does she get to decide when she wants to be in my life or not? She thinks she has control over this relationship." And what do you know, she says that in her email. One thing is for sure, I don't want to sit down and talk with her about this and be bashed into the ground about how I need to change. I've already been trying to change. And I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when I'm around a "friend." I don't know if I could go through this again. God, I really need Your guidance on this one. I'm too much of a forgiving person and giving people 200 changes to prove me wrong. I know I should forgive her and well, forgive myself (on many things) but don't know if it would be right to let her back into my life. I'm not sure how healthy that would be.
I think I'm going to wait a little bit before writing. Not to leave her hanging, but just to process things and think about what I want to say. I'm always better when I don't act upon the situation right away.
Monday, February 1, 2010
I've had the craziest dreams the past 2 nights. 2 nights ago it was a natural disaster. There was earthquakes, tornados, rain. Then somehow I was dancing with Choreo and a lot of my soccer girls were on the team and Clorie was there. Ellen DeGeneres was hosting the show and Portia was dancing too. Gary was in my dream. Bob was there. A lot of random people.
Last night, I dreamt I was pregnant. I had the baby a little early, but she was so perfect. I was holding her and never wanted to let go. And then I went to sleep in my dream and I said, "This has to be a dream, I'm going to wake up and she won't be here." But I woke up and she was still there. I wasn't prepared. I didn't have anything for her. I needed clothes, crib, car seat, bottles, everything. I had to find space for her in my room.
I was so happy.
And then I just woke up and it's all gone. Reality has hit, and I can't believe I have hardly any chance of having a baby.
That dream felt so right.
Last night, I dreamt I was pregnant. I had the baby a little early, but she was so perfect. I was holding her and never wanted to let go. And then I went to sleep in my dream and I said, "This has to be a dream, I'm going to wake up and she won't be here." But I woke up and she was still there. I wasn't prepared. I didn't have anything for her. I needed clothes, crib, car seat, bottles, everything. I had to find space for her in my room.
I was so happy.
And then I just woke up and it's all gone. Reality has hit, and I can't believe I have hardly any chance of having a baby.
That dream felt so right.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Squirt has a heart attack last week. And I just found out that my cousin, Hollie, had one yesterday. She's only 3 weeks younger than my mom. I hope this opens up her eyes to get healthy. Or it's going to be her next. :(
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tomorrow is my brother's 25th birthday. Tonight my mom, bro, and I went to Woodranch. He really liked the card I got him. I really liked it too. He was like, "Where did you get this?" He seemed to like the Uggs too. He liked that they were expensive. HaHa.
He has 2 black eyes right now. Got into a fight, of course.
So exhausted after staying up till 3am. I don't know why I couldn't fall asleep.
good night. :)
<3
He has 2 black eyes right now. Got into a fight, of course.
So exhausted after staying up till 3am. I don't know why I couldn't fall asleep.
good night. :)
<3
Thursday, January 21, 2010
We're in the middle of huge storms. It's been raining nonstop since Monday. We've had tornados on Tuesday and today.
Yesterday we played a game in the pouring rain and lost 1-5. And today we're getting all sorts of letters/emails and calls from parents complaining. I can't even write it all down right now. But I saw Lauren cry today, and that really hurt me. She's a great coach and very strong, and just broke down, only letting me see her cry.
Yesterday we played a game in the pouring rain and lost 1-5. And today we're getting all sorts of letters/emails and calls from parents complaining. I can't even write it all down right now. But I saw Lauren cry today, and that really hurt me. She's a great coach and very strong, and just broke down, only letting me see her cry.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Dear Jon,
What happened over the summer was a moment of pure loneliness. And you're right, it's never going to happen again. That stuff I said after you flew home was completely ridiculous. And what I said about that guy, Justin, was a lie. There's a story that goes along with that, but I won't go into it.
Things have been different since your visit. I know it, you have to know it. You say you want to be friends, and yet I don't feel like we are. I talked to you today after not hearing from you in probably over a month, and I'm not sure what to think. If you want to be a friend, then be my friend. But stop doing it when it's convenient to you. Because friends don't do that. And if you don't want to be my friend, then don't. Just pick one.
Since about mid August my life has drastically changed again. And I feel like I've aged another 5 years with the things I've encountered since then. I'm in the midst of changing my life and trying to fix things that need fixing. I feel like I've been given a second chance on life. To stop complaining and regretting my past, and to look forward to what lies ahead.
I'm not sure if by us being friends is completely healthy, but I know that when I think about you not being in my life at all, it feels so wrong.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm just trying to move on with my life.
-Michelle
(okay, I don't think I'm actually going to send this.)
What happened over the summer was a moment of pure loneliness. And you're right, it's never going to happen again. That stuff I said after you flew home was completely ridiculous. And what I said about that guy, Justin, was a lie. There's a story that goes along with that, but I won't go into it.
Things have been different since your visit. I know it, you have to know it. You say you want to be friends, and yet I don't feel like we are. I talked to you today after not hearing from you in probably over a month, and I'm not sure what to think. If you want to be a friend, then be my friend. But stop doing it when it's convenient to you. Because friends don't do that. And if you don't want to be my friend, then don't. Just pick one.
Since about mid August my life has drastically changed again. And I feel like I've aged another 5 years with the things I've encountered since then. I'm in the midst of changing my life and trying to fix things that need fixing. I feel like I've been given a second chance on life. To stop complaining and regretting my past, and to look forward to what lies ahead.
I'm not sure if by us being friends is completely healthy, but I know that when I think about you not being in my life at all, it feels so wrong.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm just trying to move on with my life.
-Michelle
(okay, I don't think I'm actually going to send this.)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Today on my way home from my mom's house, the worst pain that ever happened to me happened. It was on the right upper part of my neck and slowly made its way upward to the top of my head. It happened when I was driving and lasted about 5 minutes. I actually started screaming. It was horrible.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
For the past 2 days I've been thinking about Tori. I was at my mom's house yesterday and her facebook page was signed in, so I went on Tori's page since she blocked me.
She finally got her hair cut and straightened the way she wanted to. It looks really pretty.
There's a part of me that wants to call her up and try and fix things, but I still don't think I was completely wrong. I know there were some things I shouldn't have said that day, but why should I have to watch everything I say and not be able to confront a friend with something?
She finally got her hair cut and straightened the way she wanted to. It looks really pretty.
There's a part of me that wants to call her up and try and fix things, but I still don't think I was completely wrong. I know there were some things I shouldn't have said that day, but why should I have to watch everything I say and not be able to confront a friend with something?