Wednesday, July 27, 2011
10:59pm
I love these moments. I can just look up and cry and smile and laugh and tell You how much I love You, oh Lord. <3 <3 <3
I love these moments. I can just look up and cry and smile and laugh and tell You how much I love You, oh Lord. <3 <3 <3
Thursday, July 21, 2011
11:43am
So I'll let my words be few, Jesus, I am so in love with You!
Anthony and I visited my gramma last night after having dinner with some of our mt sac friends in Claremont. Every time I visit her I always go into the bathroom and smell my big papa's cologne. She still has all his stuff in there. :)
My life is incredible. You have some amazing plans in store for me. I can feel it! Thank You, oh Lord. Continue to use me. Send me! Use me!
prayers:
6:12pm
I'm at the barber shop with Anthony and Marcos right now. They're getting their hair cut before they leave for Yosemite next week. ALL WEEK :( haha. I'll have a great week with my girls though. Then I leave for NC.
I just read through this journal while I'm waiting for them to finish...What a crazy 7 months it has been. All I can do is smile and praise God every second of every day for bringing me so much love, joy, & happiness. I love my life, and I trust God's plan and God's timing. It has gotten me this far, and it's amazing to see. Can't thank Him enough. I'm so blessed.
So I'll let my words be few, Jesus, I am so in love with You!
Anthony and I visited my gramma last night after having dinner with some of our mt sac friends in Claremont. Every time I visit her I always go into the bathroom and smell my big papa's cologne. She still has all his stuff in there. :)
My life is incredible. You have some amazing plans in store for me. I can feel it! Thank You, oh Lord. Continue to use me. Send me! Use me!
prayers:
- heal my relationship with my mom
- healing for Reggie and Maddie
- my house fixed up quickly
- migraines to go away
- for sleep, rest, energy, strength
- stop cussing
6:12pm
I'm at the barber shop with Anthony and Marcos right now. They're getting their hair cut before they leave for Yosemite next week. ALL WEEK :( haha. I'll have a great week with my girls though. Then I leave for NC.
I just read through this journal while I'm waiting for them to finish...What a crazy 7 months it has been. All I can do is smile and praise God every second of every day for bringing me so much love, joy, & happiness. I love my life, and I trust God's plan and God's timing. It has gotten me this far, and it's amazing to see. Can't thank Him enough. I'm so blessed.
'Somethin in your eyes makes me wanna lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself in your arms. There's somethin in your voice that makes my heart beat fast, hope this feelin lasts the rest of my life. If you knew how lonely my life has been and how long I've been so alone. If you knew how I wanted someone to come along and change my life the way you've done.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
12:52pm
It's been a very busy week. I am so exhausted and drained. I feel like I have a hundred hours of sleep to catch up on.
Saturday was the Angels game followed by the Dierks Bentley concert. Very cool. It was a part of the Angels Summer Concert Series. Mike and Gail took me. Sunday was Anthony's cousin's graduation party. We walked in holding hands and everyone stared at me. Really? A white girl? Hahaha... Then we went over to my Dad's house to see them. They got back from their Hawaii trip that morning and then he had to pack up and leave for Idaho Monday morning.
Monday was Reggie's surgery on her lung. She had a tumor removed. Henry and I spent all day at the hospital. She's doing really well. I spent all day and night and this morning with her. I'll be leaving here shortly. She's hacking up a lung right now. Literally. Bahaha.. I'm trying to teach her to hawk a loogie because the doctors want her to spit out all that flem. Yummy.... lol
Tuesday we spent running around and then spent the evening at Hannah's house watching the MLB All Star Game.
So it's been busy, but life is good. GREAT. Praise God. :)
It's been a very busy week. I am so exhausted and drained. I feel like I have a hundred hours of sleep to catch up on.
Saturday was the Angels game followed by the Dierks Bentley concert. Very cool. It was a part of the Angels Summer Concert Series. Mike and Gail took me. Sunday was Anthony's cousin's graduation party. We walked in holding hands and everyone stared at me. Really? A white girl? Hahaha... Then we went over to my Dad's house to see them. They got back from their Hawaii trip that morning and then he had to pack up and leave for Idaho Monday morning.
Monday was Reggie's surgery on her lung. She had a tumor removed. Henry and I spent all day at the hospital. She's doing really well. I spent all day and night and this morning with her. I'll be leaving here shortly. She's hacking up a lung right now. Literally. Bahaha.. I'm trying to teach her to hawk a loogie because the doctors want her to spit out all that flem. Yummy.... lol
Tuesday we spent running around and then spent the evening at Hannah's house watching the MLB All Star Game.
So it's been busy, but life is good. GREAT. Praise God. :)
It was worth the wait....I love you, Babe.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!
Celebration of 5 years of Life: photos by Eileen Liu
Just over five years ago I was hit with the news that I had a metastatic glomus jugular tumor. Don’t worry, I had no idea what that meant either. At just sixteen years old, on April 20, 2006, I went in to St. Vincent Hospital in LA to have a large benign blood-filled brain tumor removed behind my right ear. The sixteen-hour surgery must have been an amazing operation to witness, which would explain all the hospital staff in the Operating Room. I lost a lot of blood, but was given multiple blood transfusions while on the table, and the doctors managed to sacrifice only a few of the nerves on the right side of my face leaving me deaf and causing paralysis to the vocal cord and inside of the mouth. Immediately after surgery a body scan took place, and while I was in the ICU the doctors made a dreaded visit to the waiting room and told my family the news that I had over thirty other tumors in my bones: down my spine, ribs, and femurs.
The surgeries continued over the following six weeks. I had spinal rods put in to stabilize a collapsed vertebra, a vocal cord implant, and a feeding tube, just to name a few. After being in that hospital for six weeks, I was then transferred to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles where I began treatments.
“Where do we even start?” seemed to be the question on everyone’s mind. No one had ever seen this cancer before. My treatment cycles became an ongoing experiment, discarding every chemotherapy that did not have a dying effect on the tumors. I had different kinds of radiations and chemotherapies, and when none of those worked I was asked to be a part of a clinical trial in Iowa, and I was the last patient to make it in before being submitted to the FDA. It seems it must have worked because just months later, on February 26, 2008, my scans showed dormant, non-active tumors throughout my body. Treatments stopped, but I was still given a Zometa infusion to strengthen my bones over the following year. My oncologist said if the tumors are not growing, then there is no need to continue treatments. I may just go through life with dead tumors everywhere.
As of April 20, 2011, I have undergone sixteen surgeries. I have become quite the pro when dealing with pain and needles. With a cancer in which no one else in the world has, we celebrate five years of fighting! Through all the ups, downs, pains, surgeries, depression, anger, loneliness, bitterness, and frustration, I would not change one thing about the last six years of my life. It was so hard letting go of the girl I was before the diagnosis, but who I am today is so much more than I ever could have been without this experience. God has used me in unimaginable ways, and will continue to do so until His work in me is done.
"I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I; send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8)
All I have wanted to do over the last few years is help other young cancer patients, like myself, get through these trials without feeling alone and misunderstood. I went through four years of feeling that way, and I feel that it is my calling to make sure that no other cancer patient ever feels the way I did. God somehow made me strong enough to get through those tough times on my own. The people He has put in my life today made it so worth the wait.
I am now twenty-one years old, and I attend Mt. San Antonio College in Walnut, California, where I am studying to be a sign language interpreter while taking classes for my GE. When I graduate I hope to transfer to UCLA and study psychology and focus on my writing. I would like to become a psychologist and work with cancer patients, and I also hope to write a book about my cancer journey, which I am in the process of writing right now.
I want to thank Eileen for putting together this shoot to celebrate my life. It had been years since we saw each other back in high school, and was an absolute pleasure being photographed by her. She has such a beautiful heart and outlook on life, and God is using her in so many ways.
Love you, Eileen.
http://www.eileenliuphotography.com/blog/2011/07/portrait-session-with-cancer-survivor-michelle-ford/
The surgeries continued over the following six weeks. I had spinal rods put in to stabilize a collapsed vertebra, a vocal cord implant, and a feeding tube, just to name a few. After being in that hospital for six weeks, I was then transferred to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles where I began treatments.
“Where do we even start?” seemed to be the question on everyone’s mind. No one had ever seen this cancer before. My treatment cycles became an ongoing experiment, discarding every chemotherapy that did not have a dying effect on the tumors. I had different kinds of radiations and chemotherapies, and when none of those worked I was asked to be a part of a clinical trial in Iowa, and I was the last patient to make it in before being submitted to the FDA. It seems it must have worked because just months later, on February 26, 2008, my scans showed dormant, non-active tumors throughout my body. Treatments stopped, but I was still given a Zometa infusion to strengthen my bones over the following year. My oncologist said if the tumors are not growing, then there is no need to continue treatments. I may just go through life with dead tumors everywhere.
As of April 20, 2011, I have undergone sixteen surgeries. I have become quite the pro when dealing with pain and needles. With a cancer in which no one else in the world has, we celebrate five years of fighting! Through all the ups, downs, pains, surgeries, depression, anger, loneliness, bitterness, and frustration, I would not change one thing about the last six years of my life. It was so hard letting go of the girl I was before the diagnosis, but who I am today is so much more than I ever could have been without this experience. God has used me in unimaginable ways, and will continue to do so until His work in me is done.
"I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I; send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8)
All I have wanted to do over the last few years is help other young cancer patients, like myself, get through these trials without feeling alone and misunderstood. I went through four years of feeling that way, and I feel that it is my calling to make sure that no other cancer patient ever feels the way I did. God somehow made me strong enough to get through those tough times on my own. The people He has put in my life today made it so worth the wait.
I am now twenty-one years old, and I attend Mt. San Antonio College in Walnut, California, where I am studying to be a sign language interpreter while taking classes for my GE. When I graduate I hope to transfer to UCLA and study psychology and focus on my writing. I would like to become a psychologist and work with cancer patients, and I also hope to write a book about my cancer journey, which I am in the process of writing right now.
I want to thank Eileen for putting together this shoot to celebrate my life. It had been years since we saw each other back in high school, and was an absolute pleasure being photographed by her. She has such a beautiful heart and outlook on life, and God is using her in so many ways.
Love you, Eileen.
http://www.eileenliuphotography.com/blog/2011/07/portrait-session-with-cancer-survivor-michelle-ford/
“It is the nurses who are the seasoned sergeants-the ones who are there when your baby is shaking with such a high fever she needs to be bathed in ice, the ones who can teach you how to flush a central venous catheter, or suggest which patient floor kitchens might still have Popsicles left to be stolen, or tell you which dry cleaners know how to remove the stains of blood and chemotherapies from clothing. The nurses know the name of you daughter’s stuffed walrus and show her how to make tissue paper flowers to twine around her IV stand. The doctors may be mapping out the war games, but it is the nurses who make the conflict bearable. You get to know them as they know you, because they take the place of friends you once had in a previous life, the one before the diagnosis.” –My Sister’s Keeper
Thursday, July 7, 2011
2:08pm
Happy Birthday to my best friend Danielle!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you Sultry French Toast Kitten :P
And yesterday was Hannah's 1 year mark of being diagnosed with Osteosarcoma! What a year!! This is what she had to say:Hannah Komai "A year ago today my life changed for forever. It's amazing how much can happen in a year. Between chemo, surgery, doctors appointments, and a new life...I honestly wouldn't take it back. Along with all the bad things, the friendships and relationships I've formed are irreplaceable. To all my fellow cancer patients, keep fighting. ♥"
I know, I know, it's been a while since I last updated this thing. I've been really busy, but good busy. :)
Had lunch with my gramma and sherry last week. Gramma's bday was the day of Hannah's first pitch so I took her out on Thursday. Caught up with Sherry (home school teacher during my treatments) the day before. We never have enough time to cover everything, so we had to make another date soon. Lol. After lunch was the Rihanna concert at the Honda Center. I've never been to a concert like that before. It was sooo good though.
Thursday, we visited Reggie in the hospital to get the info for her surgery coming up. Her scans showed growth of the tumors in her lungs and she will be having surgery on Monday. Please keep her in your prayers. After, we went to Hannah's to tell her the news and hung out there for a few hours.
Friday night was the freeway series at Angels stadium. I took Angie, Joy, and Brittany. Angels lost....terribly. But they definitely redeemed themselves the next night where it was Weaver vs Kershaw. Great game!!!! And we were in the first row behind home plate. Amazing experience!!!!! Hannah and I took our dads to the game. Happy Father's day/57th Birthday to Daddy Ford. His birthday is tomorrow and him and Monica are in Hawaii celebrating this week. Jealous.
Sunday, Anthony and I went to Christian Assembly then had dinner at Cheesecake Factory with my dad and Monica. Monday, I spent the 4th with Anthony's family. First, over at his house with his mom's side of the family. Then went to his dad's house. It was quite the experience...that's all I'll say about that. Lol I did have a good time. There's a first time for everything... A scary first time. bahaha
Tuesday, we picked up the tile for the house. Yesterday was a busy day. Remodeling of the house started. I had a ton of errands to run. Then we went to disneyland with Twyla and Brian. It was hot, but we had a great time! :)))
Sometimes it's hard to believe that this is really my life. For the last week, every time I wake up I feel like I'm still in a dream. I have been praying and hoping for all these wonderful things to happen for a very long time, and I feel overwhelmingly blessed as I see them unfold right in front of my eyes. God has given me a second chance. I must take these opportunities and do good with them, otherwise they will go to waste! "A few years ago I couldn't have imagined something like this ever happening to me. A few years later I can't imagine if this never happened to me." I heard Rob Bell say this at his tour I went to a couple years ago. It's so true, every part of it. I used to be so mad that I had cancer. This wasn't supposed to happen to young outgoing adventurous girls like me. I constantly wished I could go back to the girl I was before the cancer, before the surgeries, before the scratchy voice and paralysis. I hated meeting new people. They won't know me. They don't know who I used to be. I'm nothing. Those thoughts were a constant reminder that I would never be who I used to.
But when I look at the life I have now.....oh, it was so worth the wait, it was so worth the growth, it was so worth the journey. Once I became completely honest with myself and the people around me, and the joy of life came into my daily walk, I no longer felt bad about the old life I used to have. This is who I am now, and I wouldn't change the last 6 years for anything. I can't imagine how my life would be today had this not happened to me. The friends I have right now are one of the best gifts God has ever given me. Most of them didn't know me pre-cancer, and they don't care. It's about right here and now, and how you use your experiences to help others and share God's love. I wouldn't have made it through the last year, let alone the last six months, without these amazing friends. God is using me in their lives as well as He is using them in mine. "I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I; send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8)
And what about love? It has found it's way back. It is letting me start over. We don't often get that chance, and when you do you must look at life differently, otherwise, you will fall back into the same old habits. Love has been hard to hold on to. Love was something I avoided for many years. Giving yourself over to someone and allowing them to see your vulnerability can be a very fearful task, not only in a relationship, but in friendships as well. It's give and take, and sometimes a lot of hard work, but how boring would life be if everything was perfect. We learn and we grow and we change, and we must have patience to allow our loved ones to do the same. If you have the patience...something beautiful can come of it.
Thank you for having the patience. <3
Happy Birthday to my best friend Danielle!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you Sultry French Toast Kitten :P
And yesterday was Hannah's 1 year mark of being diagnosed with Osteosarcoma! What a year!! This is what she had to say:Hannah Komai "A year ago today my life changed for forever. It's amazing how much can happen in a year. Between chemo, surgery, doctors appointments, and a new life...I honestly wouldn't take it back. Along with all the bad things, the friendships and relationships I've formed are irreplaceable. To all my fellow cancer patients, keep fighting. ♥"
I know, I know, it's been a while since I last updated this thing. I've been really busy, but good busy. :)
Had lunch with my gramma and sherry last week. Gramma's bday was the day of Hannah's first pitch so I took her out on Thursday. Caught up with Sherry (home school teacher during my treatments) the day before. We never have enough time to cover everything, so we had to make another date soon. Lol. After lunch was the Rihanna concert at the Honda Center. I've never been to a concert like that before. It was sooo good though.
Thursday, we visited Reggie in the hospital to get the info for her surgery coming up. Her scans showed growth of the tumors in her lungs and she will be having surgery on Monday. Please keep her in your prayers. After, we went to Hannah's to tell her the news and hung out there for a few hours.
Friday night was the freeway series at Angels stadium. I took Angie, Joy, and Brittany. Angels lost....terribly. But they definitely redeemed themselves the next night where it was Weaver vs Kershaw. Great game!!!! And we were in the first row behind home plate. Amazing experience!!!!! Hannah and I took our dads to the game. Happy Father's day/57th Birthday to Daddy Ford. His birthday is tomorrow and him and Monica are in Hawaii celebrating this week. Jealous.
Sunday, Anthony and I went to Christian Assembly then had dinner at Cheesecake Factory with my dad and Monica. Monday, I spent the 4th with Anthony's family. First, over at his house with his mom's side of the family. Then went to his dad's house. It was quite the experience...that's all I'll say about that. Lol I did have a good time. There's a first time for everything... A scary first time. bahaha
Tuesday, we picked up the tile for the house. Yesterday was a busy day. Remodeling of the house started. I had a ton of errands to run. Then we went to disneyland with Twyla and Brian. It was hot, but we had a great time! :)))
Sometimes it's hard to believe that this is really my life. For the last week, every time I wake up I feel like I'm still in a dream. I have been praying and hoping for all these wonderful things to happen for a very long time, and I feel overwhelmingly blessed as I see them unfold right in front of my eyes. God has given me a second chance. I must take these opportunities and do good with them, otherwise they will go to waste! "A few years ago I couldn't have imagined something like this ever happening to me. A few years later I can't imagine if this never happened to me." I heard Rob Bell say this at his tour I went to a couple years ago. It's so true, every part of it. I used to be so mad that I had cancer. This wasn't supposed to happen to young outgoing adventurous girls like me. I constantly wished I could go back to the girl I was before the cancer, before the surgeries, before the scratchy voice and paralysis. I hated meeting new people. They won't know me. They don't know who I used to be. I'm nothing. Those thoughts were a constant reminder that I would never be who I used to.
But when I look at the life I have now.....oh, it was so worth the wait, it was so worth the growth, it was so worth the journey. Once I became completely honest with myself and the people around me, and the joy of life came into my daily walk, I no longer felt bad about the old life I used to have. This is who I am now, and I wouldn't change the last 6 years for anything. I can't imagine how my life would be today had this not happened to me. The friends I have right now are one of the best gifts God has ever given me. Most of them didn't know me pre-cancer, and they don't care. It's about right here and now, and how you use your experiences to help others and share God's love. I wouldn't have made it through the last year, let alone the last six months, without these amazing friends. God is using me in their lives as well as He is using them in mine. "I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I; send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8)
And what about love? It has found it's way back. It is letting me start over. We don't often get that chance, and when you do you must look at life differently, otherwise, you will fall back into the same old habits. Love has been hard to hold on to. Love was something I avoided for many years. Giving yourself over to someone and allowing them to see your vulnerability can be a very fearful task, not only in a relationship, but in friendships as well. It's give and take, and sometimes a lot of hard work, but how boring would life be if everything was perfect. We learn and we grow and we change, and we must have patience to allow our loved ones to do the same. If you have the patience...something beautiful can come of it.
Thank you for having the patience. <3
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Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Hannah, me, & Jessica
12:50am
Soooo much to write about!
Sunday was the Dodgers game against the Angels that Hannah threw the first pitch out on. It was the last day of the ThinkCure! Weekend raising money for cancer research for City of Hope and Children's Hospital Los Angeles. Hannah was representing City of Hope and threw out the first pitch to her dad, Neil. Not going to lie, I got really emotional. So proud of that girl, and she was such a trooper with how exhausting that day was for everyone, but 10 times more for her. We were out on the field for about an hour before the game even started. It was very hot since it was an afternoon game, but she pushed through the constant standing around and doing interviews with a huge smile on her face. She got to meet a few of the players and Dodger legends. Very very cool.
Yesterday I did some things around the house and then went out with my friend Cesar for a few hours because he is moving out of state tomorrow. I've hung out with friends before that know sign language and know that people will look at us signing, but I really noticed it yesterday. It was still fun though.
Busy day today. I had doctor appointment in the morning. Then I was asked to go to CHLA to meet a 13 year old girl that was just recently diagnosed with a rare incurable cancer. The family has been very overwhelmed and a friend of mine thought it would be nice if I could sit down with them and answer any questions they might have. The girl's name is Maddie. I only got to talk to her for a little while because she was heavily medicated and drifting in and out of sleep. I showed her some of my scars and pictures of when I was in the hospital and pictures of me with Reggie and Hannah being goofy. She's very bubbly when she was awake. Funny little thing. There she was lying in a hospital bed with fractures all down her spine and wearing a neck brace, but when she saw the pictures of me in the hospital she made weird sounds when she saw me all bandaged up and said she felt sorry for me. Haha.. I just laughed. I visited her on the fourth floor....I hadn't been up there in 5 years since I was transferred there from St. Vincent Hospital. It's a very different feeling being on the other end of things. No wonder I didn't have very many visitors when I was there. It's kind of a scary environment.
She very much reminded me of Brielle. But I wasn't scared today...not anymore. Being there today just confirmed how much I really want to do this with my life, helping kids and young adults with cancer.
Please send out your prayers to the Cowgill family. Pray for:
-Maddie's pain
-A cure...a successful treatment
-Strength for Maddie, as well as her family
-She will get her Make A Wish
-A long a healthy life when she beats this disease!
