Thursday, December 31, 2009
Well, it's the last day of 2009. Who knows where this year went. This was a really hard year for me. I would say the toughest year I've ever had. From the crap with Tori, crap with my mom, forced out of my dad's house, fertility news, 2nd crap with Tori, moving..... and here we are. Oh and how could I forget all the crap that happened over the summer.
Well this year can only get better. So here's to a great 2010.
Well this year can only get better. So here's to a great 2010.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I just watched an episode of One Tree Hill and Brooke's character just found out that she can't have children. I haven't been thinking about any of that since the procedure was done. And all I want to do is break down right now.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Midnight
So yesterday morning I decided to start the day off my falling down the stairs. Yep.
My body hurts! Got a bad bruise on my arm.
So yesterday morning I decided to start the day off my falling down the stairs. Yep.
My body hurts! Got a bad bruise on my arm.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Dear Fertility Lifelines,
Three years ago I went in to have a benign brain tumor removed, or so I thought, but when surgery was over I was put through a body scan that found over 30 other tumors down my spine and femurs. What I thought was just one surgery, has now turned into eleven. Before any radiation and chemotherapy treatments were started, my parents asked my oncologist about egg freezing, but my doctor said that the kind of chemotherapy I would be having would not affect my ovaries. It turns out that was not the case.
The bone cancer that I have is so rare that I am the only person in the world who has it. All of my treatments became experimental with hardly any kind of research on this cancer; only eleven other people have ever had it. There was no way of knowing how I was going to be affected fertility-wise. Last year I went through pre-menopause out of the blue, and was devastated at the thought of not being able to have children. Every child I saw made my heart hurt. But after taking a small dose of estrogen for four months, my cycles were back on track and I had hope again.
Sadly, this is not the case anymore. After going to USC Fertility in Los Angeles, California, a few weeks ago to have blood work and ultrasounds done, I received the sad news that my time for having a baby is running out. Tests show that I have the ovaries of somebody in their 40's and will probably go through menopause within five years. Since I am only twenty years old and not anywhere near ready to have a child yet, egg freezing is my only option for having a baby with my genetics. But as you know, medications for this procedure are very expensive, and on top of my other medical payments and school fees, I could use all the help I can get.
Having cancer is not the end of the world to me, but not being able to have my own baby is. I hope that your program will be able to help me and give me the little hope I have left for a happier future. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michelle L. Ford
(This was the letter I wrote to the fertility program last month.)
Three years ago I went in to have a benign brain tumor removed, or so I thought, but when surgery was over I was put through a body scan that found over 30 other tumors down my spine and femurs. What I thought was just one surgery, has now turned into eleven. Before any radiation and chemotherapy treatments were started, my parents asked my oncologist about egg freezing, but my doctor said that the kind of chemotherapy I would be having would not affect my ovaries. It turns out that was not the case.
The bone cancer that I have is so rare that I am the only person in the world who has it. All of my treatments became experimental with hardly any kind of research on this cancer; only eleven other people have ever had it. There was no way of knowing how I was going to be affected fertility-wise. Last year I went through pre-menopause out of the blue, and was devastated at the thought of not being able to have children. Every child I saw made my heart hurt. But after taking a small dose of estrogen for four months, my cycles were back on track and I had hope again.
Sadly, this is not the case anymore. After going to USC Fertility in Los Angeles, California, a few weeks ago to have blood work and ultrasounds done, I received the sad news that my time for having a baby is running out. Tests show that I have the ovaries of somebody in their 40's and will probably go through menopause within five years. Since I am only twenty years old and not anywhere near ready to have a child yet, egg freezing is my only option for having a baby with my genetics. But as you know, medications for this procedure are very expensive, and on top of my other medical payments and school fees, I could use all the help I can get.
Having cancer is not the end of the world to me, but not being able to have my own baby is. I hope that your program will be able to help me and give me the little hope I have left for a happier future. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michelle L. Ford
(This was the letter I wrote to the fertility program last month.)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
11:40pm
So tonight was my dad and monica's reception. Angels lost gm 2 of the ALCS vs Yankees after 13 innings. Very disappointing.
I'm really glad my brother showed up at the thing tonight.