Went to the Angels game tonight with Krystal. She's so crazy. Lol.. She almost got hit by a foul ball. It was just inches away from hitting her. The whole game she kept saying how she wanted to catch a foul ball and all the sly ways she could catch it. Then this ball is heading right toward her and she starts screaming like a little girl. HI-larious.
Pictures to come. I'm too exhausted to post them tonight.
Soooo much to write about!
Sunday was the Dodgers game against the Angels that Hannah threw the first pitch out on. It was the last day of the ThinkCure! Weekend raising money for cancer research for City of Hope and Children's Hospital Los Angeles. Hannah was representing City of Hope and threw out the first pitch to her dad, Neil. Not going to lie, I got really emotional. So proud of that girl, and she was such a trooper with how exhausting that day was for everyone, but 10 times more for her. We were out on the field for about an hour before the game even started. It was very hot since it was an afternoon game, but she pushed through the constant standing around and doing interviews with a huge smile on her face. She got to meet a few of the players and Dodger legends. Very very cool.
Yesterday I did some things around the house and then went out with my friend Cesar for a few hours because he is moving out of state tomorrow. I've hung out with friends before that know sign language and know that people will look at us signing, but I really noticed it yesterday. It was still fun though.
Busy day today. I had doctor appointment in the morning. Then I was asked to go to CHLA to meet a 13 year old girl that was just recently diagnosed with a rare incurable cancer. The family has been very overwhelmed and a friend of mine thought it would be nice if I could sit down with them and answer any questions they might have. The girl's name is Maddie. I only got to talk to her for a little while because she was heavily medicated and drifting in and out of sleep. I showed her some of my scars and pictures of when I was in the hospital and pictures of me with Reggie and Hannah being goofy. She's very bubbly when she was awake. Funny little thing. There she was lying in a hospital bed with fractures all down her spine and wearing a neck brace, but when she saw the pictures of me in the hospital she made weird sounds when she saw me all bandaged up and said she felt sorry for me. Haha.. I just laughed. I visited her on the fourth floor....I hadn't been up there in 5 years since I was transferred there from St. Vincent Hospital. It's a very different feeling being on the other end of things. No wonder I didn't have very many visitors when I was there. It's kind of a scary environment.
She very much reminded me of Brielle. But I wasn't scared today...not anymore. Being there today just confirmed how much I really want to do this with my life, helping kids and young adults with cancer.
Please send out your prayers to the Cowgill family. Pray for:
-Maddie's pain
-A cure...a successful treatment
-Strength for Maddie, as well as her family
-She will get her Make A Wish
-A long a healthy life when she beats this disease!
Went to the Angels game tonight with Krystal. She's so crazy. Lol.. She almost got hit by a foul ball. It was just inches away from hitting her. The whole game she kept saying how she wanted to catch a foul ball and all the sly ways she could catch it. Then this ball is heading right toward her and she starts screaming like a little girl. HI-larious.
Pictures to come. I'm too exhausted to post them tonight.
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near? And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise? When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. It's not our home. :)
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Sunday, June 26, 2011
1:19am
God's timing is beautiful...and worth the wait.
God's timing is beautiful...and worth the wait.
"Oh, she's losing faith in what she knows. Hates her music, hates all of her clothes. Thinks of surgery, and a new nose. Every calorie is a war. And while she wishes she was a dancer! And that she never heard of CANCER! She wishes God would give her some answers, and make her feel beautiful.......I, REMEMBER FEELING LOW. AND I, REMEMBER LOSING HOPE. AND I, REMEMBER ALL THE FEELINGS AND THE DAY THEY STOPPED!" :D
Life is good. God is great.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
2:56pm
It's been a fun week. This will be a great summer, I can already tell. I need a mini-vaycay though! Havasu, please!
Last night I went to a fair well/good luck party for a friend (Cesar) and his roommate. They will be moving next week to live in Washington for a month, then off to Washington DC to go to Gallaudet University, one of the biggest and BEST schools for the deaf. So proud of them. There were a lot of familiar faces, many people from Mt. SAC, and a few people that went to the beach on Wednesday. Stayed till about 12:30am once it started to get out of control. Lol. Deaf parties are the best. Twyla sat in the pool for a little bit and when she got out she ran over and gave Sandon a wet hug. Brian, her boyfriend, and I knew revenge was coming. Haha.. And eventually, sure enough he threw her in the pool and he went with her, him in his clothes and her in her bathing suit. It was a fun party. Cesar had at least 20 beer bottle caps in his pocket when I left. Funny guy. Oh, and the night ended pretty well too. ;)
It's been a fun week. This will be a great summer, I can already tell. I need a mini-vaycay though! Havasu, please!
Last night I went to a fair well/good luck party for a friend (Cesar) and his roommate. They will be moving next week to live in Washington for a month, then off to Washington DC to go to Gallaudet University, one of the biggest and BEST schools for the deaf. So proud of them. There were a lot of familiar faces, many people from Mt. SAC, and a few people that went to the beach on Wednesday. Stayed till about 12:30am once it started to get out of control. Lol. Deaf parties are the best. Twyla sat in the pool for a little bit and when she got out she ran over and gave Sandon a wet hug. Brian, her boyfriend, and I knew revenge was coming. Haha.. And eventually, sure enough he threw her in the pool and he went with her, him in his clothes and her in her bathing suit. It was a fun party. Cesar had at least 20 beer bottle caps in his pocket when I left. Funny guy. Oh, and the night ended pretty well too. ;)
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. -2 Corinthians 12:7-10 :D
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The early birds
3:26pm
Yesterday was amazing!!!!! We had a beach day at Huntington with a lot of our mt sac sign classmates and our deaf friends. Plus some of our SHP friends... Lol. We got to the beach around 1:00pm. There was a little bit of drama before finding a pit, but once we got settled down it was a fun day! Met some awesome people. Can't wait to do it again. I miss seeing these people all the time!!! We didn't leave till around 11. Much talking with an old friend after everyone left...
Lots of pictures. Enjoy. :)
Yesterday was amazing!!!!! We had a beach day at Huntington with a lot of our mt sac sign classmates and our deaf friends. Plus some of our SHP friends... Lol. We got to the beach around 1:00pm. There was a little bit of drama before finding a pit, but once we got settled down it was a fun day! Met some awesome people. Can't wait to do it again. I miss seeing these people all the time!!! We didn't leave till around 11. Much talking with an old friend after everyone left...
Lots of pictures. Enjoy. :)
A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is. When I`m older and my little girl asks me who my first love was, I don`t want to have to pull out the old photo album. I want to be able to point across the room and say, "He is sitting right over there."
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
10:50am
Summer is finally here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday was wonderful! We went to Paramount Ranch where we held a photoshoot..................for my book cover!!! And to celebrate 5 years of life. This was all supposed to take place on April 20, my anniversary of being diagnosed, but as you all know, I dislocated my hip April 16th and had a full hip replacement surgery on April 20 instead. Funny how things work out. God has a sense of humor. So anyways, that is my big news. Might not be too exciting for all of you, but I'm very excited and Eileen and I had been planning this for months. I went to high school with Eileen. She is the sweetest girl around! I cheered with her when I was a freshman. She was in my stunt group with Melissa, Monica, and me. We had some great times, but the three of us, plus everyone else in our grade but one, dropped out of cheer after one year. Lol. (see picture below).
So Eileen does photoshoots on the side now and she is very talented. Here is a sneak peak of what we did yesterday. ANd I will post her website so you can all check out her beautiful work. She was so patient and understanding when we had to end the shoot early because I was having migraines and felt lightheaded. Then I started throwing up, and she had to drive my car while I puked in my chemo bin the entire drive back to Temple City. She took me over to Hannah's house where Hannah cleaned off her bed and brought me water and let me rest off the vomiting till I was able to drive home.
Not exactly how I wanted the day to end, but I definitely won't ever forget it..hahaha
http://www.eileenliuphotography.com/
^^^^^^ Eileen's website.
Thank you so much Leen!
Summer is finally here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday was wonderful! We went to Paramount Ranch where we held a photoshoot..................for my book cover!!! And to celebrate 5 years of life. This was all supposed to take place on April 20, my anniversary of being diagnosed, but as you all know, I dislocated my hip April 16th and had a full hip replacement surgery on April 20 instead. Funny how things work out. God has a sense of humor. So anyways, that is my big news. Might not be too exciting for all of you, but I'm very excited and Eileen and I had been planning this for months. I went to high school with Eileen. She is the sweetest girl around! I cheered with her when I was a freshman. She was in my stunt group with Melissa, Monica, and me. We had some great times, but the three of us, plus everyone else in our grade but one, dropped out of cheer after one year. Lol. (see picture below).
So Eileen does photoshoots on the side now and she is very talented. Here is a sneak peak of what we did yesterday. ANd I will post her website so you can all check out her beautiful work. She was so patient and understanding when we had to end the shoot early because I was having migraines and felt lightheaded. Then I started throwing up, and she had to drive my car while I puked in my chemo bin the entire drive back to Temple City. She took me over to Hannah's house where Hannah cleaned off her bed and brought me water and let me rest off the vomiting till I was able to drive home.
Not exactly how I wanted the day to end, but I definitely won't ever forget it..hahaha
http://www.eileenliuphotography.com/
^^^^^^ Eileen's website.
Thank you so much Leen!
Monday, June 20, 2011
11:12am
Went to dad's house for Father's Day where there were about 10 of us celebrating (aka: pigging out). I met this amazing woman, Michelle, who is also a cancer survivor. When everyone left it was just Monica (Dad's wife) and me at the house and we sat around and talked for about 5 to 6 hours. She said, "I think this is the most we've ever talked!" Lol, very true. And it's been 9ish years since her and my dad have been together. It was really really nice. Love her.
It's the big day! That's all you get to know for now! LOL :P I better go get ready. Love you everyone! :)))
Went to dad's house for Father's Day where there were about 10 of us celebrating (aka: pigging out). I met this amazing woman, Michelle, who is also a cancer survivor. When everyone left it was just Monica (Dad's wife) and me at the house and we sat around and talked for about 5 to 6 hours. She said, "I think this is the most we've ever talked!" Lol, very true. And it's been 9ish years since her and my dad have been together. It was really really nice. Love her.
It's the big day! That's all you get to know for now! LOL :P I better go get ready. Love you everyone! :)))
Monday, June 20, 2011
2:02am
I used to make fun of you for rereading things...don't know why I find myself doing the same tonight.
Such a simpler time...
Big day today.. Going to need lots of sleep. ;)
I used to make fun of you for rereading things...don't know why I find myself doing the same tonight.
Such a simpler time...
Big day today.. Going to need lots of sleep. ;)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
8:49pm
So excited for this week! A lot of fun stuff going on and many pictures to come. I will also let you all in on the surprise I've been keeping from everyone for a while now. ;) Stay tuned.
So excited for this week! A lot of fun stuff going on and many pictures to come. I will also let you all in on the surprise I've been keeping from everyone for a while now. ;) Stay tuned.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
9:38am
For about a month I keep having really bad dreams. I'm starting to confuse them with reality because they are so real. It's like everything I worry about comes true while I'm dreaming. Every bad situation I can think of happens in my sleep.
Get rid of these dreams, oh Lord. Better yet, take away these worries. Everything is going to be okay. My life is too wonderful right now to dwell on these things. I love You, Lord. Thank You for all you have given me. I am truly blessed.
For about a month I keep having really bad dreams. I'm starting to confuse them with reality because they are so real. It's like everything I worry about comes true while I'm dreaming. Every bad situation I can think of happens in my sleep.
Get rid of these dreams, oh Lord. Better yet, take away these worries. Everything is going to be okay. My life is too wonderful right now to dwell on these things. I love You, Lord. Thank You for all you have given me. I am truly blessed.
Friday, June 17, 2011
9:48pm
Starting to think I should've listened to my doctor this morning...
Starting to think I should've listened to my doctor this morning...
I wouldn't be alive today without this amazing woman right here.
Monday, June 13, 2011
8:13pm
I'm thinking UCLA...... :)
Oh, and I got some great news today! I'll let you all know soon..
I'm thinking UCLA...... :)
Oh, and I got some great news today! I'll let you all know soon..
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Dreams, that's where I have to go to see your beautiful faces anymore. I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio. Hope, hope there's a conversation where we both admit we had it good, but until then it's alienation, I know. That much is understood. And I realize: if you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine. I would lie and say that you're not on my mind. But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two, and finally I'm forced to face the truth. No matter what I say I'm, not over you.
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"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change!" -MJ
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Let's get outta here!!!
10:24pm
What a busy, but AMAZING week. First off, thanks for everyone that followed my facebook post late last night and prayed like crazy because I slept sooooooooo well! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Prayers again tonight, please. I get to sleep in tomorrow, so I hope I can actually sleep in.
School is out!! Until July 5, that is. I'll be taking a class this summer to get it out of the way because it's a toughy. Kind of a drag, but it's from 7:30-10:10 so I can still go out and have some summer fun after. In the mean time, I plan on going to the river and beach as many times as possible! Gotta work on my tan. ;)
Aced my finals! 99% in the class. I'm pretty happy since I had to miss so much school while I was in the hospital for my surgeries. Thank goodness for only one class this semester. Dropping my others was the best thing I could've done for my health. Everything is working out really well these days and I praise God every minute of everyday for bringing me so much joy.
Spent a lot of time at the hospital this week. It was Hannah's final week of chemo. She finished Friday night. It was an emotional week for her, but she got through it. She's tough. I was in Reggie's room most of the week. Had a lot of good talks with Henry. He did a lot of filming of Reggie and me. I'm trying to get used to it. Lol. He's so crazy! But I love it! We bicker back and forth. Funny stuff.
Hannah was discharged today!!!!!!!!! So was Reggie!!!!!! It was so amazing to be there to see the emotional farewell between Hannah and the City of Hope pediatric staff. Neil, her dad, took video of the entire scene while I snapped away on my camera capturing every moment we could. The staff made a bridge leading to the door for Hannah to go under and as we turned the corner to see them standing there they all started cheering and clapping. Hannah was very emotional, and I was too just watching this beautiful completion of this chapter in her life. God has blessed me with the most relative friendship I have ever had. In no way did I ever feel obligated to be by her side. I am so honored to have been apart of her journey. And I will continue to be as the next chapters unfold. Her family is now my family. They took me in with open arms. The friend I have in Hannah is indescribable. We get each other. And I love her so very much. Thank You, Lord, for bringing this beautiful girl and her family into my life.
What a busy, but AMAZING week. First off, thanks for everyone that followed my facebook post late last night and prayed like crazy because I slept sooooooooo well! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Prayers again tonight, please. I get to sleep in tomorrow, so I hope I can actually sleep in.
School is out!! Until July 5, that is. I'll be taking a class this summer to get it out of the way because it's a toughy. Kind of a drag, but it's from 7:30-10:10 so I can still go out and have some summer fun after. In the mean time, I plan on going to the river and beach as many times as possible! Gotta work on my tan. ;)
Aced my finals! 99% in the class. I'm pretty happy since I had to miss so much school while I was in the hospital for my surgeries. Thank goodness for only one class this semester. Dropping my others was the best thing I could've done for my health. Everything is working out really well these days and I praise God every minute of everyday for bringing me so much joy.
Spent a lot of time at the hospital this week. It was Hannah's final week of chemo. She finished Friday night. It was an emotional week for her, but she got through it. She's tough. I was in Reggie's room most of the week. Had a lot of good talks with Henry. He did a lot of filming of Reggie and me. I'm trying to get used to it. Lol. He's so crazy! But I love it! We bicker back and forth. Funny stuff.
Hannah was discharged today!!!!!!!!! So was Reggie!!!!!! It was so amazing to be there to see the emotional farewell between Hannah and the City of Hope pediatric staff. Neil, her dad, took video of the entire scene while I snapped away on my camera capturing every moment we could. The staff made a bridge leading to the door for Hannah to go under and as we turned the corner to see them standing there they all started cheering and clapping. Hannah was very emotional, and I was too just watching this beautiful completion of this chapter in her life. God has blessed me with the most relative friendship I have ever had. In no way did I ever feel obligated to be by her side. I am so honored to have been apart of her journey. And I will continue to be as the next chapters unfold. Her family is now my family. They took me in with open arms. The friend I have in Hannah is indescribable. We get each other. And I love her so very much. Thank You, Lord, for bringing this beautiful girl and her family into my life.
Picture time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
1:50am
Nurse Nathalie to Hannah, "I don't know anyone who is stronger than you."
Hannah points to me.
"I've never talked with someone who has gone through so many changes in such a short amount of time. It's encouraging." -Henry Corra
Thank you Henry. I loved sharing stories with you tonight. You said so many kind things about me and my journey, and it has been an honor getting to know you. You're such a blessing in Reggie's life, and mine. I am so glad she has you looking after her. And The Reggie Project is going to be absolutely amazing when it's all done. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Reggie-Project/154081551295616
Just got home from the hospital. It's been a long day and I'm exhausted, but such wonderful interactions took place with the people I was around today. My dear Hannah is in the middle of her 2nd to last night of chemotherapy. Tomorrow night will be her last one and then she is all done. That girl has been on an emotional roller coaster this week. She was surprisingly alert and awake on Tuesday. Wednesday she started feeling really nauseous so they had her heavily medicated then. Today/Thursday, she was crying off and on. She has come so far and it's finally here, but she's so worried about what comes next. No one understands this transition better than I do, and all I can do is talk her through it and assure her that it will be hard and emotional, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she will reach it. I say it all the time, I love this girl so much and I can't even imagine a future without her in my life. In less than a year we have become best friends and have an understanding with each other that not many others will ever get.
Hannah, I will be here for you more than ever during this next stage of your life. People will start to think that you are all better because you are finally done with chemo, but I know that the life after treatment is the hardest part. You are my cancer sister for life, and I love you so much. You're going to get through this. You're going to be fine.
I spent a lot of time with Reggie and Henry today. But I mostly was just talking to Henry while Reggie was knocked out or at rec therapy. We talked about nearly everything, trading life stories and experiences with each other, and talking about Reggie here and there. When he told me how he's never met anyone who has changed so much in just a matter of months, but saw all that in me I knew I had done it. I'm doing it. To have an outsider know everything about the situation and see the transition happening right in front of them take notice of that in me is a self celebration, I think. I've worked so dang hard to get to where I am right now. Some may think it's impossible for people to change, and some may think that no one can change their life in just a matter of months. I say, look at me, talk to the people around me, ask them if they see it. You don't make changes by telling yourself to change. You make changes by asking for help, taking action, and being open and honest to the ones around you. It's a commitment. It's dedication. I did that, and I'm happier for it. I wouldn't change one thing about my life or the way things played out. I wouldn't be the woman I am today had my life took another turn.
Nurse Nathalie to Hannah, "I don't know anyone who is stronger than you."
Hannah points to me.
"I've never talked with someone who has gone through so many changes in such a short amount of time. It's encouraging." -Henry Corra
Thank you Henry. I loved sharing stories with you tonight. You said so many kind things about me and my journey, and it has been an honor getting to know you. You're such a blessing in Reggie's life, and mine. I am so glad she has you looking after her. And The Reggie Project is going to be absolutely amazing when it's all done. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Reggie-Project/154081551295616
Just got home from the hospital. It's been a long day and I'm exhausted, but such wonderful interactions took place with the people I was around today. My dear Hannah is in the middle of her 2nd to last night of chemotherapy. Tomorrow night will be her last one and then she is all done. That girl has been on an emotional roller coaster this week. She was surprisingly alert and awake on Tuesday. Wednesday she started feeling really nauseous so they had her heavily medicated then. Today/Thursday, she was crying off and on. She has come so far and it's finally here, but she's so worried about what comes next. No one understands this transition better than I do, and all I can do is talk her through it and assure her that it will be hard and emotional, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she will reach it. I say it all the time, I love this girl so much and I can't even imagine a future without her in my life. In less than a year we have become best friends and have an understanding with each other that not many others will ever get.
Hannah, I will be here for you more than ever during this next stage of your life. People will start to think that you are all better because you are finally done with chemo, but I know that the life after treatment is the hardest part. You are my cancer sister for life, and I love you so much. You're going to get through this. You're going to be fine.
I spent a lot of time with Reggie and Henry today. But I mostly was just talking to Henry while Reggie was knocked out or at rec therapy. We talked about nearly everything, trading life stories and experiences with each other, and talking about Reggie here and there. When he told me how he's never met anyone who has changed so much in just a matter of months, but saw all that in me I knew I had done it. I'm doing it. To have an outsider know everything about the situation and see the transition happening right in front of them take notice of that in me is a self celebration, I think. I've worked so dang hard to get to where I am right now. Some may think it's impossible for people to change, and some may think that no one can change their life in just a matter of months. I say, look at me, talk to the people around me, ask them if they see it. You don't make changes by telling yourself to change. You make changes by asking for help, taking action, and being open and honest to the ones around you. It's a commitment. It's dedication. I did that, and I'm happier for it. I wouldn't change one thing about my life or the way things played out. I wouldn't be the woman I am today had my life took another turn.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
11:49pm
I am blessed. And life is good. :)
Thank You, Lord.
I am blessed. And life is good. :)
Thank You, Lord.
I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holdin' you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow...