So yesterday I had to do my first deaf-for-a-day [of the semester]. And it was pretty awful. The best part of the day, though, was at dinner with my dad. He wrote on a piece of paper saying that he thought my tattoo was a lot smaller and lower on my back. I just rolled my eyes. Of course he chooses the day I can't talk to bring it up. Then he wrote on another sheet of paper, "I just got some nipple rings put in."
Oh I love my dad. Too funny.
So tonight was my dad and monica's reception. Angels lost gm 2 of the ALCS vs Yankees after 13 innings. Very disappointing.
I'm really glad my brother showed up at the thing tonight.
So yesterday I had to do my first deaf-for-a-day [of the semester]. And it was pretty awful. The best part of the day, though, was at dinner with my dad. He wrote on a piece of paper saying that he thought my tattoo was a lot smaller and lower on my back. I just rolled my eyes. Of course he chooses the day I can't talk to bring it up. Then he wrote on another sheet of paper, "I just got some nipple rings put in."
Oh I love my dad. Too funny.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
At Road Trip tonight the lesson was on "greed." The things that I was thinking about the whole time were not even what hit me at the end. Aron started talking about how we get afraid and hold on to things because we're afraid they won't be here tomorrow or next week or next year, and that we just need to let go. And right there I was about to burst out crying. Somehow I held that in and just let a couple of tears fall. But I've been so worried about this whole fertility thing and that I'm running out of time and have put so much time and energy into this thing, worried that this will be the end of the world. But I'm too scared to just give it over to God.
Monday, October 12, 2009Me: I'm good thanks. how are you?
KG: pretty good my mom said that something happened but she didnt want to tell me unless you were okay with me knowing Me: haha I'm fine if she tells you. I'm not sure you want to know though. haha KG: haha i do Me: ok, then she can tell you lol prepare yourself and let me just say that i warned you haha KG: i like to know things ._. im not weirded out by these things Me: ha k KG: she told me Me: lol k KG: can i be your babies mommy? /daddy |
Me: hahahaha
KG: well Me: you can be the mommy KG: YES!! thanks michelle but youd be the mom i would like to be the.. Me: hahaha KG: protector of the fetus Me: HAHAHA!!!!!! KG: can that be my job title? Me: omg i'm laughing sooo hard KG: sorry Me: that is totally your job title of course KG: im going to put it on my status Me: i think you should (this happened last night. oh i love this boy. LOL. made my night) |
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
So much of my life is not what I had planned. But then I guess that is God showing me His plans.
But they scare me. So much is being taken away from me. Things I thought I would accomplish, the life I thought I would be living... I don't see any of that even happening anymore.
Time will tell...
But they scare me. So much is being taken away from me. Things I thought I would accomplish, the life I thought I would be living... I don't see any of that even happening anymore.
Time will tell...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My biggest problem is that I don't know how to control my anger. Tori will talk to my friends, but not to me. I don't like this worked-up feeling.
My mom and I have been fighting like crazy again. Just pissing me off. And after my dad talked with me about [moving] I'm really starting to consider it.
I just wish life were easy. It's never ending with me. So much stress and bad stuff [going on].
It's strange how a person's words can just haunt you. Her emails just keep running through my head. That all I care about is myself. I feel so messed up.
I'm exhausted and drained and don't have anyone to talk to about this.
My mom and I have been fighting like crazy again. Just pissing me off. And after my dad talked with me about [moving] I'm really starting to consider it.
I just wish life were easy. It's never ending with me. So much stress and bad stuff [going on].
It's strange how a person's words can just haunt you. Her emails just keep running through my head. That all I care about is myself. I feel so messed up.
I'm exhausted and drained and don't have anyone to talk to about this.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Well I turned 20 today. This has been the toughest year of my life. I have no idea how I got through it. There were so many times I thought I was way in over my head. But I survived. Things are still hard right now, but I just have to remember that I can get through it.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
In class this morning I just realized that something I really want to do is adopt a deaf child. We've been learning so much about parents that abandon their children once they find out they are deaf and I think it would be great to adopt.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
12:55am
I've been meaning to write, but I've been so angry. I've never felt like this before. When I was diagnosed, that first year was hard, and I was struggling and was mad, but I kept going. I just don't feel like going anymore. I feel like I am being tested over and over again to see if I'll crack, and though things have been hard before, I've never been this angry at God before. I went to church Sunday night and during the worship I couldn't bring myself to sing the words. I felt like I would've been lying.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Why me? Why was I given this life? I'm still waiting... I'm tired of waiting for the answer. What's the reason I'm going through all this? Please stop taking things away from me...