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burnin' so bright
No, I don't want to mess this thing up
No, I don't want to push too far
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
9:30pm
It's Hannah's last week of chemo!!!!!!!! Yesterday was the first day, and she'll get it every day till after Friday. I spent the night with her last night, and for some reason I always sleep better here than I do in my own bed. Haha... Must be a comfort thing. She conked out right after she got her pre-meds and slept through the night. She's been awake and alert all day today and I just can't believe it! This is her bad chemo week when she gets it 5 days in a row and she's usually so out of it all week and doesn't remember a thing. She's been perky and awake all day, doing crafts, watching tv, hanging out with friends, and has been able to eat. Gosh, I'm so proud of her and so thankful that she is not completely nauseous to the point where they need to drug her so much to sleep through it. Reggie is also in here for chemo this week so we've all been hanging out, as usual.
Hoping to go to the beach a couple times this week and then off to the river this weekend. :)
It's Hannah's last week of chemo!!!!!!!! Yesterday was the first day, and she'll get it every day till after Friday. I spent the night with her last night, and for some reason I always sleep better here than I do in my own bed. Haha... Must be a comfort thing. She conked out right after she got her pre-meds and slept through the night. She's been awake and alert all day today and I just can't believe it! This is her bad chemo week when she gets it 5 days in a row and she's usually so out of it all week and doesn't remember a thing. She's been perky and awake all day, doing crafts, watching tv, hanging out with friends, and has been able to eat. Gosh, I'm so proud of her and so thankful that she is not completely nauseous to the point where they need to drug her so much to sleep through it. Reggie is also in here for chemo this week so we've all been hanging out, as usual.
Hoping to go to the beach a couple times this week and then off to the river this weekend. :)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
4:10pm
You will never call me a "bitch" ever again because we are done. Until you fix all the issues you have and practice some self-control I do not want you poisoning my life anymore. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE if only ONE of us is doing all the work! And I'm sorry, but I can't carry you anymore. You bring me down. Your immediate apologies mean nothing to me. They don't cover up the damage you have already done! "Sorry" means absolutely nothing unless you back it up and change. For 21 years you have not changed. I don't believe anything you say anymore. You love me to pieces and are so proud of me one day and the next day you're calling me a "fucking bitch." I can't take it! And we were doing so well! You had to go and ruin it, AGAIN.
I don't care that everyone sees what I have to put up with because maybe now they will see why our relationship has been on eggshells for the last 8 years.
I know who I am. I finally love who I am. You can't touch that. It's mine, and I worked so very hard to get here.
I love you, but I can't be around you until you change.
You will never call me a "bitch" ever again because we are done. Until you fix all the issues you have and practice some self-control I do not want you poisoning my life anymore. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE if only ONE of us is doing all the work! And I'm sorry, but I can't carry you anymore. You bring me down. Your immediate apologies mean nothing to me. They don't cover up the damage you have already done! "Sorry" means absolutely nothing unless you back it up and change. For 21 years you have not changed. I don't believe anything you say anymore. You love me to pieces and are so proud of me one day and the next day you're calling me a "fucking bitch." I can't take it! And we were doing so well! You had to go and ruin it, AGAIN.
I don't care that everyone sees what I have to put up with because maybe now they will see why our relationship has been on eggshells for the last 8 years.
I know who I am. I finally love who I am. You can't touch that. It's mine, and I worked so very hard to get here.
I love you, but I can't be around you until you change.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
10:47pm
All my cards are on the table. I put myself out there. I always do...because I don't want to dwell on my yesterdays wondering "what if?" So I may get hurt. I may lose friendships/relationships. I may set myself up for failure. But I'll know that I did everything I possibly could with the opportunities I was given, and that's good enough for me.
You live and you learn, but you must LIVE to learn. You must work hard to conquer your goals. You must have times of testing and loss. You must have highs and lows. Because that is how you learn, that is how you make yourself better. You don't learn, you don't grow, and you don't improve your life when everything is just handed to you. The strong ones are living their lives. You don't become strong until you get past those hurdles. Those achievements confirm that you deserve better. And when you are not satisfied just going through the motions, you will take this life God has given you and make a difference in the world no matter how big or small that may mean to you.
Some people never get there. Some people are happy with the same daily routine week after week. Some people take the easy way out and don't step up to the challenge. That doesn't make them a bad person. We all have those people in our lives. They are still family or friends or significant others or maybe even yourself. We still love them.
My theory is that you should never live a life of comfort. We must take chances and seize opportunities because life is short! It could all be gone tomorrow. So it becomes your choice. Are you satisfied with the way things are, or will you do everything you possibly can to achieve greatness?
I choose greatness.
All my cards are on the table. I put myself out there. I always do...because I don't want to dwell on my yesterdays wondering "what if?" So I may get hurt. I may lose friendships/relationships. I may set myself up for failure. But I'll know that I did everything I possibly could with the opportunities I was given, and that's good enough for me.
You live and you learn, but you must LIVE to learn. You must work hard to conquer your goals. You must have times of testing and loss. You must have highs and lows. Because that is how you learn, that is how you make yourself better. You don't learn, you don't grow, and you don't improve your life when everything is just handed to you. The strong ones are living their lives. You don't become strong until you get past those hurdles. Those achievements confirm that you deserve better. And when you are not satisfied just going through the motions, you will take this life God has given you and make a difference in the world no matter how big or small that may mean to you.
Some people never get there. Some people are happy with the same daily routine week after week. Some people take the easy way out and don't step up to the challenge. That doesn't make them a bad person. We all have those people in our lives. They are still family or friends or significant others or maybe even yourself. We still love them.
My theory is that you should never live a life of comfort. We must take chances and seize opportunities because life is short! It could all be gone tomorrow. So it becomes your choice. Are you satisfied with the way things are, or will you do everything you possibly can to achieve greatness?
I choose greatness.
This song ^^^ has been stuck in my head for 2 weeks! Can't get enough!
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"She taught me how to smile when things get rough. I've got her spirit, and she's always got my back. When I look at her I think, I wanna be just like that. When I love I give it all I got like my mother does! When I'm scared I bow my head and pray like my mother does! When I feel weak and unpretty, I know I'm beautiful and strong because I see myself like my mother does."
I love you, Mom! |
These girls are my life...
Oh yeah, and Henry too :P
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"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." -Joshua J. Marine
Thursday, June 2, 2011
10:02pm
Listening to her talk to him on the phone just breaks my heart. Oh how I've been there... Don't hurt her.
Listening to her talk to him on the phone just breaks my heart. Oh how I've been there... Don't hurt her.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
9:19pm
The clean-up finally finished today. Now on to the remodeling...
The clean-up finally finished today. Now on to the remodeling...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Femino and I after my appointment :P
4:15pm
Hannah was admitted around 2:30am today. She has really bad mouth sores and hadn't been able to eat all day. When I visited her this morning after my City of Hope appointments she was finally eating after 36 hours or so. Hopefully she will only be in for a couple days.
I had my 2nd post-op appointment today. Well, first I had to have a bunch of x-rays taken, then I had my appointment with Femino. I said I would do it, and I did. I wore heels to my appointment just to piss him off. Lol. He didn't even notice them until he asked me to walk. He said his doctorly advice is to stay with flats, but knew I probably wouldn't do that. He asked about physical therapy and I told him I canceled it. He seemed to be okay with all of this because he was absolutely shocked at how fast I have recovered and how great I look. I'm sure he gave himself a pat on the back for his good work. hahahha... He showed me the x-rays and I definitely have some new hardware in there, including three screws going into my hip. Because of how well I'm doing he scheduled our next appointment for a year! That's so crazy and so awesome! He was the most caring I had ever seen him, genuinely so happy that all my pain is gone, and praised me for having such a good attitude and a smile on my face through all of this. All my doctors today told me how great it is to see me doing so well and that smiling has made me heal faster than ever.
It's been a great day. I walked out of my appointment with Femino, and he never even mentioned the brace that I was "supposed" to get off today. I guess I was doing so well that he didn't even notice I wasn't wearing it. Lol.. Too funny
Praise God for taking all my pain away. :D
Hannah was admitted around 2:30am today. She has really bad mouth sores and hadn't been able to eat all day. When I visited her this morning after my City of Hope appointments she was finally eating after 36 hours or so. Hopefully she will only be in for a couple days.
I had my 2nd post-op appointment today. Well, first I had to have a bunch of x-rays taken, then I had my appointment with Femino. I said I would do it, and I did. I wore heels to my appointment just to piss him off. Lol. He didn't even notice them until he asked me to walk. He said his doctorly advice is to stay with flats, but knew I probably wouldn't do that. He asked about physical therapy and I told him I canceled it. He seemed to be okay with all of this because he was absolutely shocked at how fast I have recovered and how great I look. I'm sure he gave himself a pat on the back for his good work. hahahha... He showed me the x-rays and I definitely have some new hardware in there, including three screws going into my hip. Because of how well I'm doing he scheduled our next appointment for a year! That's so crazy and so awesome! He was the most caring I had ever seen him, genuinely so happy that all my pain is gone, and praised me for having such a good attitude and a smile on my face through all of this. All my doctors today told me how great it is to see me doing so well and that smiling has made me heal faster than ever.
It's been a great day. I walked out of my appointment with Femino, and he never even mentioned the brace that I was "supposed" to get off today. I guess I was doing so well that he didn't even notice I wasn't wearing it. Lol.. Too funny
Praise God for taking all my pain away. :D
Monday, May 30, 2011
1:57am
Okay!! Finally uploaded photos from the last 6 weeks. Enjoy :]
Not going to let a hip replacement get in the way of having fun. Have I mentioned how blessed I am? Praise God.
Okay!! Finally uploaded photos from the last 6 weeks. Enjoy :]
Not going to let a hip replacement get in the way of having fun. Have I mentioned how blessed I am? Praise God.
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11:34pm -- Check out my scar!!!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
10:53pm
Both of my girls are home for the week! Praise the Lord! They're giving Hannah the week off before her last chemo to recuperate and so she can go to the COH picnic. Reggie finally got to go home after being in the hospital for weeks with all sorts of infections and problems. She gets the week off and then will be back for her next round of chemo. Please pray that she does not have to go back to the hospital this week!! She hasn't even had a full day at home in over a month.
So excited to spend some time with BOTH of them outside of the hospital. :)))
Both of my girls are home for the week! Praise the Lord! They're giving Hannah the week off before her last chemo to recuperate and so she can go to the COH picnic. Reggie finally got to go home after being in the hospital for weeks with all sorts of infections and problems. She gets the week off and then will be back for her next round of chemo. Please pray that she does not have to go back to the hospital this week!! She hasn't even had a full day at home in over a month.
So excited to spend some time with BOTH of them outside of the hospital. :)))
"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone, and then I fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone...because what if you learn that you need love...and then you don't have it? What if you like it, and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This--it could go on forever..."
Strong, strong as a mountain, one you can count on
That's how my love is for you
Sure as forever we'll be together
Til the sky's no longer blue
I know it won't always be easy
When we need to be strong, baby believe me
I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES
To hold on to your love
Swim every ocean
If that's no enough
Walk to the ends of the earth
Through the cold pouring rain
To hold on to your love
I'll do whatever it takes
Saturday, May 28, 2011
He is always there to hold my hand...
11:37am
I believe in miracles. I believe my God is going to provide for me. All the worries of things I may not be able to have…He will find a way. He will take care of me. His timing is perfect. I must always keep that in mind. The struggles I had yesterday will bring joy tomorrow. My God is good. He knows my goals. He knows my needs. He knows my heart. He will make it happen.
He has pulled me through the darkest days of my life. He has brought me to the state I am in now, a beautiful and amazing feeling of contentment. How did I get so lucky? The glass is half full. I thank Him for every loss, every struggle, and every test…because those things have made me who I am today.
Many people have asked me if I could go back in time and change things, would I? I honestly and wholeheartedly wouldn’t. Our past shapes our lives for the future. It changes us. It makes us better. We learn, and we grow. Love lost, and love found. He has a plan. What I have been through lets me know that God has so many wonderful things in store for me.
I look at all I have right now, and I have never been happier. My life is a miracle, so how could I not believe? He is already providing. He is already using me. I will soar on wings like eagles…
I believe in miracles. I believe my God is going to provide for me. All the worries of things I may not be able to have…He will find a way. He will take care of me. His timing is perfect. I must always keep that in mind. The struggles I had yesterday will bring joy tomorrow. My God is good. He knows my goals. He knows my needs. He knows my heart. He will make it happen.
He has pulled me through the darkest days of my life. He has brought me to the state I am in now, a beautiful and amazing feeling of contentment. How did I get so lucky? The glass is half full. I thank Him for every loss, every struggle, and every test…because those things have made me who I am today.
Many people have asked me if I could go back in time and change things, would I? I honestly and wholeheartedly wouldn’t. Our past shapes our lives for the future. It changes us. It makes us better. We learn, and we grow. Love lost, and love found. He has a plan. What I have been through lets me know that God has so many wonderful things in store for me.
I look at all I have right now, and I have never been happier. My life is a miracle, so how could I not believe? He is already providing. He is already using me. I will soar on wings like eagles…
Saturday, May 28, 2011
2:02am
I look at the clock, look up, "why are You torturing me?!!??!!! hahahha.."
I look at the clock, look up, "why are You torturing me?!!??!!! hahahha.."
The Story Of my life... ^^^
Friday, May 27, 2011
5:37pm
Well it's definitely been an interesting week... We had a house flood last weekend. It's been a bit of a nightmare. People in and out all week cutting out walls, carpet, cupboards, etc. They've been cleaning and checking for any mold. We finally had a guy over today taking pictures and measurements to come up with some sort of an estimate. Hopefully I will hear back from them today or tomorrow so I don't have to wait till the holiday weekend is over.
It's been a tiring day. Workers have been here since 7am. I didn't go to sleep until after 3am. Then when I woke up I saw that I puked in my sleep all over my comforter. But then I can't clean it up because we aren't supposed to be using too much water upstairs with this darn plumbing issue. It's pretty gross.
Went to a couple baseball games this week. Tuesday with Britt. Wednesday with my mom. Wednesday was the last class meeting of the semester. A little bittersweet. We just played a fun game the entire time. I'm really gonna miss these people over the summer. And well, I won't be seeing him unless he made an effort to see me.
Went to disneyland with my friends yesterday. Met up with the twins in the evening. It was a lot of fun, but I'm still recovering from exhaustion. Tonight we're going out with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. Gonna be nice to catch up.
I'll post pictures and more updates when I have some spare time. I still don't have any pain and I actually canceled my physical therapy because I don't need it. Such a blessing.
Well it's definitely been an interesting week... We had a house flood last weekend. It's been a bit of a nightmare. People in and out all week cutting out walls, carpet, cupboards, etc. They've been cleaning and checking for any mold. We finally had a guy over today taking pictures and measurements to come up with some sort of an estimate. Hopefully I will hear back from them today or tomorrow so I don't have to wait till the holiday weekend is over.
It's been a tiring day. Workers have been here since 7am. I didn't go to sleep until after 3am. Then when I woke up I saw that I puked in my sleep all over my comforter. But then I can't clean it up because we aren't supposed to be using too much water upstairs with this darn plumbing issue. It's pretty gross.
Went to a couple baseball games this week. Tuesday with Britt. Wednesday with my mom. Wednesday was the last class meeting of the semester. A little bittersweet. We just played a fun game the entire time. I'm really gonna miss these people over the summer. And well, I won't be seeing him unless he made an effort to see me.
Went to disneyland with my friends yesterday. Met up with the twins in the evening. It was a lot of fun, but I'm still recovering from exhaustion. Tonight we're going out with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. Gonna be nice to catch up.
I'll post pictures and more updates when I have some spare time. I still don't have any pain and I actually canceled my physical therapy because I don't need it. Such a blessing.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
1:44am
"I don't know. One day I just woke up and said I have to change. My life has been in God's hands ever since."
Use me. Here am I, Lord! Send me!
"I don't know. One day I just woke up and said I have to change. My life has been in God's hands ever since."
Use me. Here am I, Lord! Send me!
"Summer turned to Winter, and the snow had turned to rain. And the rain turned into tears upon your face. I hardly recognize the girl you are today, and God, I hope it's not too late."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
12:58am
http://amaredesign.tumblr.com/post/5800026856/michelle-ford-as-some-of-you-may-know-i-was-a
From my beautiful dance teacher.
http://amaredesign.tumblr.com/post/5800026856/michelle-ford-as-some-of-you-may-know-i-was-a
From my beautiful dance teacher.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
8:52am
Interesting night. I don't really know what to think right now... Just made things worse.
Interesting night. I don't really know what to think right now... Just made things worse.
Monday, May 23, 2011
9:25pm
Oh the joys of having your own home. We've been dealing with a house flood since Friday. It's been a bit of a nightmare, but almost a blessing in disguise because now I get to remodel and have it covered by insurance. Must stay positive :)
Hannie is on her 2nd to last chemo this week. We're so excited for her to be done. To celebrate, she was surprised by her Dad's wife, Jo, and will be throwing out the first pitch at the Dodgers game June 26th. It is "Think Cure" week. She's really looking forward to it. They will be playing the Angels that day ;) so it'll definitely be a fun day. I'm not sure if they are going to allow me to wear red.... Lol. Gonna have to sneak some Angels gear in.
Oh the joys of having your own home. We've been dealing with a house flood since Friday. It's been a bit of a nightmare, but almost a blessing in disguise because now I get to remodel and have it covered by insurance. Must stay positive :)
Hannie is on her 2nd to last chemo this week. We're so excited for her to be done. To celebrate, she was surprised by her Dad's wife, Jo, and will be throwing out the first pitch at the Dodgers game June 26th. It is "Think Cure" week. She's really looking forward to it. They will be playing the Angels that day ;) so it'll definitely be a fun day. I'm not sure if they are going to allow me to wear red.... Lol. Gonna have to sneak some Angels gear in.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
6:55pm
These moments where Hannah, Reggie, and me are alone in the hospital room sharing our experiences, how much we enjoy the little things in life, and our faith in God are the moments I hope to remember and hold on to for the rest of my life. There’s no judgment. There’s no embarrassment. We can share our ups and downs knowing that at one time or another one of us has felt the same way. I keep saying how thankful I am that God has blessed me with these two beautiful girls, but the truth is He has blessed all three of us. His timing is perfect. And like Hannah said tonight, “I wouldn’t change anything about this experience.” I wouldn’t be lying here in the hospital with my girls feeling so happy and content had my life gone another way. We’re going to be okay, and there is nothing we can’t overcome. Thank You, Lord.
These moments where Hannah, Reggie, and me are alone in the hospital room sharing our experiences, how much we enjoy the little things in life, and our faith in God are the moments I hope to remember and hold on to for the rest of my life. There’s no judgment. There’s no embarrassment. We can share our ups and downs knowing that at one time or another one of us has felt the same way. I keep saying how thankful I am that God has blessed me with these two beautiful girls, but the truth is He has blessed all three of us. His timing is perfect. And like Hannah said tonight, “I wouldn’t change anything about this experience.” I wouldn’t be lying here in the hospital with my girls feeling so happy and content had my life gone another way. We’re going to be okay, and there is nothing we can’t overcome. Thank You, Lord.
8:15pm
Been at the hospital since 6:30 last night. Both my Hannah and my Reggie are admitted so I've been floating back and forth between rooms. I finally got to spend the night with Hannah, it only took 11 months. Lol.. I'm hoping to do it again next week. She has 2 more weeks of chemo, not counting this week. Almost done! Reggie is fighting an infection from her g-tube (feeding tube). I just keep praying this will clear up quick so she can spend a few days at home before her next round of chemo in June. She is feeling a lot better though. Her pain has definitely gotten better. Hannah has had a rough day. She's been emotional and nauseous. I just want to take this all away from them.
Well, I have school tomorrow so I have to sleep at home tonight. I better be on my way.
Been at the hospital since 6:30 last night. Both my Hannah and my Reggie are admitted so I've been floating back and forth between rooms. I finally got to spend the night with Hannah, it only took 11 months. Lol.. I'm hoping to do it again next week. She has 2 more weeks of chemo, not counting this week. Almost done! Reggie is fighting an infection from her g-tube (feeding tube). I just keep praying this will clear up quick so she can spend a few days at home before her next round of chemo in June. She is feeling a lot better though. Her pain has definitely gotten better. Hannah has had a rough day. She's been emotional and nauseous. I just want to take this all away from them.
Well, I have school tomorrow so I have to sleep at home tonight. I better be on my way.
Lexie, "I uh...I am uh...really happy for you. You seem happy."
Mark, "I am. I have everything I always wanted.....almost." -Grey's Anatomy
So so true... ^^^
Mark, "I am. I have everything I always wanted.....almost." -Grey's Anatomy
So so true... ^^^
Friday, May 13, 2011
Reggie being discharged yesterday evening <3
7:26pm
Yesterday was a very busy day. In the morning I went wedding dress shopping for Danielle and Danyel, both getting married in the next year. We went to a small boutique in the Glendora Village for a couple of hours and then to David's Bridal in Montclair. All I had to do was sit there and watch, and yet it completely wiped me out. We didn't leave David's Bridal till 5pm. From there I dropped the girls off at Danyel's house and headed over to COH to see Reggie. When I got there all her things were packed up and she was ready to be discharged. I was so happy for her that she was finally able to go home. She had been in there for weeks dealing with one thing after another. She was so cute, she kept making plans with me to go shopping and have dinner and she kept hugging me. Lol.. I knew she wasn't going to remember a thing about that conversation. She was Hannah-drugged. Hahah.. Anyways, I got to help her youth pastor discharge her and helped get her and her things into the car. Then I was on my way to Pasadena to meet up with an old cheer friend, Eileen. We chatted for a couple of hours mostly about me while she asked questions about my health that she never knew about. She's such a beautiful Christian girl, inside and out. It was so incredibly nice to be able to catch up with her and I hope we can keep that up.
I got home at the same time Ricky did. We talked about his day and then about Harry Potter. Lol.. Then we went over to the computer to watch the trailer for the final movie, he hadn't seen it yet.
I went right to sleep, but woke up early. I tried going back to sleep, but my body still wouldn't let me. I finally had rehab this afternoon. That meant I had to put my brace on that I hadn't been wearing over the last couple of weeks. Wearing it for the 2 hours I did made me have way more pain than not wearing it. I told the therapist I hadn't been wearing it and he said, "I have no idea what you're talking about..." Lol.. As long as my surgeon doesn't know.
I just found out the my dear Reggie was taken in an ambulance this morning to the hospital with an infection. This girl has been through way too much! Please continue to pray for healing and strength for Reggie. God bless.
Yesterday was a very busy day. In the morning I went wedding dress shopping for Danielle and Danyel, both getting married in the next year. We went to a small boutique in the Glendora Village for a couple of hours and then to David's Bridal in Montclair. All I had to do was sit there and watch, and yet it completely wiped me out. We didn't leave David's Bridal till 5pm. From there I dropped the girls off at Danyel's house and headed over to COH to see Reggie. When I got there all her things were packed up and she was ready to be discharged. I was so happy for her that she was finally able to go home. She had been in there for weeks dealing with one thing after another. She was so cute, she kept making plans with me to go shopping and have dinner and she kept hugging me. Lol.. I knew she wasn't going to remember a thing about that conversation. She was Hannah-drugged. Hahah.. Anyways, I got to help her youth pastor discharge her and helped get her and her things into the car. Then I was on my way to Pasadena to meet up with an old cheer friend, Eileen. We chatted for a couple of hours mostly about me while she asked questions about my health that she never knew about. She's such a beautiful Christian girl, inside and out. It was so incredibly nice to be able to catch up with her and I hope we can keep that up.
I got home at the same time Ricky did. We talked about his day and then about Harry Potter. Lol.. Then we went over to the computer to watch the trailer for the final movie, he hadn't seen it yet.
I went right to sleep, but woke up early. I tried going back to sleep, but my body still wouldn't let me. I finally had rehab this afternoon. That meant I had to put my brace on that I hadn't been wearing over the last couple of weeks. Wearing it for the 2 hours I did made me have way more pain than not wearing it. I told the therapist I hadn't been wearing it and he said, "I have no idea what you're talking about..." Lol.. As long as my surgeon doesn't know.
I just found out the my dear Reggie was taken in an ambulance this morning to the hospital with an infection. This girl has been through way too much! Please continue to pray for healing and strength for Reggie. God bless.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
My sisters
2:04am
I'm going to be featured in the next Make-A-Wish Newsletter. :D I'll keep you posted.
Great week. Going wedding dress shopping with my friend in the morning. Eeekkk!!! Love her.
Got to spend a few hours at the hospital with Reggie and Hannah on Monday. Love these girls to pieces!!
Also spent about 8 hours with Reggie last week. That girl was awake the whole time. Nothing like my visits with Hannah who sleeps the entire time. Haha.. <3
I'm going to be featured in the next Make-A-Wish Newsletter. :D I'll keep you posted.
Great week. Going wedding dress shopping with my friend in the morning. Eeekkk!!! Love her.
Got to spend a few hours at the hospital with Reggie and Hannah on Monday. Love these girls to pieces!!
Also spent about 8 hours with Reggie last week. That girl was awake the whole time. Nothing like my visits with Hannah who sleeps the entire time. Haha.. <3
Thursday, May 12, 2011
1:01am
Strong, strong as a mountain, one you can count on
That's how my love is for you
Sure as forever we'll be together
Til the sky's no longer blue
I know it won't always be easy
When we need to be strong, baby believe me
I'll do whatever it takes
To hold on to your love
Swim every ocean
If that's no enough
Walk to the ends of the earth
Through the cold pouring rain
To hold on to your love
I'll do whatever it takes
Strong, strong as a mountain, one you can count on
That's how my love is for you
Sure as forever we'll be together
Til the sky's no longer blue
I know it won't always be easy
When we need to be strong, baby believe me
I'll do whatever it takes
To hold on to your love
Swim every ocean
If that's no enough
Walk to the ends of the earth
Through the cold pouring rain
To hold on to your love
I'll do whatever it takes
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
2:01am
I know You made me strong enough to get through all of this alone. I did it for 5 years. But I'm done doing this alone. Yes, I'm strong, but I should be able to have someone to lean on, someone supporting me. Where is he?
I know You made me strong enough to get through all of this alone. I did it for 5 years. But I'm done doing this alone. Yes, I'm strong, but I should be able to have someone to lean on, someone supporting me. Where is he?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Yep, I just had major surgery 17 days ago. :P
3:30am
I can't even explain how shocked I am at how quickly I'm recovering from surgery. I'm walking around stronger and in less pain than before. Praise God! We prayed, and prayed, and prayed, Oh Lord, that this fall and this surgery happened for a very particular reason. That it would take away the mysterious pain I have been feeling in my knee, hip, and lower spine for a couple of years now. No doctors could give me an answer as to what might be wrong. I spent so much money on seeing different doctors and trying different things to take away the pain. When I had the surgery on my spine in late March I was so sure that would be the answer to my prayers. However, I was in worse pain after the spine surgery.
You wouldn't believe me unless you saw with your own eyes...I feel incredible. I'm hardly limping. I can't wait to start rehab on Friday. I am positive they will all be just as shocked as my surgeon as to how well I'm doing.
Oh Lord, thank you for pushing me down and dislocating my hip!! hahahahaha... funny, but true. This surgery has taken away the pain. I am so blessed to have a Father who provides in my darkest most painful moments.
I had a great week. Tuesday was fantastic. I saw the surgeon for post-op and he was shocked when he saw me. "Michelle, you look great! You're walking great! No pain? That's just great!" Lol.. so funny to me. I guess I'm just used to it? It is my 3rd surgery on that hip. Just looking back to last weekend when I had a huge meltdown about starting all over again, thinking about how long it was going to take me to regain my strength. WOW! Thank You!
I also got an amazing response from my doctor at how great I am doing mentally and emotionally. Praising me for the improvements I am making. It feels so great when people come up to me and notice the changes I've been making. I can't stop smiling. All thanks to my God.
Wednesday, I caught up with someone I used to be very close with. All I could do was laugh at the situation and how awkward he feels. I've certainly let go of everything he put me through, but he isn't able to do the same with me. Still, I'm smiling. I know I have changed. I am a different person. He might realize that someday. It could be too late by then. He'll see.....he isn't going to find someone better than me.
Ya gotta laugh.. it's funny.
It's Mother's Day. I love my mom so much. The relationship we have had over the last month has been incredible. She has done so much for me. I am blessed.
We're having "brunch" at 2:00pm in Brea with my grandparents. I've been waiting all year to eat this meal again. Omg, I will definitely take a picture and post it here. :P
I can't even explain how shocked I am at how quickly I'm recovering from surgery. I'm walking around stronger and in less pain than before. Praise God! We prayed, and prayed, and prayed, Oh Lord, that this fall and this surgery happened for a very particular reason. That it would take away the mysterious pain I have been feeling in my knee, hip, and lower spine for a couple of years now. No doctors could give me an answer as to what might be wrong. I spent so much money on seeing different doctors and trying different things to take away the pain. When I had the surgery on my spine in late March I was so sure that would be the answer to my prayers. However, I was in worse pain after the spine surgery.
You wouldn't believe me unless you saw with your own eyes...I feel incredible. I'm hardly limping. I can't wait to start rehab on Friday. I am positive they will all be just as shocked as my surgeon as to how well I'm doing.
Oh Lord, thank you for pushing me down and dislocating my hip!! hahahahaha... funny, but true. This surgery has taken away the pain. I am so blessed to have a Father who provides in my darkest most painful moments.
I had a great week. Tuesday was fantastic. I saw the surgeon for post-op and he was shocked when he saw me. "Michelle, you look great! You're walking great! No pain? That's just great!" Lol.. so funny to me. I guess I'm just used to it? It is my 3rd surgery on that hip. Just looking back to last weekend when I had a huge meltdown about starting all over again, thinking about how long it was going to take me to regain my strength. WOW! Thank You!
I also got an amazing response from my doctor at how great I am doing mentally and emotionally. Praising me for the improvements I am making. It feels so great when people come up to me and notice the changes I've been making. I can't stop smiling. All thanks to my God.
Wednesday, I caught up with someone I used to be very close with. All I could do was laugh at the situation and how awkward he feels. I've certainly let go of everything he put me through, but he isn't able to do the same with me. Still, I'm smiling. I know I have changed. I am a different person. He might realize that someday. It could be too late by then. He'll see.....he isn't going to find someone better than me.
Ya gotta laugh.. it's funny.
It's Mother's Day. I love my mom so much. The relationship we have had over the last month has been incredible. She has done so much for me. I am blessed.
We're having "brunch" at 2:00pm in Brea with my grandparents. I've been waiting all year to eat this meal again. Omg, I will definitely take a picture and post it here. :P
Friday, May 6, 2011
12:02am
My favorite nights...sitting in bed, smiling toward the heavens. My prayers are praises, for I am blessed. Tears of joy! You've given me so much. I take it all in now. I see Your work. I see Your beauty. What an amazing life You have given to me. And You allowed me, in my time, to get to where I am now. I see amazing things happening in the next 2 years. Use me, oh Lord. Here am I! Send me!
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. -2 Corinthians 12:7-10
YES, LORD!!!! <3 <3 <3
My favorite nights...sitting in bed, smiling toward the heavens. My prayers are praises, for I am blessed. Tears of joy! You've given me so much. I take it all in now. I see Your work. I see Your beauty. What an amazing life You have given to me. And You allowed me, in my time, to get to where I am now. I see amazing things happening in the next 2 years. Use me, oh Lord. Here am I! Send me!
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. -2 Corinthians 12:7-10
YES, LORD!!!! <3 <3 <3
Sunday, May 1, 2011
10:30pm
For 2 weeks now I wake up every day and still can't believe this happened... Every time I see myself hobbling in the mirror I have to stop, look at myself, and say, "You're going to be fine." It's the only way I can push forward at this point.
It's very hard starting all over again. This is the second time in two months that I have had to do just that. Two months ago I started my personal life over again. Fixing things about myself that I didn't like. Focusing on things I let go too far. Working on my relationships with everyone, learning from past mistakes, and changing myself into someone that I finally like. I didn't really notice a difference in any of that till the week before I fell. All of a sudden I was happy, and everyone saw this change in me. What a difference! I had never felt better, even before my diagnosis. The entire time I was in the hospital I hardly ever stopped smiling, and crying. (But those tears were tears of praise and thankfulness to my God who provides!) Even now, I am smiling and starting to tear up because I am so blessed. All my friends and I do now is tell each other how much we love one another. We find it funny, and even funnier when we start crying because of the love we've been blessed with.
I'd like to think that starting over physically will be less of a challenge than changing my way of life. It's still very frustrating though. Bad timing and all. I had a huge breakdown on Friday, crying all day. Even as I was crying I told myself, and God, "I know there is a plan for this. I know there has to be a reason. I know I'm being held back for something. I have already seen some of the work You have done. But for right now, I will cry. I will scream. I will curse. I will be angry. Not because I don't love You, but because right now this is all I see. This is what I have in front of me. I am let down. I am mad about plans I had and have to cancel. It sucks to think about the summer now. It took me nearly 3 years to build up the strength I now have. Do You understand my frustrations? I love You, but I must cry today."
When I have had these breakdowns in the past I'm always alone. And if I am not, I will cancel things to make sure that I am. Then most of the time I lie in bed all day crying and feeling sorry for myself. That wasn't the case two days ago. I already had plans in the afternoon to hang out with Danielle, and in the evening with Jamie. So...I was forced to talk about it. And the tears I so often keep hidden came pouring out. I'm not so sure I liked having to do that, but I know that having these breakdowns alone and keeping to myself isn't healthy. So again, I try new things.
I will say that all of these things have brought me back to him, and I don't know why. I was doing just fine. I tried moving on, talked with some other guys, but I don't feel the connection. So, I don't want to move on. Because I know what I want. Who I want. And I pray that I get another chance at love with him.
In the mean time, I will continue to do what I have been: smiling, laughing, changing, healing, and enjoying my life. Well, the life You've given me.
For 2 weeks now I wake up every day and still can't believe this happened... Every time I see myself hobbling in the mirror I have to stop, look at myself, and say, "You're going to be fine." It's the only way I can push forward at this point.
It's very hard starting all over again. This is the second time in two months that I have had to do just that. Two months ago I started my personal life over again. Fixing things about myself that I didn't like. Focusing on things I let go too far. Working on my relationships with everyone, learning from past mistakes, and changing myself into someone that I finally like. I didn't really notice a difference in any of that till the week before I fell. All of a sudden I was happy, and everyone saw this change in me. What a difference! I had never felt better, even before my diagnosis. The entire time I was in the hospital I hardly ever stopped smiling, and crying. (But those tears were tears of praise and thankfulness to my God who provides!) Even now, I am smiling and starting to tear up because I am so blessed. All my friends and I do now is tell each other how much we love one another. We find it funny, and even funnier when we start crying because of the love we've been blessed with.
I'd like to think that starting over physically will be less of a challenge than changing my way of life. It's still very frustrating though. Bad timing and all. I had a huge breakdown on Friday, crying all day. Even as I was crying I told myself, and God, "I know there is a plan for this. I know there has to be a reason. I know I'm being held back for something. I have already seen some of the work You have done. But for right now, I will cry. I will scream. I will curse. I will be angry. Not because I don't love You, but because right now this is all I see. This is what I have in front of me. I am let down. I am mad about plans I had and have to cancel. It sucks to think about the summer now. It took me nearly 3 years to build up the strength I now have. Do You understand my frustrations? I love You, but I must cry today."
When I have had these breakdowns in the past I'm always alone. And if I am not, I will cancel things to make sure that I am. Then most of the time I lie in bed all day crying and feeling sorry for myself. That wasn't the case two days ago. I already had plans in the afternoon to hang out with Danielle, and in the evening with Jamie. So...I was forced to talk about it. And the tears I so often keep hidden came pouring out. I'm not so sure I liked having to do that, but I know that having these breakdowns alone and keeping to myself isn't healthy. So again, I try new things.
I will say that all of these things have brought me back to him, and I don't know why. I was doing just fine. I tried moving on, talked with some other guys, but I don't feel the connection. So, I don't want to move on. Because I know what I want. Who I want. And I pray that I get another chance at love with him.
In the mean time, I will continue to do what I have been: smiling, laughing, changing, healing, and enjoying my life. Well, the life You've given me.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
2:02pm
why am I feeling this pressure in my chest again. I thought I was past this. I don't understand why I am missing you incredibly right now.
why am I feeling this pressure in my chest again. I thought I was past this. I don't understand why I am missing you incredibly right now.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
One year ago, during my morning ASL class I got a call from my dad that I had been fearing for years. My big papa died peacefully in his sleep. My big papa is everything to me. Holidays aren't the same without him. It's been a tough year. But today, I will smile. Today, I will laugh. Today, I will love. For that's how you were every time we were together, and I want to be just like you. Miss you Big Papa. ♥
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
BACK TO SCHOOL! Rockin' the walker and brace.
9:32pm
REGGIE'S TUMORS SHRUNK A LITTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally cried when she text me. Answered prayers. And I will continue to pray until there are no cancer cells in her body! She will be switching chemos in the next week or so, and hopefully it will work better with her.
I'm sorry I haven't been updating all of you more often when you are all wanting to know how I am doing with the surgery. It's been really hard to stay focused and get it all out, but STAY TUNED I will update you this weekend.
I went back to school today!! It has been exactly 1 week since the surgery. I know many of you think I'm crazy for going back so soon, but it really wasn't bad. My teachers were so welcoming, they all came over and gave me a hug. I'm so blessed to have teachers like George Dorough, Bob Arnold, and Bob Stuard who care so much about my health. In class everyone was shocked to see me and my walker entering the room. Some already knew that I was going back today through my updates on facebook. Everyone else came over to ask questions and such. I think I have signed the accident about 30 times in the last week. Oh well, it's good practice. Actually, even when I am telling someone with my voice I still end up using my hands to show what happened.
The relationship I have with my mom right now is incredible. Since the night I called her from the ambulance to now we've never had this kind of relationship before. I love her so much. And for once, I actually want her to be around all the time. I want to talk to her. I want to spend time with her. I even say "I love you" back all the time, when before it was such an awkward thing for me to say...to anyone, not just her. It's so funny because now I just say it to everyone I come in contact with. Lol.. I'm just so happy and I feel great. Again, love my mom. She's been over every day when she gets off of work cleaning up the house and taking care of me. What more can I ask for.. <3
Tomorrow I will be going to the Ellen show with Kelly and Lauren. I have the greatest friends!! Getting excited!
I'm so blessed. Incredibly happy. Thank You, Lord. I love You so.
Baby steps. But at least I'm walking in the right direction. :)
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it 'cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb. It's getting better all the time." -Brooks & Dunn
REGGIE'S TUMORS SHRUNK A LITTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally cried when she text me. Answered prayers. And I will continue to pray until there are no cancer cells in her body! She will be switching chemos in the next week or so, and hopefully it will work better with her.
I'm sorry I haven't been updating all of you more often when you are all wanting to know how I am doing with the surgery. It's been really hard to stay focused and get it all out, but STAY TUNED I will update you this weekend.
I went back to school today!! It has been exactly 1 week since the surgery. I know many of you think I'm crazy for going back so soon, but it really wasn't bad. My teachers were so welcoming, they all came over and gave me a hug. I'm so blessed to have teachers like George Dorough, Bob Arnold, and Bob Stuard who care so much about my health. In class everyone was shocked to see me and my walker entering the room. Some already knew that I was going back today through my updates on facebook. Everyone else came over to ask questions and such. I think I have signed the accident about 30 times in the last week. Oh well, it's good practice. Actually, even when I am telling someone with my voice I still end up using my hands to show what happened.
The relationship I have with my mom right now is incredible. Since the night I called her from the ambulance to now we've never had this kind of relationship before. I love her so much. And for once, I actually want her to be around all the time. I want to talk to her. I want to spend time with her. I even say "I love you" back all the time, when before it was such an awkward thing for me to say...to anyone, not just her. It's so funny because now I just say it to everyone I come in contact with. Lol.. I'm just so happy and I feel great. Again, love my mom. She's been over every day when she gets off of work cleaning up the house and taking care of me. What more can I ask for.. <3
Tomorrow I will be going to the Ellen show with Kelly and Lauren. I have the greatest friends!! Getting excited!
I'm so blessed. Incredibly happy. Thank You, Lord. I love You so.
Baby steps. But at least I'm walking in the right direction. :)
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it 'cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb. It's getting better all the time." -Brooks & Dunn
Monday, April 25, 2011
3:10pm
Sitting in bed recovering from 2 surgeries within a month and looking at the stack of medical bills in front of me...that hurts more than the physical pain. It's gonna be tight this year. :\
Sitting in bed recovering from 2 surgeries within a month and looking at the stack of medical bills in front of me...that hurts more than the physical pain. It's gonna be tight this year. :\
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Me and Mommy before my surgery
10:04pm
HAPPY EASTER!! I hope everyone had a great with family and friends celebrating our Jesus!
I know I haven't been keeping you updated on here very much. I was on a lot of medication which made it really hard to concentrate on writing. Or I would fall asleep while writing something. Anyways I will update you more on my surgery little by little this week. Thank you for all the prayers. I feel them, and I hear God's answers to your prayers.
I was discharged this afternoon. It's been a tiring day. From the hospital my mom and I went to my Dad's house to celebrate Easter with that side of the family. Then my mom took me home. While I was on the couch downstairs watching tv and taking naps, she was upstairs cleaning my room, washing the sheets, organizing, so that I could just go to sleep as soon as I got upstairs. Best Mom. :)
HAPPY EASTER!! I hope everyone had a great with family and friends celebrating our Jesus!
I know I haven't been keeping you updated on here very much. I was on a lot of medication which made it really hard to concentrate on writing. Or I would fall asleep while writing something. Anyways I will update you more on my surgery little by little this week. Thank you for all the prayers. I feel them, and I hear God's answers to your prayers.
I was discharged this afternoon. It's been a tiring day. From the hospital my mom and I went to my Dad's house to celebrate Easter with that side of the family. Then my mom took me home. While I was on the couch downstairs watching tv and taking naps, she was upstairs cleaning my room, washing the sheets, organizing, so that I could just go to sleep as soon as I got upstairs. Best Mom. :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
7:16am
5 years ago today I was going in to my very first surgery, which so happened to be brain surgery to remove a large tumor. 16 long hours later I was diagnosed with a cancer that only I have. 5 years of surgeries, treatments, needles, and scans, and I didn't start healing until last month. But I feel fantastic! So it only seems fitting to have surgery on my 5th anniversary of life and wrap up a challenging, yet rewarding, journey.