Thursday, August, 20 2009
Yesterday I went to dland with Tori, then Angie met us there for dinner and we met up with some people from her church. Tori ran me into everything when she tried getting me out of Pizza Port. It was hilarious. Then we went over to the Dance Club they have now in Tomorrow Land. Angie's jr highers went out on the dance floor and did the Jai Ho dance. When the Hoedown Throwdown came on I jumped out of my wheelchair and started dancing and scared the people we were with. HAHA.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Today I got a tattoo. Things have been going a lot worse than I thought they would. I really wasn't planning on getting my tattoo today, but when Sara's guy wasn't there to fix hers and the place was empty, I knew I would chicken out because of my mom if I didn't just do it then. I knew my mom was going to freak, but I was actually more afraid of my dad's reaction than my mom's. But it turns out my dad didn't really care, and was glad that I was honest about it. He's just disappointed.
My car battery died when we were leaving the mall. I knew right then that my mom was going to say that that was what I got, in your face, kind of thing. And well, I was right. But I did fine on my own, and knew exactly what to do in that situation. I just figured that it's a blessing in disguise because I knew it would be something that my mom and I would have to talk about and figure out what to do with the car.
I just can't stand how my mom treats me different than my brother. It's ridiculous. He does/has done so many bad things, but here I do ONE and the world is ending.
Well, I'm exhausted. Let's see how long it takes for this to blow over. I might have to move to my dad's AGAIN.
My car battery died when we were leaving the mall. I knew right then that my mom was going to say that that was what I got, in your face, kind of thing. And well, I was right. But I did fine on my own, and knew exactly what to do in that situation. I just figured that it's a blessing in disguise because I knew it would be something that my mom and I would have to talk about and figure out what to do with the car.
I just can't stand how my mom treats me different than my brother. It's ridiculous. He does/has done so many bad things, but here I do ONE and the world is ending.
Well, I'm exhausted. Let's see how long it takes for this to blow over. I might have to move to my dad's AGAIN.
June 29, 2009
I love my grandparents. I hope to have a love like theirs one day.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I'm afraid of the unknown.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I ran into Danika last night at BJ's. She works there now. It brings back too much hurt and stress when I see her.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
It was an interesting morning. Dr. Williams showed me my MRI. There are so many tumors down my spine. He was just very honest with me saying that I don't need to see my doctors unless I am feeling different or a change because it's stressful. And he was saying that the tumors are the same, but who knows how long that will last.
That's a question I'm always wondering about. How long will I live? With all of the things that I have gone through, will I be able to see the age of 60? How many other surgeries am I going to need to keep my hardware up to date? So many unknown questions.
I've been asked to speak at the Walk For Wishes. I'm really nervous.
That's a question I'm always wondering about. How long will I live? With all of the things that I have gone through, will I be able to see the age of 60? How many other surgeries am I going to need to keep my hardware up to date? So many unknown questions.
I've been asked to speak at the Walk For Wishes. I'm really nervous.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
8:40pm
I just had a very weird, but nice conversation with Jonathan on the phone. His real mother tried to get in touch with him 2 nights ago. He called me that night, but I was sleeping.....
When that part of the conversation was over and it was kind of silent, I told him that if he needed to go he could. When I was about to say good-bye he said, "Whoa whoa wait. How are you doing."
I think that was the first time that he asked me that question and actually meant it. Or well, sounded like he generally cared. Anyways, I kind of teared up. Nobody ever asks me that and means it. I gave him a tiny summary of how I'd been feeling over the past 8 months (wow, 8 months) going in and out of depression since then.
It was a very nice conversation. And weird as it may sound, I think I really needed that.
Lord, please let him be careful with this "mom" situation. I don't want him to get hurt by this woman twice. Amen.
When that part of the conversation was over and it was kind of silent, I told him that if he needed to go he could. When I was about to say good-bye he said, "Whoa whoa wait. How are you doing."