My nurse, Thi, and I have gotten close. She's been my nurse every night since I got to COH on Monday. At first I didn't like her because she's a little awkward to talk to and very serious. I kept trying to cracks jokes with her, but she wouldn't laugh. Finally yesterday I got through to her. We were being funny left and right. At midnight she came i and dumped out my water and said, "Just in case you get tempted." Lol, so funny. This morning she helped me clean up and get out of my clothes to put a hospital gown on. I was telling her stories and she kept saying how great it is to walk into my room and see tons of people loving on me. I always have music on while I'm in bed and she said that it's so good to see that I know how to handle anxiety and fear. I started talking to her about the friends who have been here to visit and how it wasn't till recently when I got close to them. She wanted more information so I talked about the girls. And of course, I started crying. I can't tell them enough how much they mean to me. I can't thank God enough for all He provides me with.
So today I go into surgery a happy young woman. I will sing praises all morning and continue to through my sleep and when I wake up from this GLORIOUS surgery. God is here. He is in my room. He will guide my doctors operating on my hip as well as everyone who will be in contact with me while I am in the hospital.
My God is so good to me. :)
5 years ago today I was going in to my very first surgery, which so happened to be brain surgery to remove a large tumor. 16 long hours later I was diagnosed with a cancer that only I have. 5 years of surgeries, treatments, needles, and scans, and I didn't start healing until last month. But I feel fantastic! So it only seems fitting to have surgery on my 5th anniversary of life and wrap up a challenging, yet rewarding, journey.
My nurse, Thi, and I have gotten close. She's been my nurse every night since I got to COH on Monday. At first I didn't like her because she's a little awkward to talk to and very serious. I kept trying to cracks jokes with her, but she wouldn't laugh. Finally yesterday I got through to her. We were being funny left and right. At midnight she came i and dumped out my water and said, "Just in case you get tempted." Lol, so funny. This morning she helped me clean up and get out of my clothes to put a hospital gown on. I was telling her stories and she kept saying how great it is to walk into my room and see tons of people loving on me. I always have music on while I'm in bed and she said that it's so good to see that I know how to handle anxiety and fear. I started talking to her about the friends who have been here to visit and how it wasn't till recently when I got close to them. She wanted more information so I talked about the girls. And of course, I started crying. I can't tell them enough how much they mean to me. I can't thank God enough for all He provides me with.
So today I go into surgery a happy young woman. I will sing praises all morning and continue to through my sleep and when I wake up from this GLORIOUS surgery. God is here. He is in my room. He will guide my doctors operating on my hip as well as everyone who will be in contact with me while I am in the hospital.
My God is so good to me. :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
8:32am
Okay, so I didn't sleep very well Friday night. Like I said before, I haven't been getting much sleep since the surgery last month. I tried everything I could to stay in bed and go back to sleep on Saturday morning, but my restless legs wouldn't let me. I spent the day in bed being lazy and trying to fall back asleep. I walked downstairs to get some food and Ricky confirmed that I looked as tired as I felt. I got back in bed and put on a movie and was about to go to sleep when I got a text from Danielle asking me what I was doing that night. Um... it was 9:30, I think it would be smart to go to bed. Haha.. But she insisted that I go midnight bowling with her, Nick, and her friend. I had been in the house for days trying to get rest and sleep so I agreed and hopped in the shower and left to meet them in Arcadia at 11:00. I was yawning the entire time over there. They were already at a lane when I arrived so I got my shoes and had to buy socks from the vending machine! and went over to play. Dani went first and got a spare. I was next and extremely nervous to play again. I hadn't played since my diagnosis 5 years ago. I got up and threw the ball and knocked down every pin except the left two. I was so shocked that I did that. When I went to retrieve the ball for my second half of the round. Before I threw it, I walked over to Dani and said, "I can't believe I'm doing this. I used to be a really good bowler. I've been asked to go bowling a lot in the last few years, but only went once and just watched. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall." So I walked over to the lane and rolled the ball, my body twisted one way and my legs another. Out came my hip. I laid on the ground for a second then tried to get up as soon as I could. They manager came over and asked if I wanted an ambulance. I said no because I didn't want them handling me with all the surgeries I had. But the pain was too excruciating and when he asked again I said yes. While we were waiting I did not move at all from my position. Dani and Nick laid on the floor next to me till they got there. True friendship right there. We were laughing and cracking jokes until anyone touched me or tried to move me. I won't go into tiny details, but they got me on the stretcher, I was screaming with every movement.
When we were in the ambulance that was when I finally called my mom. I called her at home, but she never answered. I called her cell, but same thing. I started to panic, but finally got a hold of her. She arrived at the hospital a few minutes after us. Dani feels so guilty. Every time I screamed she started crying. They were a little traumatized by the fall they witnessed. Nick was pretty grossed out about seeing my hip pop out of it's socket. Lol.
The firemen pushed me over to a curtained room in the corner and again I was transferred over to the gurney while screaming and crying. I was in shock. I was hyperventilating in the ambulance and the man back there with me kept telling me to stop, but that didn't help. Once I was in the ER in the corner it happened again. I had a crying/snot-fest freaking out of the fall. We had to wait around for quite a while before I was even seen by anyone. I was kind of confused because I thought that if you were taken to the ER in an ambulance then you were the first one to be seen. I also thought that it was like triage and they helped the people who were the worst before they got to anyone else. But I guess my assumptions were not true.
At least we found things to laugh about. Dani almost passed out while helping the nurse hold my arm so he could put an IV in my arm. Her skin turned completely white. Side note:She's going to school to be a nurse. baahahaha
They took me in for xrays which was quite a challenge. I finally allowed them to give me pain meds before I went in for the xrays. If I didn't take anything I would have passed out from the pain. They kept wanting to give me morphine, but I refused. So they stuck with dilaudid. Getting on the xray table was a bit of a challenge. He ended up just pulling the mattress onto the table instead of putting me on a board. I finally had to get off of my side and roll to my back.(I have been trying to update this since Sunday, but have been too tired to finish. I will give you the short version) 10:30pm
The doctor said that the hip is completely dislocated and surgery would be needed. We waited around a few more hours before they finally admitted me to a room. My mom and I had a good conversation through the rest of the morning. Well actually I did all the talking. Crying out of joy and greatness for all God has given me. I have never felt so much love.I was put to sleep in the late morning for the doctors to try and manually put the hip back into place, but the muscle had fallen in between and there was no way to do so. Surgery here I come.I was transfered to City of Hope Duarte yesterday afternoon because Dr. Femino will be performing my surgery tomorrow morning at 9:30. I will be having a full hip replacement done. In case you don't know, I have a partial hip replacement right now and half of my femur is replaced as well. See picture below. The doctor will be shaving down my hip and putting a cup in and will be replacing the ball on my prosthesis to one that will fit perfectly into the new hip cup.
(Oh, and don't ask if I at least got the spare. I asked the same question to Nick and Danielle, but they didn't see. Lol)
SATURDAY NIGHT THROUGH TUESDAY EVENING:
Despite this terrible sudden accident, the last few days have been beyond amazing. I can't tell you how much Danielle has meant to me. She stayed in the ER with me till 3am, went home to sleep, then came back with Hannah in the morning and stayed all day Sunday and spent the night. When I wasn't screaming and crying my head off in the ER we were just laughing about little things. My mom stayed with me when they admitted me to a room and we talked till the sun came up. It was mostly me letting everything out, saying praises to God for how good he has been to me. It's all falling into place (no pun intended). I thank the Lord for every day I am given.
I couldn't go to sleep that night till I had talked to Tori. I called her over and over again hoping that for just tonight she didn't put her phone on silent. But she never picked up. Once it was 6am I finally started texting people the news. I talked to Angie on the phone for about an hour or so which made me feel amazing. And finally I got the call from Tori. I haven't talked to her on the phone and heard her voice since she moved in January. It was so good to hear her speak, but not under these circumstances. I told her what happened, and we cried together. (Brought back memories to the time I called her to tell her I had a brain tumor). When we hung up, I bursted into tears. Crying so hard and missing her so much. It finally hit me. Hearing her voice made this so much harder. But it made me realize that as soon as I'm better I need to get my butt on a plane to visit her in NC.
Dani and Hannah showed up in the morning. My dear Hannah spent her day off from chemo in the hospital with me. That's a friend. We had some good laughs and amazing conversations together. Emily showed up in the afternoon and we all hung around being lazy. The girls helped me get clean and change into a new gown. Stupid nurse didn't do her job. Haha, long story. I had to throw away my stubbornness and allow people to help me. I have been stuck in bed since Saturday night. My hip still out of it's socket. I think it was good for me. They want to help. It makes them feel needed. Sometimes you just have to let people help you. Sunday was amazing. I had visitors in the morning from my old church in Temple City. And hung out with people all day long. At night Lauren and Kelly visited for a little while. My dad showed up with Claim Jumper for Hannah, Emily, Danielle, and me. Reggie and Henry then showed up. We had a great night. Lauren acted out her mace training for the police academy again. Kelly showed me her latest burp cloth she made. Hannah, Reggie, and I cried about how thankful we are for each other. Emily was quiet, but I love her too. And our amazing nurse Amanda came in and took a picture with me.
After everyone left Dani and I got to have some alone time and talk. Again, mostly me. These "talks" have been reflections. I am blessed. God has put some amazing people in my life. I am happy. I am having a good time in the hospital. When does that ever happen to me?!?!? Lol. God is so good. That's what I keep telling myself. Oh, how He provides. "He gives and takes away." Overjoyed.
Yesterday was probably the worst day. Although it started off really fun. Dani and I went to sleep around 1am, but I woke up at 3am and could never go back to sleep. That's when she woke up too. We told each other gross stories. Well, gross to other people, hilarious to us. Amanda came in to give me meds and ended up chilling with us for like 3 hours. (What a horrible nurse :P) She's so cool. haha.. We chatted the whole time. It was so fun. I showed her some of my cancer pictures on facebook and asked her if I was allowed to be her facebook friend. LOL. After that, Dani and I tried going back to sleep. I was in a lot of pain and my legs were twitching. Every time my left leg twitched and yelled out. I must have fallen asleep for a little bit because Dani said every time I twitched I would moan or yell. She tried calling my name but I wouldn't answer back.
I got transferred to COH in the afternoon where we were hit on by the 2 EMTs. And somehow even they knew I hurt myself "bowling." It's now the running joke around here. Not really a fan of the old building at COH, but it's too crowded to have me over with Hannah and Reggie. Hopefully I will get to see them tomorrow or later on this week. Hannah had a rough day, PRAY. Reggie was admitted last night with shingles and is in isolation. Our cancer group is falling apart. haha.
Rachel, Robin, Kevin, Danielle, Nick, Nancy, Kady, and my parents were all here today.
All the people that have visited me during the last few days have been more people than I ever had visit me during my 3 years of chemo. This is so new to me to have people that actually want to be here, want to help. I am eternally grateful, O Lord.
Surgery at 9:30am tomorrow morning. Tomorrow. April 20, 2011. Just five years after my very first surgery and the day I was diagnosed with cancer. We are celebrating 5 years of life and learning!
Prayers:
Anxiety
Speedy recovery
I need to be back in school ASAP, pray that it all works out.
My veins to be easy to get an IV and blood from
Surgery goes perfectly
All the pain I was in before I fell will be taken away
I will be able to walk on my leg the next day with little pain
And, thank my God for all the blessings he has given me already. :]
Okay, so I didn't sleep very well Friday night. Like I said before, I haven't been getting much sleep since the surgery last month. I tried everything I could to stay in bed and go back to sleep on Saturday morning, but my restless legs wouldn't let me. I spent the day in bed being lazy and trying to fall back asleep. I walked downstairs to get some food and Ricky confirmed that I looked as tired as I felt. I got back in bed and put on a movie and was about to go to sleep when I got a text from Danielle asking me what I was doing that night. Um... it was 9:30, I think it would be smart to go to bed. Haha.. But she insisted that I go midnight bowling with her, Nick, and her friend. I had been in the house for days trying to get rest and sleep so I agreed and hopped in the shower and left to meet them in Arcadia at 11:00. I was yawning the entire time over there. They were already at a lane when I arrived so I got my shoes and had to buy socks from the vending machine! and went over to play. Dani went first and got a spare. I was next and extremely nervous to play again. I hadn't played since my diagnosis 5 years ago. I got up and threw the ball and knocked down every pin except the left two. I was so shocked that I did that. When I went to retrieve the ball for my second half of the round. Before I threw it, I walked over to Dani and said, "I can't believe I'm doing this. I used to be a really good bowler. I've been asked to go bowling a lot in the last few years, but only went once and just watched. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall." So I walked over to the lane and rolled the ball, my body twisted one way and my legs another. Out came my hip. I laid on the ground for a second then tried to get up as soon as I could. They manager came over and asked if I wanted an ambulance. I said no because I didn't want them handling me with all the surgeries I had. But the pain was too excruciating and when he asked again I said yes. While we were waiting I did not move at all from my position. Dani and Nick laid on the floor next to me till they got there. True friendship right there. We were laughing and cracking jokes until anyone touched me or tried to move me. I won't go into tiny details, but they got me on the stretcher, I was screaming with every movement.
When we were in the ambulance that was when I finally called my mom. I called her at home, but she never answered. I called her cell, but same thing. I started to panic, but finally got a hold of her. She arrived at the hospital a few minutes after us. Dani feels so guilty. Every time I screamed she started crying. They were a little traumatized by the fall they witnessed. Nick was pretty grossed out about seeing my hip pop out of it's socket. Lol.
The firemen pushed me over to a curtained room in the corner and again I was transferred over to the gurney while screaming and crying. I was in shock. I was hyperventilating in the ambulance and the man back there with me kept telling me to stop, but that didn't help. Once I was in the ER in the corner it happened again. I had a crying/snot-fest freaking out of the fall. We had to wait around for quite a while before I was even seen by anyone. I was kind of confused because I thought that if you were taken to the ER in an ambulance then you were the first one to be seen. I also thought that it was like triage and they helped the people who were the worst before they got to anyone else. But I guess my assumptions were not true.
At least we found things to laugh about. Dani almost passed out while helping the nurse hold my arm so he could put an IV in my arm. Her skin turned completely white. Side note:She's going to school to be a nurse. baahahaha
They took me in for xrays which was quite a challenge. I finally allowed them to give me pain meds before I went in for the xrays. If I didn't take anything I would have passed out from the pain. They kept wanting to give me morphine, but I refused. So they stuck with dilaudid. Getting on the xray table was a bit of a challenge. He ended up just pulling the mattress onto the table instead of putting me on a board. I finally had to get off of my side and roll to my back.(I have been trying to update this since Sunday, but have been too tired to finish. I will give you the short version) 10:30pm
The doctor said that the hip is completely dislocated and surgery would be needed. We waited around a few more hours before they finally admitted me to a room. My mom and I had a good conversation through the rest of the morning. Well actually I did all the talking. Crying out of joy and greatness for all God has given me. I have never felt so much love.I was put to sleep in the late morning for the doctors to try and manually put the hip back into place, but the muscle had fallen in between and there was no way to do so. Surgery here I come.I was transfered to City of Hope Duarte yesterday afternoon because Dr. Femino will be performing my surgery tomorrow morning at 9:30. I will be having a full hip replacement done. In case you don't know, I have a partial hip replacement right now and half of my femur is replaced as well. See picture below. The doctor will be shaving down my hip and putting a cup in and will be replacing the ball on my prosthesis to one that will fit perfectly into the new hip cup.
(Oh, and don't ask if I at least got the spare. I asked the same question to Nick and Danielle, but they didn't see. Lol)
SATURDAY NIGHT THROUGH TUESDAY EVENING:
Despite this terrible sudden accident, the last few days have been beyond amazing. I can't tell you how much Danielle has meant to me. She stayed in the ER with me till 3am, went home to sleep, then came back with Hannah in the morning and stayed all day Sunday and spent the night. When I wasn't screaming and crying my head off in the ER we were just laughing about little things. My mom stayed with me when they admitted me to a room and we talked till the sun came up. It was mostly me letting everything out, saying praises to God for how good he has been to me. It's all falling into place (no pun intended). I thank the Lord for every day I am given.
I couldn't go to sleep that night till I had talked to Tori. I called her over and over again hoping that for just tonight she didn't put her phone on silent. But she never picked up. Once it was 6am I finally started texting people the news. I talked to Angie on the phone for about an hour or so which made me feel amazing. And finally I got the call from Tori. I haven't talked to her on the phone and heard her voice since she moved in January. It was so good to hear her speak, but not under these circumstances. I told her what happened, and we cried together. (Brought back memories to the time I called her to tell her I had a brain tumor). When we hung up, I bursted into tears. Crying so hard and missing her so much. It finally hit me. Hearing her voice made this so much harder. But it made me realize that as soon as I'm better I need to get my butt on a plane to visit her in NC.
Dani and Hannah showed up in the morning. My dear Hannah spent her day off from chemo in the hospital with me. That's a friend. We had some good laughs and amazing conversations together. Emily showed up in the afternoon and we all hung around being lazy. The girls helped me get clean and change into a new gown. Stupid nurse didn't do her job. Haha, long story. I had to throw away my stubbornness and allow people to help me. I have been stuck in bed since Saturday night. My hip still out of it's socket. I think it was good for me. They want to help. It makes them feel needed. Sometimes you just have to let people help you. Sunday was amazing. I had visitors in the morning from my old church in Temple City. And hung out with people all day long. At night Lauren and Kelly visited for a little while. My dad showed up with Claim Jumper for Hannah, Emily, Danielle, and me. Reggie and Henry then showed up. We had a great night. Lauren acted out her mace training for the police academy again. Kelly showed me her latest burp cloth she made. Hannah, Reggie, and I cried about how thankful we are for each other. Emily was quiet, but I love her too. And our amazing nurse Amanda came in and took a picture with me.
After everyone left Dani and I got to have some alone time and talk. Again, mostly me. These "talks" have been reflections. I am blessed. God has put some amazing people in my life. I am happy. I am having a good time in the hospital. When does that ever happen to me?!?!? Lol. God is so good. That's what I keep telling myself. Oh, how He provides. "He gives and takes away." Overjoyed.
Yesterday was probably the worst day. Although it started off really fun. Dani and I went to sleep around 1am, but I woke up at 3am and could never go back to sleep. That's when she woke up too. We told each other gross stories. Well, gross to other people, hilarious to us. Amanda came in to give me meds and ended up chilling with us for like 3 hours. (What a horrible nurse :P) She's so cool. haha.. We chatted the whole time. It was so fun. I showed her some of my cancer pictures on facebook and asked her if I was allowed to be her facebook friend. LOL. After that, Dani and I tried going back to sleep. I was in a lot of pain and my legs were twitching. Every time my left leg twitched and yelled out. I must have fallen asleep for a little bit because Dani said every time I twitched I would moan or yell. She tried calling my name but I wouldn't answer back.
I got transferred to COH in the afternoon where we were hit on by the 2 EMTs. And somehow even they knew I hurt myself "bowling." It's now the running joke around here. Not really a fan of the old building at COH, but it's too crowded to have me over with Hannah and Reggie. Hopefully I will get to see them tomorrow or later on this week. Hannah had a rough day, PRAY. Reggie was admitted last night with shingles and is in isolation. Our cancer group is falling apart. haha.
Rachel, Robin, Kevin, Danielle, Nick, Nancy, Kady, and my parents were all here today.
All the people that have visited me during the last few days have been more people than I ever had visit me during my 3 years of chemo. This is so new to me to have people that actually want to be here, want to help. I am eternally grateful, O Lord.
Surgery at 9:30am tomorrow morning. Tomorrow. April 20, 2011. Just five years after my very first surgery and the day I was diagnosed with cancer. We are celebrating 5 years of life and learning!
Prayers:
Anxiety
Speedy recovery
I need to be back in school ASAP, pray that it all works out.
My veins to be easy to get an IV and blood from
Surgery goes perfectly
All the pain I was in before I fell will be taken away
I will be able to walk on my leg the next day with little pain
And, thank my God for all the blessings he has given me already. :]
Saturday, April 16, 2011
9:11pm
A lot of random guys lately. Been asked out a lot, 4 times just in the last week and a half. I don't know what God is trying to tell me. I guess I just have to go with it.
Am I being picky? Do I have a right to be? Or do they just not live up to what I know?
I know what I want. But it seems right now what I want doesn't want me.
A lot of random guys lately. Been asked out a lot, 4 times just in the last week and a half. I don't know what God is trying to tell me. I guess I just have to go with it.
Am I being picky? Do I have a right to be? Or do they just not live up to what I know?
I know what I want. But it seems right now what I want doesn't want me.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
3:53pm
It's going to be a great week. Stay tuned ;)
It's going to be a great week. Stay tuned ;)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
1:00am
I have been blessed with some amazing people this year. In times of loneliness I pray that I can hold on to that and know I am not alone.
I have been blessed with some amazing people this year. In times of loneliness I pray that I can hold on to that and know I am not alone.
Friday, April 15, 2011
omg, i keep hitting all his times!!! >.<
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
She asked me to sign HANNAH SMELLS. hahahah
7:13pm
Been hanging out at City of Hope for the last couple of hours. Hannah's actions in her drugged texts are coming out in person. Lol. She just randomly shouted, "Loooooooove yooooooooouuuu." Hahah.. Love that girl. She's sleeping a lot which is great! Last time she was in here she hardly got any sleep. It's so relaxing to see her sleeping so peacefully. I'm exhausted myself, I'd kind of like to take a nap too. Been feeling really sluggish today. So glad I don't have anything going on tomorrow morning. Going to catch up on some much needed sleep.
Haven't heard from Reggie in the last couple days. Hope she is doing alright. She's been having some bad lung pain, so please continue praying for that.
Update on my pain: Many of you keep asking me how my pain is doing since my surgery and it's still the same as before. Actually there is more pain now than before the surgery. So I can use prayers for healing and finding someone who can give me an option to help relieve some of this pain. Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate all the texts, cards, and emails with get-well wishes. <3
Went with Mike to the Angels game last night. So far the 3 games I have been to have all been sell outs. The game was only 2 hours 15 minutes. Went by really fast. It was pretty chilly so thank God it was blanket night.
Been hanging out at City of Hope for the last couple of hours. Hannah's actions in her drugged texts are coming out in person. Lol. She just randomly shouted, "Loooooooove yooooooooouuuu." Hahah.. Love that girl. She's sleeping a lot which is great! Last time she was in here she hardly got any sleep. It's so relaxing to see her sleeping so peacefully. I'm exhausted myself, I'd kind of like to take a nap too. Been feeling really sluggish today. So glad I don't have anything going on tomorrow morning. Going to catch up on some much needed sleep.
Haven't heard from Reggie in the last couple days. Hope she is doing alright. She's been having some bad lung pain, so please continue praying for that.
Update on my pain: Many of you keep asking me how my pain is doing since my surgery and it's still the same as before. Actually there is more pain now than before the surgery. So I can use prayers for healing and finding someone who can give me an option to help relieve some of this pain. Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate all the texts, cards, and emails with get-well wishes. <3
Went with Mike to the Angels game last night. So far the 3 games I have been to have all been sell outs. The game was only 2 hours 15 minutes. Went by really fast. It was pretty chilly so thank God it was blanket night.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
March 2011
3:06pm
Hey, all I did was warn you that if you didn't knock it off things were going to get worse for you. And well, today shows that it did. You know I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. I love all you girls. But when you guys bring me into your problems and vent to me I have to get involved when it goes too far or someone is in danger. Hopefully one day you will realize that I was trying to keep you from getting into trouble and that you shouldn't be too quick to turn on people. Nobody is perfect. You come to me with advice all the time and I do the best I can to answer your questions. Don't jump to conclusions. I'm on your side, and I still love you.
Hey, all I did was warn you that if you didn't knock it off things were going to get worse for you. And well, today shows that it did. You know I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. I love all you girls. But when you guys bring me into your problems and vent to me I have to get involved when it goes too far or someone is in danger. Hopefully one day you will realize that I was trying to keep you from getting into trouble and that you shouldn't be too quick to turn on people. Nobody is perfect. You come to me with advice all the time and I do the best I can to answer your questions. Don't jump to conclusions. I'm on your side, and I still love you.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
12:02am
Hannah got her scan results back and they are CLEAR!! I couldn't be happier. I hope this good news will keep her going for the next 8 weeks of chemo and then she is done. And I pray that she will never have to endure a battle like this ever again.
Tonight I found out that someone brought me up at a Make-A-Wish LA board meeting and everyone knew who I was. They talked about me for a while before they moved on. That's so special to me. I can't believe it.
Hannah got her scan results back and they are CLEAR!! I couldn't be happier. I hope this good news will keep her going for the next 8 weeks of chemo and then she is done. And I pray that she will never have to endure a battle like this ever again.
Tonight I found out that someone brought me up at a Make-A-Wish LA board meeting and everyone knew who I was. They talked about me for a while before they moved on. That's so special to me. I can't believe it.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hannah, Danielle, Michelle, & Reggie
9:00pm
Amazing day! Feeling God’s presence. I haven’t stopped smiling all week. It’s been one of the greatest weeks of my life. I have never been happier.
Thursday, I cooked dinner for Danielle, Hannah, Reggie, Ricky, Jack, and Jaycob. Ricky helped. It’s so nice to have people to talk to about cancer. That’s mostly what we talked about all night. It was great. I hope we can keep this going and maybe it will grow. (Baby steps). We took tons of pictures and dressed up in some funny things I got from Party City. I love these girls so much. The only way I can describe it is simply a gift from God. I have a trust in these girls that I have never allowed myself to have with other friends. While I was left alone to fight through cancer, I watched as people came by my side initially, left, and never returned. Putting trust in people after that, believing that they were always going to be there for me, was something I haven’t been able to do until now. These friends aren’t going anywhere. <3
Friday, I slept through my alarm due to the late night with the girls. Somehow I still made it to City of Hope in time for my post-op appointment. It was a little bit of a let down. The doctor kept saying to give it time. A month ago I think I would’ve walked out of there feeling completely depressed and lost. Not anymore. It sucks, yes, but I’m going to keep pushing forward till I finally find something to ease the pain. From there I had another appointment, so I drove over there. I was so exhausted; I could barely stay awake while driving. When I got home I passed out for a few hours till it was time to get ready for the Angels opening night with Danielle. Got to see her 2 days in a row. Woo! Haha. We had fun. It was chilly, but we survived. It was so beautiful over there. I prayed so hard the night before that it would be a great night with no rain, and boy were my prayers answered. There were clouds formed in a circle around the stadium. You look up and all you see is blue sky. It stayed like that the entire time until finally there weren’t clouds at all. Absolutely beautiful. I pretty much talked Danielle’s ear off the whole time. She gets really focused on the game. It’s kind of funny. She didn’t talk much, only before and after the game. Haha.. Silly girl. Going to go to Disneyland with her and Nick next week.
Saturday, I tried to sleep in a little bit, but that didn’t really happen. Had some drama go on with soccer stuff in the afternoon. I know I did nothing wrong, so I’m fine. Got ready, and then met Joy in Brea to go to the Angels game. Somewhere in the chaos of the afternoon I told her to meet at 3:30 when I really meant 4:30. So I get there and I really needed coffee, and wasn’t sure if we were going to have time to stop and get some. There was a Coffee Bean right there, so we went. Then, we get to the stadium and there are only two lanes open to pay for parking. I looked at the clock expecting it to be 5:00 or so, and it was 4:00. OMG. 2 hours early. I felt so dumb. We just laughed and Joy said she was going to say something, but never did because her sister, Angie, told her not to. Thanks Angie! Lol. Anyways, it was snow beanie giveaway night. I was happy. Really cute beanies. But the game went on forever! 14 innings. We were at the stadium for 7 hours!!! So cold!!! I felt like I couldn’t leave though. Thank God they won because we would’ve been super cranky if we stayed the whole time for nothing. :P Glad I got to take her. Luckily she is a Dodgers fan so I could take her beanie and give it to Danielle.
I ended up not going to bed till 5am! I was talking to Wes for a little bit ‘til he fell asleep on me! ;) Then turned on Harry Potter and ate cereal waiting for Tori to wake up and get ready for work on the east coast. For some reason she got up an hour earlier today and we were able to chat this morning! She said that God must have really wanted us to talk. Lol. I probably only got about 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I need to get those shades that block out all the light because as soon as the sun shines through my room it’s really hard to keep sleeping. Just something else to add to my list. Haha. I woke up and watched the Angels win, then got ready for church.
The worship tonight was a party! I was smiling and singing the whole time, getting teary-eyed every now and then at how amazing I am feeling this week. All a gift from God. When I think about the last time I was there… gosh, it’s probably been about 8 weeks, I was a mess. I didn’t talk to anyone. I sat down in the back crying the entire time. Look at me now! I feel great! The last two months have been a time of healing for me. God took a step back and let me work through this pain the way I needed to. The message Tom spoke on tonight was taking baby steps. Taking a small step into a huge faith. It starts small… I felt God talking to me the entire time. It’s crazy how this was what I needed to hear tonight. He’s pretty awesome like that.
There’s a lot that I want to do in my life. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. But when I thought about the things that I wanted to accomplish, I had no idea how I would even begin that work toward them. When the picture turns into this massive amount of possibilities I give up hope. I now know, “it starts small.” “Baby steps.” I am so excited to see what lies ahead this year. My God loves me. :]
Amazing day! Feeling God’s presence. I haven’t stopped smiling all week. It’s been one of the greatest weeks of my life. I have never been happier.
Thursday, I cooked dinner for Danielle, Hannah, Reggie, Ricky, Jack, and Jaycob. Ricky helped. It’s so nice to have people to talk to about cancer. That’s mostly what we talked about all night. It was great. I hope we can keep this going and maybe it will grow. (Baby steps). We took tons of pictures and dressed up in some funny things I got from Party City. I love these girls so much. The only way I can describe it is simply a gift from God. I have a trust in these girls that I have never allowed myself to have with other friends. While I was left alone to fight through cancer, I watched as people came by my side initially, left, and never returned. Putting trust in people after that, believing that they were always going to be there for me, was something I haven’t been able to do until now. These friends aren’t going anywhere. <3
Friday, I slept through my alarm due to the late night with the girls. Somehow I still made it to City of Hope in time for my post-op appointment. It was a little bit of a let down. The doctor kept saying to give it time. A month ago I think I would’ve walked out of there feeling completely depressed and lost. Not anymore. It sucks, yes, but I’m going to keep pushing forward till I finally find something to ease the pain. From there I had another appointment, so I drove over there. I was so exhausted; I could barely stay awake while driving. When I got home I passed out for a few hours till it was time to get ready for the Angels opening night with Danielle. Got to see her 2 days in a row. Woo! Haha. We had fun. It was chilly, but we survived. It was so beautiful over there. I prayed so hard the night before that it would be a great night with no rain, and boy were my prayers answered. There were clouds formed in a circle around the stadium. You look up and all you see is blue sky. It stayed like that the entire time until finally there weren’t clouds at all. Absolutely beautiful. I pretty much talked Danielle’s ear off the whole time. She gets really focused on the game. It’s kind of funny. She didn’t talk much, only before and after the game. Haha.. Silly girl. Going to go to Disneyland with her and Nick next week.
Saturday, I tried to sleep in a little bit, but that didn’t really happen. Had some drama go on with soccer stuff in the afternoon. I know I did nothing wrong, so I’m fine. Got ready, and then met Joy in Brea to go to the Angels game. Somewhere in the chaos of the afternoon I told her to meet at 3:30 when I really meant 4:30. So I get there and I really needed coffee, and wasn’t sure if we were going to have time to stop and get some. There was a Coffee Bean right there, so we went. Then, we get to the stadium and there are only two lanes open to pay for parking. I looked at the clock expecting it to be 5:00 or so, and it was 4:00. OMG. 2 hours early. I felt so dumb. We just laughed and Joy said she was going to say something, but never did because her sister, Angie, told her not to. Thanks Angie! Lol. Anyways, it was snow beanie giveaway night. I was happy. Really cute beanies. But the game went on forever! 14 innings. We were at the stadium for 7 hours!!! So cold!!! I felt like I couldn’t leave though. Thank God they won because we would’ve been super cranky if we stayed the whole time for nothing. :P Glad I got to take her. Luckily she is a Dodgers fan so I could take her beanie and give it to Danielle.
I ended up not going to bed till 5am! I was talking to Wes for a little bit ‘til he fell asleep on me! ;) Then turned on Harry Potter and ate cereal waiting for Tori to wake up and get ready for work on the east coast. For some reason she got up an hour earlier today and we were able to chat this morning! She said that God must have really wanted us to talk. Lol. I probably only got about 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I need to get those shades that block out all the light because as soon as the sun shines through my room it’s really hard to keep sleeping. Just something else to add to my list. Haha. I woke up and watched the Angels win, then got ready for church.
The worship tonight was a party! I was smiling and singing the whole time, getting teary-eyed every now and then at how amazing I am feeling this week. All a gift from God. When I think about the last time I was there… gosh, it’s probably been about 8 weeks, I was a mess. I didn’t talk to anyone. I sat down in the back crying the entire time. Look at me now! I feel great! The last two months have been a time of healing for me. God took a step back and let me work through this pain the way I needed to. The message Tom spoke on tonight was taking baby steps. Taking a small step into a huge faith. It starts small… I felt God talking to me the entire time. It’s crazy how this was what I needed to hear tonight. He’s pretty awesome like that.
There’s a lot that I want to do in my life. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. But when I thought about the things that I wanted to accomplish, I had no idea how I would even begin that work toward them. When the picture turns into this massive amount of possibilities I give up hope. I now know, “it starts small.” “Baby steps.” I am so excited to see what lies ahead this year. My God loves me. :]
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Just got this from Hannah.
See we're sisters. :P
1:39am
Whoa! same time as below! (that rhymed) haha
I have never felt as happy as I have this week. Ever. I love this. Where has this feeling been for 21 years? Especially the last 5 years... I feel great. Best week of my life. I find myself pulling out these special moments and just stopping....looking up at the sky/ceiling and crying with happiness. My God provides. (Smiling and crying again.. haha) I feel like I am finally enjoying my life and I see all the things I have to be thankful for. The negative energy is gone. The focus toward what I don't have is being taken over by what I do have. I can't wait to see what the rest of this year is going to look like.
Content.
I will write about my day later on after I get some sleep. I'm exhausted.
Talking to Hannah right now. We obviously have the same sleep schedule. Haha.. She only has 6 more weeks of chemo!!!!! 3 weeks in, 2 weeks out, then 3 weeks in and she is all done!! I love this girls so much. She's my cancer sister. What she feels, I feel. I am so incredibly thankful for her. I was telling Danielle today, "I think Hannah has been a bigger blessing in my life than I in hers." Since July this girl has changed my life. I wouldn't feel how I do right now if I never got to be there for her on this journey. So very thankful.
I still feel like something is missing, but despite that feeling, I am in awe of how my God has been providing to fill that hole. The people He has blessed me with right now are people I know I can depend on. I know they aren't going to run away. These girls are my support. The support I didn't get to have during my first 5 years of cancer, but that I will get to have for the rest of my life. Gah! I'm just so happy. I keep tearing up while writing this.
<3 <3
Whoa! same time as below! (that rhymed) haha
I have never felt as happy as I have this week. Ever. I love this. Where has this feeling been for 21 years? Especially the last 5 years... I feel great. Best week of my life. I find myself pulling out these special moments and just stopping....looking up at the sky/ceiling and crying with happiness. My God provides. (Smiling and crying again.. haha) I feel like I am finally enjoying my life and I see all the things I have to be thankful for. The negative energy is gone. The focus toward what I don't have is being taken over by what I do have. I can't wait to see what the rest of this year is going to look like.
Content.
I will write about my day later on after I get some sleep. I'm exhausted.
Talking to Hannah right now. We obviously have the same sleep schedule. Haha.. She only has 6 more weeks of chemo!!!!! 3 weeks in, 2 weeks out, then 3 weeks in and she is all done!! I love this girls so much. She's my cancer sister. What she feels, I feel. I am so incredibly thankful for her. I was telling Danielle today, "I think Hannah has been a bigger blessing in my life than I in hers." Since July this girl has changed my life. I wouldn't feel how I do right now if I never got to be there for her on this journey. So very thankful.
I still feel like something is missing, but despite that feeling, I am in awe of how my God has been providing to fill that hole. The people He has blessed me with right now are people I know I can depend on. I know they aren't going to run away. These girls are my support. The support I didn't get to have during my first 5 years of cancer, but that I will get to have for the rest of my life. Gah! I'm just so happy. I keep tearing up while writing this.
<3 <3
Friday, April 8, 2011
1:39am
An incredible night. I got to hang out and cook dinner for some amazing girls. Our little cancer society. I can’t stop smiling. God, what a great day You have given me. It’s so much more than just pain and loss. It’s making memories and gaining love.
Sharing cancer stories the whole night. I think I found a twin in Reggie. So happy to have met her through Hannah at City of Hope.
Ahh I love my life. <3 <3 <3
(pictures soon under "Photos" tab)
Prayer Request: I go in for my post-op appointment at 8:45am. Please pray for answers to this pain I have been in since the surgery.
An incredible night. I got to hang out and cook dinner for some amazing girls. Our little cancer society. I can’t stop smiling. God, what a great day You have given me. It’s so much more than just pain and loss. It’s making memories and gaining love.
Sharing cancer stories the whole night. I think I found a twin in Reggie. So happy to have met her through Hannah at City of Hope.
Ahh I love my life. <3 <3 <3
(pictures soon under "Photos" tab)
Prayer Request: I go in for my post-op appointment at 8:45am. Please pray for answers to this pain I have been in since the surgery.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
9:00pm
Oh my gosh, best day I've had in months! So happy today. I love it. I love my best friend Tori! Hilarious conversation tonight. Miss her like crazy! Our facebook chats change my life. haha.. AH! Great day! And tomorrow is going to be even better! I can't wait :]
Oh my gosh, best day I've had in months! So happy today. I love it. I love my best friend Tori! Hilarious conversation tonight. Miss her like crazy! Our facebook chats change my life. haha.. AH! Great day! And tomorrow is going to be even better! I can't wait :]
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
5:45pm
What a great day!!!! Nothing special even happened, I just feel great today! hahaha.. Energized and ready to get some stuff done. It always sucks showing up for class. But it actually was really fun today. We watched a few workbook clips, which Emily and I chatted through the whole time lol, and then played my favorite ASL game. Well, next to Scategories. That game is way better when you play in sign language. Anyways, I'm happy. :] Looking forward to the next few days for what we have planned. I'll post pictures soon. And then my big surprise is in a couple of weeks. So yay!
Thank You Lord for this beautiful day
What a great day!!!! Nothing special even happened, I just feel great today! hahaha.. Energized and ready to get some stuff done. It always sucks showing up for class. But it actually was really fun today. We watched a few workbook clips, which Emily and I chatted through the whole time lol, and then played my favorite ASL game. Well, next to Scategories. That game is way better when you play in sign language. Anyways, I'm happy. :] Looking forward to the next few days for what we have planned. I'll post pictures soon. And then my big surprise is in a couple of weeks. So yay!
Thank You Lord for this beautiful day
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I love these long chats I get to have with Tori. Helps me to sort everything out. But I miss her dearly.
It was a good day :]
Compared to yesterday that is. But hey, I'll take what I can get.
It was a good day :]
Compared to yesterday that is. But hey, I'll take what I can get.
Monday, April 4, 2011
9:46pm
It was a tough morning/afternoon. The surgery didn't work at all. In fact, I'm in more pain now than I was before the operation. And all that's left is an unsuccessful hospital bill and an unwanted scar with no story behind it.
Not only do I have the same terrible pain as before, now I have a new pain in my back and femur. I've had to use a cain and crutch over the last couple of days. It hurts to put weight on my left leg. I'm really nervous to hear what the doctors have to say. It could either be really bad or they are going to tell me, yet again, that everything looks fine. WELL I DON'T FEEL FINE!
All I have is prayer and hoping that I will find someone who knows how to take away this pain. I can't live my entire life this way.
It was a tough morning/afternoon. The surgery didn't work at all. In fact, I'm in more pain now than I was before the operation. And all that's left is an unsuccessful hospital bill and an unwanted scar with no story behind it.
Not only do I have the same terrible pain as before, now I have a new pain in my back and femur. I've had to use a cain and crutch over the last couple of days. It hurts to put weight on my left leg. I'm really nervous to hear what the doctors have to say. It could either be really bad or they are going to tell me, yet again, that everything looks fine. WELL I DON'T FEEL FINE!
All I have is prayer and hoping that I will find someone who knows how to take away this pain. I can't live my entire life this way.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I've been talking to a few guys over the last couple of weeks. Nothing special. Just average. And older than me. Back to seeing if older guys will be more on the same level as I am.
We'll talk for a little while, asking and answering questions back and forth, but eventually there becomes less and less to talk about. The conversation just dies. How had I been able to have six to eight hour chats not so long ago... And the only reason they ended was because it was 3 or 4 in the morning. I could tell him anything. Things I can't bring myself to tell anyone else. I trusted him enough to let the guard down I always have up and offer over topics I usually keep private.
These guys are more interested in me than I am in them. The timing is just off, I suppose. Or maybe it's because I won't know that it's right until I have another endless conversation with a great guy...
"Never mind I'll find someone like you."
We'll talk for a little while, asking and answering questions back and forth, but eventually there becomes less and less to talk about. The conversation just dies. How had I been able to have six to eight hour chats not so long ago... And the only reason they ended was because it was 3 or 4 in the morning. I could tell him anything. Things I can't bring myself to tell anyone else. I trusted him enough to let the guard down I always have up and offer over topics I usually keep private.
These guys are more interested in me than I am in them. The timing is just off, I suppose. Or maybe it's because I won't know that it's right until I have another endless conversation with a great guy...
"Never mind I'll find someone like you."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
3:00pm
Along with the knee and hip pain that came back after the surgery to fix that, I now have a new pain where the artificial femur meets my real femur. And that pain shoots down to a new part of my knee. It's a familiar pain....and that is scary. Because it's the pain I felt after I got the rod in my femur....and we learned that was a broken bone pain.
If I have to have any more surgeries I'm gonna need another fundraiser to pay for them. ughh...
Along with the knee and hip pain that came back after the surgery to fix that, I now have a new pain where the artificial femur meets my real femur. And that pain shoots down to a new part of my knee. It's a familiar pain....and that is scary. Because it's the pain I felt after I got the rod in my femur....and we learned that was a broken bone pain.