I think that was the first time that he asked me that question and actually meant it. Or well, sounded like he generally cared. Anyways, I kind of teared up. Nobody ever asks me that and means it. I gave him a tiny summary of how I'd been feeling over the past 8 months (wow, 8 months) going in and out of depression since then.
It was a very nice conversation. And weird as it may sound, I think I really needed that.
Lord, please let him be careful with this "mom" situation. I don't want him to get hurt by this woman twice. Amen.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wow. It's really been 3 years. I'm so tired.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
10:30pm
Three years ago, at this very moment, I was sitting at the Sciarrotta’s dining room table not having a clue as to what was ahead. Danika, Deanne, and I sat there talking about everything. I didn’t want that night to ever end. I remember glancing at the clock every few minutes and just wishing time would stop. And it did, at least for that part of my life. I would no longer be that girl for the rest of my life. I’m glad that was how I spent the last night of my innocence. I didn’t have a care in the world. Nothing else seemed to matter except that moment right there. I never took that night for granted. We took each other in like we never had before and I can see now that it was foreshadowing what was coming next. It was such a simple night, but it was the best night of my entire life. It will be in my memory forever.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I am really thankful for having Angie in my life.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Grey's Anatomy = my life.
"And each person we let ourselves care about... is just one more loss somewhere down the line."
"They're inpatient. It's been a long time. But they always come. They're my people. People keep you going. People are better than no people."
"Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home. It changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But, maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap...maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up...before we can step up."
"And each person we let ourselves care about... is just one more loss somewhere down the line."
"They're inpatient. It's been a long time. But they always come. They're my people. People keep you going. People are better than no people."
"Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home. It changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But, maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap...maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up...before we can step up."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
When I went in for brain surgery I thought that I was going to be in and out of there with 4 weeks to recover. I had no time to prepare for what happened to me. I wish I could go back in time. I would've done things differently. I wish I could be that person I was before all of this.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
So this happened last week, but I forgot to write about it...
I was on the freeway heading out to CA and this big truck was about to sideswipe we and all of a sudden my steering wheel jerked the other way all by itself, probably saving my life.
Thank You Lord.
I was on the freeway heading out to CA and this big truck was about to sideswipe we and all of a sudden my steering wheel jerked the other way all by itself, probably saving my life.
Thank You Lord.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Today was our last game. @ Monrovia.
1 concussion. 2 yellow cards (1 theirs). 1 red carded coach (theirs). 1 yellow carded assistant coach (theirs). And angry parents. A very memorable game.
1 concussion. 2 yellow cards (1 theirs). 1 red carded coach (theirs). 1 yellow carded assistant coach (theirs). And angry parents. A very memorable game.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Tori, Jan 9 @ 11:37pm:
"Can we be friends again? I really miss you. I always have. This has just been really weird for me.
I miss talking to you.
I'm sorry.
but if it's to late I'd understand..."
I'm pretty much speechless. I don't even know what to say back to her. I realize that this email had to be hard for her to write, but I'm still hurt.
Lord, what should I do? I'm so confused. What do I say back to her? Should I try and repair things or just move on?
I'm too much of a fixer and that always gets in the way of thins. I don't know if I really have the guts to just say No. I'm not that person. I don't shut people out. I give second chances.
We'll see what happens...
(later on...)
When is my brother going to stop giving me crap???!!! He's almost 24. I'm 19. Grow up already! EVERY TIME he is over at my mom's he has to say something mean to me. I can't live here and be put back into this...
"Can we be friends again? I really miss you. I always have. This has just been really weird for me.
I miss talking to you.
I'm sorry.
but if it's to late I'd understand..."
I'm pretty much speechless. I don't even know what to say back to her. I realize that this email had to be hard for her to write, but I'm still hurt.
Lord, what should I do? I'm so confused. What do I say back to her? Should I try and repair things or just move on?
I'm too much of a fixer and that always gets in the way of thins. I don't know if I really have the guts to just say No. I'm not that person. I don't shut people out. I give second chances.
We'll see what happens...
(later on...)
When is my brother going to stop giving me crap???!!! He's almost 24. I'm 19. Grow up already! EVERY TIME he is over at my mom's he has to say something mean to me. I can't live here and be put back into this...