If I have to have any more surgeries I'm gonna need another fundraiser to pay for them. ughh...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Sometimes when I cry.. I can't breathe. My heart starts pounding and I gasp for air.........................no one will ever see me like that.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
8:00pm
They're great. Both of them. Really. But they're not you.
They're great. Both of them. Really. But they're not you.
"Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. It's all a part of healing...” -Christina Applegate
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
10:30pm
Well, it's definitely been an eventful day. A lot happened. Didn't get much sleep last night. Had to get up early and do some things. Plus I still had to record my Sign 5 test that was due this afternoon. Got that done fast, showered, got ready, then headed off to school. In class I noticed that my incision was hurting more than usual. I looked at the back of my WHITE t-shirt and there were blood spots. The incision must keep splitting from me bending my back a lot. (What the doctor told me not to do). So at our break the teacher got me some bandaids, which looked like they were 15 years old. Haha.. I went to the bathroom to wipe off the blood and my friend put some bandaids over the incision. Then all of a sudden all the girls from class are in the bathroom while I have my shirt lifted up, and they all start "oo-ing" and "ah-ing" at the surgery and that it's crazy that I'm walking around and wearing heels when the operation was just a week ago. Ha.. but that's me. Felt like a little party in the girls bathroom. lol. I had to tuck in my shirt so it would hide most of the blood spots. OH, and I snort-laughed in class again. I did the worst one on Monday. It was so loud (and it's a sign language class, so no talking). Yeah, everyone looked at me and started laughing. My friend Emily and I signed something at the same time and the snort-laugh just came out. LOL.. Oh well, everyone got a kick out of it. Ha..
After class I had some errands to run and bills to pay, then headed to Temple City where I was "supposed to" meet up with 2 people. Neither one got back to me, so I hung out at my Mom's and then we went shoppin'! I've lost about 17 lbs, so I had to get some smaller clothes. Totally a great feeling. But from all the walking I did today and carrying heavy things, I am in so much pain right now. I really overdid it. Not only does my lower back hurt, my upper back hurts too, and I can feel the knots forming and tension.
Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I have errands to run in the morning, an appointment in the afternoon, then getting picked up by Angie to go to the Dodgers opener. It's gonna be a long day. And if I remember correctly, I really hope it doesn't drag into extra innings like last year. Otherwise, I might just have to take a nap in the stands. haha..
Ahh!! Lots of smiling today, even though I'm in pain. That's a great sign.
"Even on my weakest days....I get a little bit stronger."
Well, it's definitely been an eventful day. A lot happened. Didn't get much sleep last night. Had to get up early and do some things. Plus I still had to record my Sign 5 test that was due this afternoon. Got that done fast, showered, got ready, then headed off to school. In class I noticed that my incision was hurting more than usual. I looked at the back of my WHITE t-shirt and there were blood spots. The incision must keep splitting from me bending my back a lot. (What the doctor told me not to do). So at our break the teacher got me some bandaids, which looked like they were 15 years old. Haha.. I went to the bathroom to wipe off the blood and my friend put some bandaids over the incision. Then all of a sudden all the girls from class are in the bathroom while I have my shirt lifted up, and they all start "oo-ing" and "ah-ing" at the surgery and that it's crazy that I'm walking around and wearing heels when the operation was just a week ago. Ha.. but that's me. Felt like a little party in the girls bathroom. lol. I had to tuck in my shirt so it would hide most of the blood spots. OH, and I snort-laughed in class again. I did the worst one on Monday. It was so loud (and it's a sign language class, so no talking). Yeah, everyone looked at me and started laughing. My friend Emily and I signed something at the same time and the snort-laugh just came out. LOL.. Oh well, everyone got a kick out of it. Ha..
After class I had some errands to run and bills to pay, then headed to Temple City where I was "supposed to" meet up with 2 people. Neither one got back to me, so I hung out at my Mom's and then we went shoppin'! I've lost about 17 lbs, so I had to get some smaller clothes. Totally a great feeling. But from all the walking I did today and carrying heavy things, I am in so much pain right now. I really overdid it. Not only does my lower back hurt, my upper back hurts too, and I can feel the knots forming and tension.
Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I have errands to run in the morning, an appointment in the afternoon, then getting picked up by Angie to go to the Dodgers opener. It's gonna be a long day. And if I remember correctly, I really hope it doesn't drag into extra innings like last year. Otherwise, I might just have to take a nap in the stands. haha..
Ahh!! Lots of smiling today, even though I'm in pain. That's a great sign.
"Even on my weakest days....I get a little bit stronger."
One Day You Will
I honestly could care less what happens between us. Well,
actually, there is no us. And you will probably never read this; in fact, this
isn’t for you to read at all. But I have to put my foot down. I’m not a bad
person, even though you are making me think that I am. I have people that love
me and would do anything to back me up. I’m doing things to help other people.
I do it graciously. I don’t have a big head, because most of the time I don’t
think I’m doing good at all. So please stop treating me like I am a horrible
person.
I left you alone. I haven’t talked to you. I am giving you your space. The hatred you are projecting toward me is unnecessary. It wouldn’t kill you to say hello. You loved me at one point. Don’t say you didn’t, you know you did. And before that you were my friend. My friend. So whatever you have to do to get back into that mindset for the rest of the semester, just do it. It doesn’t have to be this awkward. You’re doing things on purpose to hurt me. You said this wasn’t going to be weird. You said this wasn’t going to get nasty. You said you would still be here for me. You said you would still be my friend. You said you would still love me as a friend. But I just had surgery, and where were you? You’ve gone back on your word--so either you should not have said those things in the first place, or you should follow through. This guy that I see at school every week is not the guy I have known for two years now. You are not this guy. You have feelings. You care. For goodness sake, you cried at the thought of me cheating on you in a dream. So stop acting like you don’t care. However your friends and family are telling you to act around me is bogus. They don’t know the whole story. And if they think I’m some kind of psycho, then that’s bogus too. They saw me with you. They knew I loved you. I’m not crazy, so stop making me out to be.
I’m not going to sit here and lie, saying that I didn’t lose it many times. But there is a difference in recognizing that and wanting to change. You haven’t been around. You don’t know what has been going on with me since you left. You don’t even know what was going on the week we broke up. If you ever read my website, I didn’t even put it there. I have gone through a lot. You of all people should know that. You said that I could trust you and I believed you. I let you in to a part of my life that I don’t share with anybody. I don’t want you back, and yet I am still crying at the fact that my friend betrayed my trust. I know I have faults, we all do. I’ve been doing something about it. I want to change. I want to be a better person. I want to not get angry so easily. And you know the other thing I don’t want to do. This has nothing to do with you anymore. I’m not changing for you. I’m changing for me, and owning up to everything. I will say that I have not done any of those things since we broke up. I think fights that stir up with my mom have been the best practice for me. I try and stay calm. I want to talk things out. And although she thinks I am trying to act like I am better than she in those moments, all I am trying to do is bring her back down to my level, and to get her to stop overreacting. I’m doing this to feel better about every broken friendship and relationship I have had with anybody, and to prevent all the friendships and relationships from becoming broken in the future. I am trying to heal, but your actions toward me are keeping me from completely doing so.
Yes, we fought a lot, but not every fight was bad. And not every fight was my fault. Fighting meant that we actually gave a damn enough to fight for us. I am someone who cared about you very much. I would’ve been there for you for anything if you had asked. I accepted your faults and flaws. I believe I gave you the confidence I see in you now that you didn’t have a year ago. I loved you for you. And you’ll never find another love as true as mine.
We loved each other. We had good times. We tested each other. We changed each other. It wasn’t a waste of time. It wasn’t a mistake. We both have things to work on, not just me. You run away. You run away from your problems instead of facing them head on. When we had arguments in the beginning of our relationship you just said to drop it. That’s not how things get fixed. That’s no how you keep pushing forward. I will say that despite the loathing we feel toward each other now, in the end, you saved my life. Literally. Because if this didn’t happen, and I kept living the lifestyle that I was, eventually I probably would have taken my own life.
I’m not a horrible person. You used to know that. You used to be in awe just like everyone else. I am someone who was given a hard life and didn’t know how to cope with it. That’s something that has to be learned, and I am learning. I do good in this world. I have great people that love me. I am a good person. One day you will realize that again.
I left you alone. I haven’t talked to you. I am giving you your space. The hatred you are projecting toward me is unnecessary. It wouldn’t kill you to say hello. You loved me at one point. Don’t say you didn’t, you know you did. And before that you were my friend. My friend. So whatever you have to do to get back into that mindset for the rest of the semester, just do it. It doesn’t have to be this awkward. You’re doing things on purpose to hurt me. You said this wasn’t going to be weird. You said this wasn’t going to get nasty. You said you would still be here for me. You said you would still be my friend. You said you would still love me as a friend. But I just had surgery, and where were you? You’ve gone back on your word--so either you should not have said those things in the first place, or you should follow through. This guy that I see at school every week is not the guy I have known for two years now. You are not this guy. You have feelings. You care. For goodness sake, you cried at the thought of me cheating on you in a dream. So stop acting like you don’t care. However your friends and family are telling you to act around me is bogus. They don’t know the whole story. And if they think I’m some kind of psycho, then that’s bogus too. They saw me with you. They knew I loved you. I’m not crazy, so stop making me out to be.
I’m not going to sit here and lie, saying that I didn’t lose it many times. But there is a difference in recognizing that and wanting to change. You haven’t been around. You don’t know what has been going on with me since you left. You don’t even know what was going on the week we broke up. If you ever read my website, I didn’t even put it there. I have gone through a lot. You of all people should know that. You said that I could trust you and I believed you. I let you in to a part of my life that I don’t share with anybody. I don’t want you back, and yet I am still crying at the fact that my friend betrayed my trust. I know I have faults, we all do. I’ve been doing something about it. I want to change. I want to be a better person. I want to not get angry so easily. And you know the other thing I don’t want to do. This has nothing to do with you anymore. I’m not changing for you. I’m changing for me, and owning up to everything. I will say that I have not done any of those things since we broke up. I think fights that stir up with my mom have been the best practice for me. I try and stay calm. I want to talk things out. And although she thinks I am trying to act like I am better than she in those moments, all I am trying to do is bring her back down to my level, and to get her to stop overreacting. I’m doing this to feel better about every broken friendship and relationship I have had with anybody, and to prevent all the friendships and relationships from becoming broken in the future. I am trying to heal, but your actions toward me are keeping me from completely doing so.
Yes, we fought a lot, but not every fight was bad. And not every fight was my fault. Fighting meant that we actually gave a damn enough to fight for us. I am someone who cared about you very much. I would’ve been there for you for anything if you had asked. I accepted your faults and flaws. I believe I gave you the confidence I see in you now that you didn’t have a year ago. I loved you for you. And you’ll never find another love as true as mine.
We loved each other. We had good times. We tested each other. We changed each other. It wasn’t a waste of time. It wasn’t a mistake. We both have things to work on, not just me. You run away. You run away from your problems instead of facing them head on. When we had arguments in the beginning of our relationship you just said to drop it. That’s not how things get fixed. That’s no how you keep pushing forward. I will say that despite the loathing we feel toward each other now, in the end, you saved my life. Literally. Because if this didn’t happen, and I kept living the lifestyle that I was, eventually I probably would have taken my own life.
I’m not a horrible person. You used to know that. You used to be in awe just like everyone else. I am someone who was given a hard life and didn’t know how to cope with it. That’s something that has to be learned, and I am learning. I do good in this world. I have great people that love me. I am a good person. One day you will realize that again.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
3:03am
Just had a nice chat with Hannah. She told me she's finally decided to go into nursing. She's bonded with so many of the nurses at COH and wants to make that same impact on other children. I started crying. She thinks she has no strength. She feels bad for not being there for me. But she is so much more than she thinks. We're completely the same person. Both not willing to accept the compliments people pay us. At the end of our conversation she started crying. Gosh, we're so sappy. Lol.
Well, no school tomorrow. Haven't been able to sleep through the night since coming home from the hospital. Praying that I can tonight.
Love you Lord.
Just had a nice chat with Hannah. She told me she's finally decided to go into nursing. She's bonded with so many of the nurses at COH and wants to make that same impact on other children. I started crying. She thinks she has no strength. She feels bad for not being there for me. But she is so much more than she thinks. We're completely the same person. Both not willing to accept the compliments people pay us. At the end of our conversation she started crying. Gosh, we're so sappy. Lol.
Well, no school tomorrow. Haven't been able to sleep through the night since coming home from the hospital. Praying that I can tonight.
Love you Lord.
Monday, March 28, 2011
8:50am
I have the worlds most comfortable bed and yet I haven't been able to sleep since getting home from the hospital. :( I'm so tired.
I have the worlds most comfortable bed and yet I haven't been able to sleep since getting home from the hospital. :( I'm so tired.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
7:20pm
Having surgery just 4 days ago to cure my back, hip, and knee pain, and feeling the oh-so-familiar pain in my hip and knee today I just want to break down and cry.
Having surgery just 4 days ago to cure my back, hip, and knee pain, and feeling the oh-so-familiar pain in my hip and knee today I just want to break down and cry.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
3:00pm
Sometimes it just feels weird... getting older. Dealing with things I thought would be farther in the future. Looking around at my friends feeling flabbergasted. When did we become so grown up?
Sometimes it just feels weird... getting older. Dealing with things I thought would be farther in the future. Looking around at my friends feeling flabbergasted. When did we become so grown up?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
11:20pm
Since posting my website I have been getting crazy amounts of feedback. Gosh, I feel so loved. Things are starting to pick up again. I see some amazing things happening this year. My story is getting out there: newspapers, internet, letters, phone calls, texting, speeches, etc. I can't believe it.
When I leave my house I feel an incredible amount of happiness that has been missing for a long time. Do I have the new medication to thank for that? I'm not sure. But when I stay home, stuck in a pool of bad memories, I get sad again. I'm very impressed with how I've been handling certain situations lately. It's a change for the better. Talks with my parents and adults that I look up to have become a testing ground for this new life that I'm trying to live. I'd like to think I'm going in the right direction.
Being talked down upon by people who have issues of their own has been good practice for me to take their comments and channel them into something good and useful. I'm not the only person in the world with problems. We all have things we could work on. Admitting them to yourself and actually doing something about it will keep you pushing forward. And that's what I'm doing.
God has surrounded me with some amazing people lately. I feel so loved. The emails I have been getting about my website and my surgery have been so uplifting. But when I didn't get any visitors in the hospital other than 3 of my parent's friends, I let myself think that no one cared enough to come see me. I know people care. I know they love me. But most take the easy way out. The ones who go the extra mile for you will be the ones you can count on in the long run.
I'm still in a lot of pain. I made a personal decision not to be on any pain meds for this surgery so it's really been a rough few days. But this tiny surgery doesn't even come close to the pain I have felt after major operations in the past. I can't believe I'll be back at school on Monday. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. Haha..
Email to my oncologist...(so I don't have to type it all out again):Hi. My surgery was on Wednesday. Doctor said it went well, but we won't know if it truly worked for another few weeks. As of now the pain in my knee and hip are gone. He said it's not a guarantee that it will stay that way. They were surprised at how fast I'm bouncing back after just having the surgery a few days ago. When I was brought into my room I was already up and sitting in a chair within the first hour. Every time the nurse came in and saw me sitting in the chair or walking around she was very confused. Haha. There definitely is pain. After the surgery they had me on a PCA continuous drip of dilaudid, but I only pushed the button once. The next afternoon I had them take the IV out. The pain got worse after that since I didn't have the drip, but I didn't want to take any pain medication, so I've been pushing through it. I got home yesterday evening and have been resting in bed since then. I'm still pretty swollen. My feet and ankles were extremely swollen the last few days, but it's all gone now. There was a concern about how fast my heartbeat was and that my thyroid level was high and the amount of synthroid I am taking it too much. I wanted to run that by you to see what you had to say about that. Right now I'm on 2 tablets and have been for a while. Not sure if you wanted to reduce it back down to 1. Going to rest this weekend, then I'm back at school on Monday. Luckily my teacher is very understanding about all this cancer stuff. I'm supposed to take it easy for the next couple of weeks, then I will see the doctor again. I don't have any restrictions, he just doesn't want me to go too crazy right away.Wanted to keep you updated. Michelle
My dad came over tonight with dinner he just made and get-well flowers. Gosh, I love him! When I opened the door and saw him holding them I said teasing, "Awww...." He just started laughing. Lol. I'm sure Monica was partly behind it. :)
Since posting my website I have been getting crazy amounts of feedback. Gosh, I feel so loved. Things are starting to pick up again. I see some amazing things happening this year. My story is getting out there: newspapers, internet, letters, phone calls, texting, speeches, etc. I can't believe it.
When I leave my house I feel an incredible amount of happiness that has been missing for a long time. Do I have the new medication to thank for that? I'm not sure. But when I stay home, stuck in a pool of bad memories, I get sad again. I'm very impressed with how I've been handling certain situations lately. It's a change for the better. Talks with my parents and adults that I look up to have become a testing ground for this new life that I'm trying to live. I'd like to think I'm going in the right direction.
Being talked down upon by people who have issues of their own has been good practice for me to take their comments and channel them into something good and useful. I'm not the only person in the world with problems. We all have things we could work on. Admitting them to yourself and actually doing something about it will keep you pushing forward. And that's what I'm doing.
God has surrounded me with some amazing people lately. I feel so loved. The emails I have been getting about my website and my surgery have been so uplifting. But when I didn't get any visitors in the hospital other than 3 of my parent's friends, I let myself think that no one cared enough to come see me. I know people care. I know they love me. But most take the easy way out. The ones who go the extra mile for you will be the ones you can count on in the long run.
I'm still in a lot of pain. I made a personal decision not to be on any pain meds for this surgery so it's really been a rough few days. But this tiny surgery doesn't even come close to the pain I have felt after major operations in the past. I can't believe I'll be back at school on Monday. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. Haha..
Email to my oncologist...(so I don't have to type it all out again):Hi. My surgery was on Wednesday. Doctor said it went well, but we won't know if it truly worked for another few weeks. As of now the pain in my knee and hip are gone. He said it's not a guarantee that it will stay that way. They were surprised at how fast I'm bouncing back after just having the surgery a few days ago. When I was brought into my room I was already up and sitting in a chair within the first hour. Every time the nurse came in and saw me sitting in the chair or walking around she was very confused. Haha. There definitely is pain. After the surgery they had me on a PCA continuous drip of dilaudid, but I only pushed the button once. The next afternoon I had them take the IV out. The pain got worse after that since I didn't have the drip, but I didn't want to take any pain medication, so I've been pushing through it. I got home yesterday evening and have been resting in bed since then. I'm still pretty swollen. My feet and ankles were extremely swollen the last few days, but it's all gone now. There was a concern about how fast my heartbeat was and that my thyroid level was high and the amount of synthroid I am taking it too much. I wanted to run that by you to see what you had to say about that. Right now I'm on 2 tablets and have been for a while. Not sure if you wanted to reduce it back down to 1. Going to rest this weekend, then I'm back at school on Monday. Luckily my teacher is very understanding about all this cancer stuff. I'm supposed to take it easy for the next couple of weeks, then I will see the doctor again. I don't have any restrictions, he just doesn't want me to go too crazy right away.Wanted to keep you updated. Michelle
My dad came over tonight with dinner he just made and get-well flowers. Gosh, I love him! When I opened the door and saw him holding them I said teasing, "Awww...." He just started laughing. Lol. I'm sure Monica was partly behind it. :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
6:05pm
So despite being extremely perky and cheerful after my surgery, I'm now kind of sad. 3 people came to visit me: Nancy, Gigi, and Gail. That's it. None of my friends. No other family besides my mom and dad. That's it. It's not like I wanted to be paraded by tons of people, but I thought at least a few of my friends would come and visit me.
When I talk about no support... this is what I mean.
As harsh as that sounds..
So despite being extremely perky and cheerful after my surgery, I'm now kind of sad. 3 people came to visit me: Nancy, Gigi, and Gail. That's it. None of my friends. No other family besides my mom and dad. That's it. It's not like I wanted to be paraded by tons of people, but I thought at least a few of my friends would come and visit me.
When I talk about no support... this is what I mean.
As harsh as that sounds..
Thursday, March 24, 2011
4:00pm
I went down from the 4th floor to the 3rd floor to see Hannah just a little bit ago. She looks like she's having a rough week. I climbed into the hospital bed next to her through all the pain I am in. We chatted with one of the nurses about Brielle (She used to be a patient at COH with Hannah's oncologist). We hung out for a little talking and looking at baseball clothes online. Then when the rec therapist came over to ask if she was going today, she said yes. Somehow I got dragged into going with her, but I'm glad that I did. Walking into the room with about 5 chemo patients, I felt weird that I was the only one with hair. We played SkipBo while chatting about cancer and treatments because well, we all know what each other is going through.
One of the boys asked me what cancer I have, and when I went into it, everyone is always shocked that I'm the only person in the world who has it. This leads to other questions. I oddly didn't mind this time. I answered their questions, and chatted with Hannah's friend next to me. She's partially deaf in her left ear, the side I was sitting on, and I'm deaf in my right ear. So we kept saying, "huh?" Lol.
They looked at me and said how lucky I am. How am I so lucky? I haven't looked at it that way, but when sitting in a group of teens and adults going through chemo, I realized that I'm not one of them. I'm done with chemo, at least for now. My hair has grown back and it the longest I have ever had it. I really enjoyed being in there with them, and it made me see that I really do want to start up a group like this. We'll see...
I went down from the 4th floor to the 3rd floor to see Hannah just a little bit ago. She looks like she's having a rough week. I climbed into the hospital bed next to her through all the pain I am in. We chatted with one of the nurses about Brielle (She used to be a patient at COH with Hannah's oncologist). We hung out for a little talking and looking at baseball clothes online. Then when the rec therapist came over to ask if she was going today, she said yes. Somehow I got dragged into going with her, but I'm glad that I did. Walking into the room with about 5 chemo patients, I felt weird that I was the only one with hair. We played SkipBo while chatting about cancer and treatments because well, we all know what each other is going through.
One of the boys asked me what cancer I have, and when I went into it, everyone is always shocked that I'm the only person in the world who has it. This leads to other questions. I oddly didn't mind this time. I answered their questions, and chatted with Hannah's friend next to me. She's partially deaf in her left ear, the side I was sitting on, and I'm deaf in my right ear. So we kept saying, "huh?" Lol.
They looked at me and said how lucky I am. How am I so lucky? I haven't looked at it that way, but when sitting in a group of teens and adults going through chemo, I realized that I'm not one of them. I'm done with chemo, at least for now. My hair has grown back and it the longest I have ever had it. I really enjoyed being in there with them, and it made me see that I really do want to start up a group like this. We'll see...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
6:52pm
Feeling good today. Therapy is really helping. Today was dull, which I think is good because I didn't have anything to complain about.
Feeling good today. Therapy is really helping. Today was dull, which I think is good because I didn't have anything to complain about.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
5:20pm
Despite the grudge we now hold against each other, this saved my life. He saved my life.
Despite the grudge we now hold against each other, this saved my life. He saved my life.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I don’t know why, but I find myself very anxious and scared for the following two weeks. Monday through Friday I will be having scans and doctor appointments everyday. I fear what the scans will show. I fear what my doctor’s will say. I fear how I will be diagnosed. And I fear this small, but dangerous surgery on my spine. Suddenly I’m back to where I was four years ago, facing unknown outcomes concerning my health. And just like before, facing them alone. Although I thought I preferred going at this alone, for the first time I am longing for the ones that I love to be by my side during this stressful time.
I look at Brielle and friends of mine going through cancer, and they have so much support. People are fleeing to their sides to give them comfort and love. So often do I find myself sitting alone in a room wondering where my support went. Did they take a vacation? Because I know I haven’t. I am STILL going through these hard times and nobody really sees that. I am no longer on treatments, but I am still a cancer patient. I am still trying to survive, still trying to get my old life back. Do I need to tell you that I am not okay? Is that what it will take to convince the ones who are no longer here to come fleeing to my side? Then I’ll tell you… I am not okay. I am alone with a disease that is killing thousands of people every day. I am not okay.
But that is selfish. For there are people far worse off than I am.
I look at Brielle and friends of mine going through cancer, and they have so much support. People are fleeing to their sides to give them comfort and love. So often do I find myself sitting alone in a room wondering where my support went. Did they take a vacation? Because I know I haven’t. I am STILL going through these hard times and nobody really sees that. I am no longer on treatments, but I am still a cancer patient. I am still trying to survive, still trying to get my old life back. Do I need to tell you that I am not okay? Is that what it will take to convince the ones who are no longer here to come fleeing to my side? Then I’ll tell you… I am not okay. I am alone with a disease that is killing thousands of people every day. I am not okay.
But that is selfish. For there are people far worse off than I am.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
It feels so weird not having him in my life anymore. Not even able to talk to him.
Monday, February 14, 2011
9:28am
Last night, I was sitting on top of a hill of sand and patches of grass gazing over the ocean's infinite waters as the sun slowly set over the horizon. Every minute it seemed a giant whale would come soaring out of the water and splashing back down to the sea. Family and people I knew were walking and playing across the hill below while I watched from above a time-lapse of my loved ones coming and going. But still the sun remained set, holding it's beautiful orange, pink, and purple skies for what seemed to be hours. So peaceful and comforting. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Just me, taking in everything God has given me.
Last night, I was sitting on top of a hill of sand and patches of grass gazing over the ocean's infinite waters as the sun slowly set over the horizon. Every minute it seemed a giant whale would come soaring out of the water and splashing back down to the sea. Family and people I knew were walking and playing across the hill below while I watched from above a time-lapse of my loved ones coming and going. But still the sun remained set, holding it's beautiful orange, pink, and purple skies for what seemed to be hours. So peaceful and comforting. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Just me, taking in everything God has given me.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I went to CA tonight and cried the whole time. I sat there the whole time and didn't talk to anyone. The message was on Prayer... wouldn't that be the case. I couldn't really focus on what was being said. So much on my mind. I saw the words on the screen and heard people so joyfully praising around me and it made me sad that I am no longer in that place. It wasn't so long ago when I was standing up with everyone else praising God for the amazing things He was doing in my life. Also, there was an extremely pregnant woman next to me ready to pop. Her and her husband kept feeling her stomach. That hurt so much to see.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
11:45pm
As of today Anthony and I are done. I tried to get him to change his mind, but he didn't care this time. I knew that would happen. I messed up. But the way he did it was so heartless. He never looked at me like he did tonight, like he didn't even care how much I was hurting. He went on to tell me that he wasn't going anywhere because I'll see him at school, and he loves me like he would a friend. That hurt the most. That's not what he meant when he said he'd never leave and never stop loving me. He's calling it a "break", and that we need "time." But I know it's over for good. He hates me. He'll move on. He's not going to want to get back together with me after what I put him through..
I have a lot of things I need to fix about myself. I know his family thinks I'm crazy now.
Am I supposed to wait around or move on? I know his family and friends are telling him to stay away from me. I hope that eventually he will see that we did love each other at one point. I trusted him and shared things with him I never told anyone else. I feel so stupid.
It was just last weekend when I thought our relationship was at it's best. And Tuesday night he went with me to my girls soccer game. When we got back to my house and he looked at me like I was the only girl alive that could make him happy. Told me how beautiful my eyes were.
Can't believe this is happening. I'm exhausted. Need lots of sleep tonight.
As of today Anthony and I are done. I tried to get him to change his mind, but he didn't care this time. I knew that would happen. I messed up. But the way he did it was so heartless. He never looked at me like he did tonight, like he didn't even care how much I was hurting. He went on to tell me that he wasn't going anywhere because I'll see him at school, and he loves me like he would a friend. That hurt the most. That's not what he meant when he said he'd never leave and never stop loving me. He's calling it a "break", and that we need "time." But I know it's over for good. He hates me. He'll move on. He's not going to want to get back together with me after what I put him through..
I have a lot of things I need to fix about myself. I know his family thinks I'm crazy now.
Am I supposed to wait around or move on? I know his family and friends are telling him to stay away from me. I hope that eventually he will see that we did love each other at one point. I trusted him and shared things with him I never told anyone else. I feel so stupid.
It was just last weekend when I thought our relationship was at it's best. And Tuesday night he went with me to my girls soccer game. When we got back to my house and he looked at me like I was the only girl alive that could make him happy. Told me how beautiful my eyes were.
Can't believe this is happening. I'm exhausted. Need lots of sleep tonight.
Friday, February 11, 2011
8:15am
This time I screwed up the worst.
Wednesday I was having a really bad day. My dad called asking to borrow money. One of our girls got a concussion at practice. And in the evening I was talking to Tori about my infertility situation. I got really emotional, and I wanted to talk to my doctor about seeing how much time I have left. I haven't seen her since July. I posted stuff on facebook and emailed Anthony about the day and he didn't even do anything. Because he wasn't doing anything I got mad. Then this whole thing blew up over into Thursday too. I couldn't stop being mad. We had plans made for Friday and he went and made other plans. So we're fighting about that and he wouldn't talk to me. I didn't want to hang up the phone angry. I asked him to come over. He said no. I asked him to meet me somewhere. He said no. I said I would go to his house. He said no. But the last part freaked him out. He said if I went to his house, we were done. Truth be told, I was never going to go over there in the first place. I don't even remember where he lives.
We talked last night and he said he wants to take a break. I freaked him out by saying I would go to his house to talk.
There's nothing I can do. He made his decision. I can't take it back. And he won't accept a sorry.
3:48pm
I just talked to my doctor with really bad news... All I want to do is turn to Anthony, and I can't even do that.
This week exploded into something it shouldn't be. All of this is happening at once! He doesn't even know what is going on because I never told him. Even if he knew, that's no excuse to how I acted, and wouldn't change his mind. I take the blame.
This time I screwed up the worst.
Wednesday I was having a really bad day. My dad called asking to borrow money. One of our girls got a concussion at practice. And in the evening I was talking to Tori about my infertility situation. I got really emotional, and I wanted to talk to my doctor about seeing how much time I have left. I haven't seen her since July. I posted stuff on facebook and emailed Anthony about the day and he didn't even do anything. Because he wasn't doing anything I got mad. Then this whole thing blew up over into Thursday too. I couldn't stop being mad. We had plans made for Friday and he went and made other plans. So we're fighting about that and he wouldn't talk to me. I didn't want to hang up the phone angry. I asked him to come over. He said no. I asked him to meet me somewhere. He said no. I said I would go to his house. He said no. But the last part freaked him out. He said if I went to his house, we were done. Truth be told, I was never going to go over there in the first place. I don't even remember where he lives.
We talked last night and he said he wants to take a break. I freaked him out by saying I would go to his house to talk.
There's nothing I can do. He made his decision. I can't take it back. And he won't accept a sorry.
3:48pm
I just talked to my doctor with really bad news... All I want to do is turn to Anthony, and I can't even do that.
This week exploded into something it shouldn't be. All of this is happening at once! He doesn't even know what is going on because I never told him. Even if he knew, that's no excuse to how I acted, and wouldn't change his mind. I take the blame.
Monday, February 8, 2011
7:24pm
Yesterday was amazing. It was so fun doing all that for him. Something that he's never gotten to do. The look on his face when he tried on the clothes was great. And hilarious when he wore them wrong. At my house he laid everything out and asked me what he could wear with what. So cute. When I went in the other room and came back he was in the bathroom.
Me: "Umm.. what are you doing in there?"
A: "Nothing..."
Me: "Are you trying on your clothes again?"
A: "Maybe..."
Me: "Haha.. Why?"
A: "...Because I want to wear them home."
So cute! He looked really good in them. I had a lot of fun picking out clothes for him.
I had such a great weekend with him. I really like his family. I love when he comes over. I've been so happy today. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. Love him so much.
Yesterday was amazing. It was so fun doing all that for him. Something that he's never gotten to do. The look on his face when he tried on the clothes was great. And hilarious when he wore them wrong. At my house he laid everything out and asked me what he could wear with what. So cute. When I went in the other room and came back he was in the bathroom.
Me: "Umm.. what are you doing in there?"
A: "Nothing..."
Me: "Are you trying on your clothes again?"
A: "Maybe..."
Me: "Haha.. Why?"
A: "...Because I want to wear them home."
So cute! He looked really good in them. I had a lot of fun picking out clothes for him.
I had such a great weekend with him. I really like his family. I love when he comes over. I've been so happy today. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. Love him so much.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
10:01am
Yesterday I spent the day with Anthony's family. We got up early yesterday morning to go to Whittier for Anissa's softball fundraiser. Some of his family was on the team. I met a couple new ones. From there we drove to Walnut to go to Alyna and Austie's soccer game where I met more of his family. Finally got asked about by voice from his uncle. I knew it would happen eventually. After that he took me home for about an hour and a half while he went home to shower and get ready. At 3:30 he picked me up to go to the park with Anna, Robert, Uncle, Alyna, Marcos, Austie, Nico, Jaycob, and Sabrina. They had food. It was actually really good. I really had a good time with all of them despite my shyness. We went back to my house after till we left to go to Pasadena Starbucks. It was alright. I was tired, but glad I went. When we got back to my house he went and made himself food while I was upstairs talking to Ricky about his boys and shirt designs for the Walk...
We had a fight on Thursday where he just walked out and left. But despite our fighting, we love each other very much.
The way I saw him with his family yesterday changed everything. Made me love him even more. What their family has is what I've always wanted. My family isn't close like that. They like spending time together. They go do things together just because. He's so good with his little cousins.
I don't know what's going to happen between us. It's been really rocky lately. But yesterday was the best day I have ever had with him since we met.
Yesterday I spent the day with Anthony's family. We got up early yesterday morning to go to Whittier for Anissa's softball fundraiser. Some of his family was on the team. I met a couple new ones. From there we drove to Walnut to go to Alyna and Austie's soccer game where I met more of his family. Finally got asked about by voice from his uncle. I knew it would happen eventually. After that he took me home for about an hour and a half while he went home to shower and get ready. At 3:30 he picked me up to go to the park with Anna, Robert, Uncle, Alyna, Marcos, Austie, Nico, Jaycob, and Sabrina. They had food. It was actually really good. I really had a good time with all of them despite my shyness. We went back to my house after till we left to go to Pasadena Starbucks. It was alright. I was tired, but glad I went. When we got back to my house he went and made himself food while I was upstairs talking to Ricky about his boys and shirt designs for the Walk...
We had a fight on Thursday where he just walked out and left. But despite our fighting, we love each other very much.
The way I saw him with his family yesterday changed everything. Made me love him even more. What their family has is what I've always wanted. My family isn't close like that. They like spending time together. They go do things together just because. He's so good with his little cousins.
I don't know what's going to happen between us. It's been really rocky lately. But yesterday was the best day I have ever had with him since we met.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
7:45pm
On Thursday I had my epidural done again. It definitely hurt more the second time. My nerves were more sensitive. They had to do it twice because the first time they couldn't find the spot to put in the steroid. It wasn't clear enough. So they had to numb me up again and go in the next one up. I was a lot happier in recovery after this time. Not crying or depressed like the first one. Anthony took me again. He's so weird. haha.
On Thursday I had my epidural done again. It definitely hurt more the second time. My nerves were more sensitive. They had to do it twice because the first time they couldn't find the spot to put in the steroid. It wasn't clear enough. So they had to numb me up again and go in the next one up. I was a lot happier in recovery after this time. Not crying or depressed like the first one. Anthony took me again. He's so weird. haha.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
10:31pm
I really messed up this time. I always seem to screw everything up when I have good things going on in my life.
...I definitely took him for granted.
I really messed up this time. I always seem to screw everything up when I have good things going on in my life.
...I definitely took him for granted.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
11:18am
Brielle's tumors have grown and spread to her spine. She has weeks to live. I'm crying hysterically right now. I can't write just yet.
(see "Writings" tab)
Brielle's tumors have grown and spread to her spine. She has weeks to live. I'm crying hysterically right now. I can't write just yet.
(see "Writings" tab)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
8:49pm
[cutting a lot out]
Horseback riding was amazing. I couldn't stop smiling. The hardest part was getting on and off. Such an accomplishment to be able to do that. And when it galloped I felt like I was on top of the world. So cool. Best experience in a long time.
We had another game nite/pot luck for Tori last night. It was me, Tori, twins, Ricky, Anthony, Anissa, Rachel, and Chris. It was fun once we started playing the games.
[cutting a lot out]
Horseback riding was amazing. I couldn't stop smiling. The hardest part was getting on and off. Such an accomplishment to be able to do that. And when it galloped I felt like I was on top of the world. So cool. Best experience in a long time.
We had another game nite/pot luck for Tori last night. It was me, Tori, twins, Ricky, Anthony, Anissa, Rachel, and Chris. It was fun once we started playing the games.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
10:47am
So I'm getting the flu in hawaii of all places. I was throwing up all night.
Going to go horseback riding tomorrow, then Luau. Thursday helicopter. (Locker Cocker)
So I'm getting the flu in hawaii of all places. I was throwing up all night.
Going to go horseback riding tomorrow, then Luau. Thursday helicopter. (Locker Cocker)
Monday, January 3, 2011
Why does he own a Dodgers hat???
4:44pm
We're on the plane to Hawaii right now. Anthony got pretty nervous before we took off. Gonna play a game now.
What a crazy year this has been. So many changes, come for the good, and some that break my heart just thinking about. Moving out of my mom's house had to be one of the greatest and worst things I have ever done. I love being independent, but I'm losing money fast.
Tori and I became friends again, I think around April or May. It's had it's ups and downs, but I love her more than ever. She will be moving to North Carolina in about 2 weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. No one to go to Disneyland with :(
Had some rocky relationships with a few guys, one being somewhat of a stalker. A lot to learn from.
And all of that brought me to Anthony, the best thing to ever happen to me. I love him so much and he loves me right back.
He's sleeping right now on the plane. I look over every once in a while and know that I'm madly in love with him.
Getting sick though. And I pray that it goes away so we can have a great week here.
Thank You Lord for all you have given me!
We're on the plane to Hawaii right now. Anthony got pretty nervous before we took off. Gonna play a game now.
What a crazy year this has been. So many changes, come for the good, and some that break my heart just thinking about. Moving out of my mom's house had to be one of the greatest and worst things I have ever done. I love being independent, but I'm losing money fast.
Tori and I became friends again, I think around April or May. It's had it's ups and downs, but I love her more than ever. She will be moving to North Carolina in about 2 weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. No one to go to Disneyland with :(
Had some rocky relationships with a few guys, one being somewhat of a stalker. A lot to learn from.
And all of that brought me to Anthony, the best thing to ever happen to me. I love him so much and he loves me right back.
He's sleeping right now on the plane. I look over every once in a while and know that I'm madly in love with him.
Getting sick though. And I pray that it goes away so we can have a great week here.
Thank You Lord for all you have given me!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
4:57pm
So Anthony just text me a little bit ago saying "I Love You!!! I Love You!!! I Love You!!! So much much with all of my heart and I know this for sure!!" He said he was in deep sleep from his nap after the parade and had the worst dream he ever had and that he thought it was so real and woke up crying.
Here's what he text me: [SORRY people reading this, this one I'll keep to myself for his privacy, but you can see what I said back]
"...I knew for a very long time you liked me. I actually knew it was more than just a crush. When I invited you to my birthday and my friends wanted to know who was coming, I made a joke saying, 'Oh just this guy and girl that are both in love with me.'
In my journals after my birthday I told myself that I was out of your league. That I deserved someone great, someone that would stand beside me no matter what I had been through or what would happen in the future. Telling myself that it was fun flirting/messing with you, but nothing more could come of it. ANd by the end of the month when we had our 8-hour conversation, I asked myself what was going on. I couldn't be having these feelings for you. And then as much as we fought and flirted, I told myself how dysfunctional this all was. But when you told me you were crazy about me, I knew I was falling in love with you (even before we were really together/beginning of October). And back in August when I had that conversation with Hannah (the one you read about :P), I had a meltdown about so many things going on in my life. But mostly just loneliness, hoping for someone that would come along and accept everything that has happened to me. Someone that would want to know how I'm really feeling and really mean it. Someone that would love me and care about me in a way that I never had felt before.
And then when you looked at me and told me that you wanted to know how I was doing, and really know, that was it. I've never fallen in love with someone as fast as I did with you. And despite all the things I told myself not to do, it happened anyways. I've seen the way you look at me and I just know. And when we were sitting there under the sleeping bag last night and you asked me how I was feeling, I started to cry. Because I know you mean it. So forget about your insecurities about yourself and me, because I'm crazy about you too. And I love you very much."
Had a great time at the parade spending the day with his family and Tori. Loved his family. Great night. Happy New Year.
I never thought this would happen.
So Anthony just text me a little bit ago saying "I Love You!!! I Love You!!! I Love You!!! So much much with all of my heart and I know this for sure!!" He said he was in deep sleep from his nap after the parade and had the worst dream he ever had and that he thought it was so real and woke up crying.
Here's what he text me: [SORRY people reading this, this one I'll keep to myself for his privacy, but you can see what I said back]
"...I knew for a very long time you liked me. I actually knew it was more than just a crush. When I invited you to my birthday and my friends wanted to know who was coming, I made a joke saying, 'Oh just this guy and girl that are both in love with me.'
In my journals after my birthday I told myself that I was out of your league. That I deserved someone great, someone that would stand beside me no matter what I had been through or what would happen in the future. Telling myself that it was fun flirting/messing with you, but nothing more could come of it. ANd by the end of the month when we had our 8-hour conversation, I asked myself what was going on. I couldn't be having these feelings for you. And then as much as we fought and flirted, I told myself how dysfunctional this all was. But when you told me you were crazy about me, I knew I was falling in love with you (even before we were really together/beginning of October). And back in August when I had that conversation with Hannah (the one you read about :P), I had a meltdown about so many things going on in my life. But mostly just loneliness, hoping for someone that would come along and accept everything that has happened to me. Someone that would want to know how I'm really feeling and really mean it. Someone that would love me and care about me in a way that I never had felt before.
And then when you looked at me and told me that you wanted to know how I was doing, and really know, that was it. I've never fallen in love with someone as fast as I did with you. And despite all the things I told myself not to do, it happened anyways. I've seen the way you look at me and I just know. And when we were sitting there under the sleeping bag last night and you asked me how I was feeling, I started to cry. Because I know you mean it. So forget about your insecurities about yourself and me, because I'm crazy about you too. And I love you very much."
Had a great time at the parade spending the day with his family and Tori. Loved his family. Great night. Happy New Year.
I never thought this would happen.